Fear!

Fear makes me sick. Not psychologically. but physically. It gives me ulcers and fevers and suddenly I have delirious hallucinations and make incoherent mumbling sounds. My stomach tightens and I go numb. I do not have a "fight" gene or even a "flight" one. I just have one I call a "fumble" gene. A gene that is no respecter of my otherwise calm personality and high IQ. I hate fear.

It makes me make rash decisions. It makes my voice high pitched as I make calls that are irrational. It drives me up the wall and sends me running into public bathrooms to breath. It makes me cry in public places and say things that I would otherwise not utter. It's what fear does to me. It rules my life with an iron fist and has a grip so strong, I remain helpless.

I do pray it away and sometimes it works. I close my eyes hard like a child when I am praying about fear. I pray like that because fear makes me like a child. I barely crawl on my stomach. I can hardly speak a language anyone understands. I need guidance and hope. I am always looking for someone who beat the system. It makes me look without for strength I should ordinarily have within.

That's why I hate fear. I walk with my head hung. Unsure of myself, of my next step. Unsure of my own voice and lost in my own crumbling world. Fear spoils my day, takes away my sleep at night but keeps me from leaving my bed, it takes away my faith. It curls its claws on my heart so tightly that I cannot reach out to my friends or my family. Fear keeps me alone. Kicks me in the stomach and watches me bleed out my resolve.

I hate not knowing who I am. Not knowing what I can do. I hate it when people shout and I flinch into a corner, unable to defend myself. I hate not knowing how to think for myself, how to breathe for myself. I hate fear and I think it hates me back. Otherwise it wouldn't be so hell bent to see me fail.

Hello Fear, I think we need to sit down and have a talk.