It feels like its been days, weeks , months, just some unidentifiable amount of time since I last saw you. As I look back, time kind of lost meaning. Sometimes it feels like I was with you yesterday, sometimes it feels like you were never there. But everyday I feel it. Everyday I feel you. Everyday is different but somehow the same. Like you never left but also like you were never there. A conflict of emotions that cannot be explained. An insanity that cannot be defined.
I saw your photo the other day. It was almost like looking at a stranger. There was an unfamiliarity. A disconnect. We haven't spoken in months or is it years and yet it still feels like we should be friends. Like I should still tell you my secrets. Like I should still be able to pick up the phone and call you. Like I could still drop in and rummage through your fridge. But as I stared at your photo. Your smiling and happy face, I realized that you could have been next door or in the next room and I still wouldn't be able to call, or drop in. You could have passed me on the street and I might not even notice you. Like we were never even friends.
The most bitter part of the loss of our friendship is not the physical loss of you but the realisation that I could do with out you. That I could find someone else just as strong as you. That I could solve my problems without calling first for vindication. It was not a mean thought or even a vengeful thought. It was just a true thought. A matter of fact. That life did move on albeit not in the same zeal. You were my greatest enabler and I loved you for it. But I may also have lost you because of it. I might get another just like you but it won't be you. But as I sat there staring in a scary stalker passion, I knew it was not going to be you.
So I switched onto other things. I went back to work, I went to the market, I got stuck in traffic. I picked up my life from where I had left off before I saw you. But that day your image lingered, your laughter, you smile, your quirkiness. Everything that you were to me. Everything that we were to each other. I saw your footsteps in the carpet, I saw your sweater on your favourite seat, I smelled you in the corridor, I saw your favourite meal in the fridge. So, in tribute to you and our friendship, I made a meal you'd have liked, filled my glass with your bitter brew and put music on that you'd have sang loud to and for a few moments I allowed myself to think of you. To embrace your memory. To remember you.
It was scary, I had forgotten so much. I had forgotten you. And that was the saddest part. The most painful. That someone who was once so important to me, could suddenly become irrelevant and un-note worthy. I have no idea what you are doing now and you have no idea what I'm doing. But I do hope you are doing well. That all the things we spoke of are coming true for you. Those things that made you squeal with excitement, that kept you up plotting. Maybe that was what the smile was for. Maybe some day we'll meet and say awkward hellos on the street. Maybe even as I hopefully sit here, we might even become friends someday. But to the friend I lost along the way, I will admit I have not missed you in a long time. But I do miss you today. Terribly.
Your long lost friend.