Sometimes when you're seated silently with your thoughts,you remember things. Some things are profound and beautiful but some need to be shot in the knees and hang in the gallows. Some times you think of both and have mixed reactions about mixed feelings involving mixed things. So you walk off and go do things that take your mind off things and thoughts. Take your mind off your life. You realise, maybe it's not that great or maybe its greater than what you think it was. Maybe you shouldn't think too much.
That was my thought yesterday as I sat quietly hoping the day would end and then maybe time travel back 3 weeks. When I was slightly more oblivious about how life could lift you up and then suddenly drop you onto gravel and small pieces of glass. But as I slept another thought crossed my mind. "Sometimes you just need to stop thinking and pray." So I prayed.
Like any healthy yet dysfunctional relationship, me and God have had alot of fights. Fights about things He should have done but didn't, places He should have taken me but refused, promises that He made that I still waited for and never seemed to receive, moments that He should have been there but was apparently out doing grocery shopping or hanging out with His boys or whatever. As you can see, the trend here was me picking the fight and Him shaking His head sadly. I am a woman, nagging comes with the territory. He should know that. After all, He created me.
But as the relationship has matured, we have come to a few understandings, a few home truths. Rules of engagement if you will. Like I heard someone say over the weekend "Relationships are for mature people. Children cant handle the pressure." I have matured up in the last couple of years. Age wise and heart wise. Ready to take this relationship to a new level. So here are some few rules of engagement that I have picked up.
Firstly, He never gives you anything you can't handle. Most of us believe that means that you are already ready to handle everything thrown at you. Quite the contrary really. I've often screamt at him because I knew I was going to crush and burn. But miraculously, I survive and in the process I grow stronger. Sometimes just barely but sometimes in ways I never would have thought or even imagined. Yes, you can handle it now but could you have handled it yesterday? Have you learnt something new with every new situation or do you still think you had anything and everything to do with every victory? Think about it. Are you stronger today than you were yesterday? If your challenge is bigger today then yesterday then you should look back and smile, then look forward and hope God had enough strength in reserve for you.
Secondly, everything happens for a reason. Last week I went through a very confusing situation. It tested everything I believed and hoped for. I went from ecstasy to paralysing fear in a few short days. Then after all that, I still had to pretend it was just water off my back. But when it's time for *ish to hit the fan, it is time. Sometimes it doesn't feel like the right time for you but believe me, it is the right time. I am still quietly reeling from the shock and sometimes I wake up paralysed with fear that things won't ever work out. But it was a lesson in patience and life; and I am think maybe it was time for me to learn. Maybe I might come out on the other side smelling of roses, and maybe I will come out smelling like the fan, but point remains, I will come out of the other side having learnt that sometimes, you just have to wait your turn. Sometimes it is your turn to be hit with sewer on your face. Other times its your turn to get that ride to the moon. When it's your turn it's your turn.
Lastly, you can worry yourself to disease or you can smile right through the storm. This is hard and shall always be hard for me. Some things don't become easier with time. I think this is one of them. But it is easier to smile when you are sure you are not entirely alone. Storms come and go. Sometimes they seem to stick around forever just to test how much torture they can inflict but eventually the fortunes turn. I can't say I am smiling right through everything. Sometimes I am in a place where I am not sure whether to faint and pretend the world doesn't exist or do a columbine and face the angry world with guns blazing. But slowly with every passing year, the urge to strangle the few members of the world making my life hard reduces. Gives me time to enjoy the others who make my life so much easier and blissful. So I smile and ride out the storm.
So every so often I write down a few more things that have improved in my life because of one less fight I am having with God. My life will occasionally run into a pole face first and sometimes it will be a relaxing day in the beach. But sometimes I'll just be sitting quietly thinking about nothing in particular. But as long as that moment is now, I pray.