Me and my vices

This is me. I'm sorry. It's a bit unfortunate, maybe even slightly sad but this is it. When I wake up in the morning, I can only wake up as myself. Not my mother, not Mother Teresa and definitely not you. Severely dented, overly distressed, disturbingly confused by life but there's only so much I can do to change myself.

Things that make me charming yet complex (charmingly complex):

1. I talk to myself: If you're not that interesting, I will retreat, my eyes will glaze over and I will begin my own monologue. I'll even help along the conversation by adding my own anecdotes of your life. So when I smile, it is probably because of what your alter ego said in my head. Deal with it. Talking to myself also helps me solve problems. I feel if I say it out loud, the solution becomes realer. And yes sometimes I will sing and gesticulate. I am not insane, I just find myself very interesting sometimes.


2. I cry sometimes: I'm a girl and I'm sorry, I will not apologise for my tears. It's what I do. If I'm stranded I'll cry pitifully, if I'm in pain I'll cry painfully, if you're a bastard, I will cry angrily and if I haven't cried in a couple of months, I will just cry over life and the war in Aii-raq. But I will cry. Standing there looking at me like I'm some species from another planet and telling me to stop crying will just make me cry more. So either be useful or go away.


3. I don't do crowds well: When I'm with you in a club and I walk out, I'm not pissed. I'm not PMS-ing. I'm just overwhelmed. Crowds tend to suck the air out of my lungs literally. I just need some air somewhere where the walls are not closing in on me. Where everyone is not bumping onto me with their sweaty bodies. I hate being bumped into. Constantly looking for a space to stand. That's why I unsuccessfully fight meeting anyone in town and worse still, in Westlands.


4. I am a girl of many fears: Yes, I am one of those people who fear everything. I am afraid of height, depths, widths. I am afraid of being alone, I'm afraid that someone will one day hit me from the back and since I'm hopelessly unable to defend myself, he will sue me for all I'm worth. I'm afraid of people leaving me and paranoid that new people I meet will hate me at first sight. I'm afraid no one reads my blog. Yes, I am afraid. I know I hide it well but when I complain bitterly about the sorry state of my world, I am just letting my fears out so let me be.


5. I hate acronyms: Don't TGIF, OMG, ROTFLMAO me or whatever other short-form you think is clever and cute. Life isn't like twitter.We dont only have 140 characters to describe our deepest thoughts. I am not a child so I do understand full words. and they charge texts per sms not per letter so use your bloody keypad. If I don't reply immediately, its because I'm banging my head on the wall so that I don't come over and punch yours in.


6. Rhetorical questions make me sarcastic....not rude. There's a difference:
Random Person 1: Where are you going?
Me: I'm heading to church/town/work/home
Random Person 1: Serious? You go to church/work/home/town?
Me: Noooo.I just go to use their clean toilets.
(My mind: ooooooh!that's a good one. maybe we should throw in one more)

There are just some conversations that don't need to be prolonged or had at all. Unfortunately the people who ask such random questions are not even worth lying to so why would I lie about my whereabouts. And then don't say after that " You're so cold!", I will slap you. You don't know me well enough to be summing up my personality in your own words.



7.I don't hug random people: If I have never hugged you, its because you're random. Nothing personal, I just don't go around hugging people I've just met (unless they were introduced to me by my mother and I absolutely have no choice). I am just not into obliviously touching people. I don't hold hands, don't wrap limbs, sit uncomfortably close to people ... Don't look at me strangely because I shook your hand and hugged the cross eyed chap next to you. He's/ she's my boy...you?not so much.


8. I do not repeat myself: If you weren't listening, I get peeved. I prefer not to hear my voice saying the same thing twice let alone 3 or 10 times. So no, don't say "what was that again!" and never ever say "Sorry, I must have drifted off!"...I will go all Siakago AP on your arse. If phone network is bad, I will repeat myself. If my voice got lost in the noises around us, I will repeat but if we were standing perfectly still in a perfectly still place, then that train has passed and I am not repeating my precious words of wisdom. And they are precious and very wise!!

9.I do not like unintelligent people: No one likes to admit it but we can only cope with dumb people for so long. I appreciate the variety of IQ's that the good Lord has blessed us with but there's a level I just won't stoop to. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but that does not mean I have to go looking for the dull and broken ones to associate with. I am not talking about the mentally handicapped. (Those ones can't help their situation), I am talking about the ones who refused to mature up after they hit puberty. Intelligence doesn't just elude the uneducated and unwashed masses mind you. It eludes some managers and CEO's too.



10. Last but in no way least, I cannot stand big egos: When you approach me, keep your 80k phone and your 15M car far away from me. That's not impressing me much. I realise people with big egos are defined by their things and their achievements more than their severely warped characters. I can only make so many jokes about your 24s and there can only be so many conversations about your watch. And frankly loving yourself that much only makes you sound a bit gay. Give someone else a chance to get in on the loving action. However after 4 or 5 meetings, you can introduce me to your car. I never pass up an opportunity to meet a new European.