So there I am today morning, standing in front of my underwear, comparing and discarding. I think my underwear is the one garment I choose carefully daily. I mean, it is only natural seeing as it is closer to me than a best friend.So, anyway, 6 minutes later, I got a brain wave......what if we chose our men the same way we chose our underwear for the day. Some criteria, same scrutiny, same sceptical eye. I think we would be a much better species.
1.The Comfortable, Never-say-die Grandma Panties:
I don't even think it's right to call this panties. No one enjoys being in them although they are all made of the most comfortable 100% cotton. They bunch up when you wear any clothes including your night shirt. They don't go with anything and come in atrocious colours. The grandma panties is that guy you don't quite like but you have known him for sooo long, you can't quite throw him out. He can't hang out with your friends and you can't hang out with his. But you keep him because he is made of comfortable cotton, you can junk around him because around him, image is as important as last week's salad, he knows all your dirty secrets (when you were thrown in the cell for making out in the parking....who did you call) He's Mr. reliable. He probably sits around hoping you'll see the rock in him for the diamond that he truly is. But we all know, you can't even comfortably admit that he is your friend.....in front of your friends.
2. The Sexy, Uncomfortable Thong:
This underwear only comes out because you are too much of a lady to go commando. Or just not brave enough. You wear it not because of panty lines but because some Cosmopolitan somewhere, and a pervy ex-boyfriend told you, "your a*se looks hot in a thong" and you believed them. And rightly so...if you're looking for the stripper look. It is underwear worn to be seen by others. Here's the problem though. It makes you feel sexy but eventually you know that string at the back will get into the crack and become...literally...a pain in the a*se. A thong man is that chap who makes you feel like a queen one moment and then gets into your cracks and you just want to call the Mafia on him. He is unreliable and just keeps pushing your uncomfortable buttons. But at the beginning, he's the most awesome piece of lace you've ever had. He's there to be shown off. He's eye candy and does things to you that no one will possibly ever do. He's also short term. He has a sell by date and you know it before you even pick him up from the store. If you've owned a thong for more than 6 months, I suggest you seek help.
3. The Great, Reliable Boy Shorts:
If you have ever worn the boy shorts, you know how amazing this particular type of underwear is. They have a certain feel like that is just wear they are supposed to be. They never go for lunch, they never come in uncomfortable colours and fabrics (unless you shop in some very suspect areas). They are flirtatious but you never wear them for a first date...or a second. You can hang out with nothing but them on the whole day at home, and you still feel dressed. They are that great friend that could have been but one thing led to another and eventually, you just became, "boys". You hang out together and share secrets. You give each other relationship advice and job hunt for each other. He's seen you cry and you've held him at his worst. Sometimes, you flirt, dangerously. But you have lines that you don't cross. Not that it has never crossed your mind. But you love the comfort and the friendship. And loosing that friendship would crush you.
4. The Supportive, Forever Panties:
They hold you just so. Like a great glove. They are the perfect underwear in my books. If you choose wisely, you don't worry about panty lines. If you choose the right fabric, you almost look like a Victoria Secrets model. They go with all your clothes. Move seamlessly from office to the club. And if you wear them right, your behind is in, hmmm....They are like the perfect man. He doesn't make you feel trashy but just the right amount of sexy. If chosen wisely, he's an excellent support system. He goes with everything....your friends, your family, your clothes. You bot know how well you compliment each other. You can hang out all day every day without a worry. And you know that when this particular pair gets torn, it takes a crane to pry them off your cold, unrelenting hands. Now, give me one of this any day of the week....... (let me not finish that)