Dinner for 1

If you are going to pity me after this post, I suggest you turn back and wait for my next post..I promise it will be less pity worthy...if you are going to empathise, "welcome home honey."

About a year ago, I had a string of strange, and with hindsight,funny encounters. I decided it was time to change my definition of what my life should be. So I took out a notebook and a pen, and started writing a list of things I expected from this year. Somewhere between my birthday and my list of inspiration, I made some realisations. This is the story of those realisations.

You see, I knew what I wanted from life. I knew what I expected from my career, from my body, from my family but when I started a list of what I wanted from my relationships, I drew a very disconcerting blank.The male species baffles me, awes me and continuously perturbs me. I had been in and out of relationships and yet for reasons, I could not explain to myself, I had no idea where any of them were going. I was beyond the age where I could say such things in public. It was shameful to admit such things when half your support system had families and in-laws always unceremoniously stepping in on your plans. What was I to do? I was going to sit up straight and pretend I had a good idea of what men wanted, needed or even slightly hoped for. I thought I had things under control. But as I looked at the blank paper in front of me, I decided that the best course of action was to write a list of what I expected out of myself and then maybe I'll know what I needed from other people.. So, off I went to self improve.

STEP no. 1: I needed to find myself. I noticed I had never done anything by myself. And I mean anything. I had never sat at the counter of a bar and had a drink by myself, I had never gone for a jog by myself, I had never even eaten a meal by myself willingly. I would sleep hungry and wait for people to come and eat with me. Who lives like that? I prided myself for being independent and yet I had never even sat down at my mother's kitchen table (the safest place in the world), and eaten by my own self. Ever. Maybe I was scared of my thoughts, did I think I was going to fidget my hands into stumps? I had to learn to be by myself for a while. I moved out of the apartment I shared with a friend and went in search of a place to live......by myself. My budget was restricted and my tastes even more so. I eventually ended up in a little flat a little out of town. The weather was great, the apartment fit my needs and I didn't have to rob a bank. I was happy. I was moving on up. I was going to eat my issues with a big spoon and enjoy it.

PROBLEM no. 1: No one ever comes. I used to live in a convenient place. Drop ins were common and welcome. Parking was available and sufficient. Now my new place was everything that my old place wasn't. It is far, in the cooler climates of our diverse country and it has an almost laughable parking. I don't live far enough to call it a road trip and I don't live near enough for a walk-in. I found myself alone a lot. I would wake up on a Saturday and stare at the wall for half a day, watch movies the other half then then sit depressed through the night feeling abandoned. I needed people who I could sit around and not talk to. So I invited people over. All the time. And the days there was no one, I would drive to someone else's house and surround them with my fantastic presence......and probably suck out their energy. Eventually, I found out that this habit was unsustainable. I had 2 options.....learn to be alone or move back into the city.

STEP no. 2: Learn to like things. This is what I knew about myself prior to this year. I liked to read, I liked to scowl at people annoyingly and I liked to be among people while doing absolutely nothing. I do not include those things in my CV but those were my top 3 hobbies. Life has diversified since. Hallelujah and Amen!! A look in the mirror made me realise that there was very little for a man to like in a girl who sulked annoyingly at her books in a corner. Here's what I know about myself now after months of hard work: I enjoy running and hiking (like really, really enjoy it), I enjoy experimenting with food (note: I did not say I like cooking but experimenting and I do it with enthusiasm), I enjoy street shopping (I have collected such joys from the street. Just got some lovely paintings from a start-out artist) AND, and this came as a shock even to me, I really enjoy eating by myself at restaurants. I get to observe people and make up stories of their families, I chat up waiters, I have met some interesting characters also eating by themselves and it has given me a chance to quietly read and plan and organise my thoughts.

Every month or so, I pick a place, usually when I am street shopping, and I buy myself a meal. Sometimes, someone will join me unexpectedly, sometimes I will make a new friend but most times I will just quietly sit somewhere and observe my world go by. Fascinatingly enough, tables for 1, have excellent locations in the room and the waiters have yet to forget me. I am now working up courage to travel to somewhere by myself. I feel like it could be the most interesting experience ever.

As I psyche myself up to make a potato frittata and tie my shoelaces to prepare for a jog, I cant help but pat myself on the back. Look how far I have come and I am not turning back.