This is 30!!!

Disclaimer: This is not a very well thought out post. That said, here goes:

Here are some things I thought I would have a achieved by 30: 1. a big salary that would buy me a large farmhouse in the suburbs and a large car to take me there. 2. a couple of big degrees that would make me relevant to everyone in the human race.....and I do mean everyone. Children, old people, watchman.... 3. a hot and handy husband and a bunch of well behaved children that adore every single breath I take.

Of course this was my dream when I was 10...and maybe 25 but very little has changed from the big dream and most of it still remains a dream. Most of it has however been readjusted to accommodate the stark reality that I have come to live with..... and with it the question "Is this what you wanted to be when you grow up?"

In a couple of days, I switch over to the big 3-0. I am officially all grown up. No excuses, no dilly dallying, no procrastinating. I am supposed to have caught up with alot of my dream by now. THIS IS 30. (include a spartan kick into a dark well of nothingness and forgotten dreams). I wanted to be brilliant at everything and just be straightening up some few rough edges and sought after by the world and sitting on Oprah's couch giving life inspiring advice to less than important natives. I'm sure there are some 30 year olds out there doing remarkable and amazing things but from where I stand, most people are like me....wondering through the 30 year old mark wondering if this is it. If this is what we went to school for and practiced for hours for and went through the heartbreaks for.

I am personally not a big fan of my birthday. Most years I prefer that it gets eaten up in a blur by other more important days. I don't have anything against the day of my birth other than a deep reminder that another year has passed and I'm barely making my way through the muddle that is my life. Years just seem to be sneaking past me while I'm still preparing to live. It freaks me out that another decade will come and go and I'll still be like "wha...whe....huh!" So in that same spirit, I drove myself into a panic attack yesterday that got me walking out of a conference and making it half way home before my legs gave in and I had to get into a jav. I was in distress, I was scared, I was panicking. I cursed for all of the one hour, 10min of that walk.My brain was screaming profanities at me. I thought quarter life crisis was a state of mind and not the disease like event that I was experiencing. This year brought with it a stronger distaste in my mouth than ever before. I am grown people, and it is not as exciting as I pictured it. I am not flying the skies nor has Oprah been to see me once this year. I still have hope though. I have some very important things to tell her.

But all panic notwithstanding, in retrospect, life has not been too mean to me. I cannot sit and say that I have achieved absolutely nothing...at all. I have friends and family that I love and who hopefully love me back. I have developed a grace for handling difficult situations (I call it diplomatic avoidance. It is much better than the running away I have been doing in the past). I have climbed Mt. Kenya and Kilimanjaro and other fun things like that, I have learnt a lot about handling relationships and even more about what I want from them and I realised that this little lesson was very very important. Maybe the most important of them all. I have started understanding what are the important things in life. I know this will sound super cliche, but God, family and friends in that order, make life worth living. More, in some days than others. Money took a distant 6th place.... (I ranked them)

There are blunders that I continue to make.....with surprising frequency if I do say so myself, but they do not compare to the joy I get from telling the story to people who will appreciate the humour of it all. And they do bring me down a necessary notch or 12. So anything new from me as I celebrate another decade? probably not. Life shall continue as is. This is the year of no resolutions. Live and let live. I do not intend to expect too much of myself this year. The pressure doesn't seem worth it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am not going to sit around and wait for the world to eat me alive, no! I will just not hold myself responsible when things don't work out like I want them to. I do not intend to apologise for things I cannot change. I want to take my ambitions down from their high unapproachable horse and just enjoy life for a year and see what happens. Test to see if the world will fall off its axis if I don't plan how every single moment will turn out. Let the chips fall where they may. I have been addicted to ambition and achievements so far but now I say:

Happy birthday self! This year will be the most epic yet! :D And another favourite this year: Daughtry - Waiting for Superman