5 degrees of separation

Like all other losses in life, when a relationship is over and done with, the "lefted" person goes through some form of withdrawal anxiety or stages of separation. The "leftee" however, walks away in pure ignorance. Well, not always.....actually they know exactly what they have done. So no excuses there. I experienced this, for what felt like the first time again, a few weeks ago with this chap who I seemed to have a secret relationship with. So secret infact was this relationship, that I didn't know of its existence, until, well, a few weeks ago. So, before I could say "Say what now.." to the said chap, he went into a rambling of sorts and I got to experience what it feels like to go through what I now call, the 5 stages of separation, in 10 minutes or less. It was a strange experience at best and a very, very uncomfortable, ridiculous experience that I would not want to go through again. However, I would like to assure the general public that it is apparently a normal reaction among the human race to go through these stages and also to run away when someone starts reacting this way.

1. Denial and Isolation: The first reaction on learning that a perceived love will not be returned is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions and it is unimaginable that the other half does not feel the same. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. Statements such as "I know we can work this out and you could love me if you give me a chance" can be heard from grown men who eat their opponents for lunch in board rooms. Other tell tale signs are "No one will ever love you like I do". "He'll roam everywhere but he will still come back to me." Stalker like tendencies may be spotted during this period. The person you once knew transforms into a sneaking, begging hobo. Usually the saddest stage.

2. Anger: As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear off, the reality and the pain re-emerge. The "lefted" is not ready. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family but in most cases, it is deflected to the "leftee". Rationally, the person knows it is not entirely the fault of the leftee. Maybe 98% but never 100%. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us even if it was a toxic relationship. The strangest thing about this stage is the guilt that keeps sneaking in at the most inopportune times. One minute, "How could you do this to me? Do you know how many women I had to fight off for you?" is quickly followed by "I'm sorry babe, I never meant to throw that plate at you. I will be a better person. You make me a better person" Showers shall not be taken, hair shall not be combed, foam shall froth from mouths and bucketloads of tears will be seen in the open streets. Beware of any person in the anger stage. This stage cannot be rushed. The "lefted" is grieving and it will take anything from a few seconds to decades.

3. Bargaining: This is the "if only" stage. Maybe she likes a guy with an earring, a girl who doesn't wear weaves, I should wear higher shoes, I should have been a robot and loved video games and football and porn, I should watch more Sandra Bullock. If only ... If only ... If only ... You will start noticing subtle changes. The earring, the punk haircut, the natural hair, excessive exercising,a longing stare at a game of "whatever rubbish people are playing now" . They are quietly hoping that when they meet up, the "leftee" will see what they have been missing all along. Oh, and they'll be alot of hanging out at the "leftee" joints. The clubs, near the office, at the friend's...... The stalker tendencies return with a vengeance. A strong vengeance!!! Be afraid, be very afraid.

4. Depression: Two types of depression are associated with dumping. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the actual loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. They worry about that they will never be loved again, that it may be too late to heal, and many other irrational thoughts like that. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is the quiet preparation to separate and say goodbye so they bury themselves in work, rebounds, hobbies, alcohol, anything to get away from the feeling of pain. Alot of wrong decisions will take place here. Unwanted diseases may be caught, rebounds will be picked up and dropped off, too much work will be done, if you're lucky though, you may get a much needed promotion at work.

5. Acceptance: Reaching this stage is a gift not afforded to everyone. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace BUT very few people reach the point of forgiveness and moving on. Better people are met in this stage, genuine smiles can be seen, the "lefted" no longer look so lefted anymore. They are willing to take the good and the bad and move on to better things.

Jar os Hearts - Christina Perri