Today is a boring day.Generally. There's not much to do; and the office which assists in alleviating my poverty doesn't allow me to jump in and out to find something better to do (I will mention now that my boss has jumped out to play golf! When I become someone's boss ..... *sigh! give me a moment to daydream) Such days are the ones that inspire blogs like this and this but I haven't seen anything randomly interesting so I will write about something randomly serious that was playing on my mind, well, rather randomly on my way to work.
I turned a new leaf in my life quite recently. What I didn't realise is that this particular leaf was the size of a forest. I am slowly learning that it required not only a change of mind but a change of everything and anything I ever was. It required me to start my whole character from scratch and work my way back up. I thought I knew how to do this, seeing as I've done it before but I am realising that the peer pressure that kept me going all those years back is not with me any more. Now ni mimi na Mungu wangu, literally!
Today, I started missing the life that I left behind. The person that I was. I really really started missing me. Boredom brings out the worst in me. That and anger. But anger is rare so boredom has been the cause of many of my tribulations. Including a fateful day I went to watch "The Last Airbender". That day did not go down well at all. A mistake I am not planning on repeating soon. (I have had a phobia of going to the big screen since). I shudder at the thought.
Anyway, I digress. Now back to my random thoughts. So here I am in traffic reading (its the only free time I get to read anymore, thou shalt not judge me!) and all these thoughts start flooding my mind. It is Friday, I need to text someone (ok!you can judge me for the texting. Old bad habits!). Then I remember that those days are now behind me! I have a new lease in life. I need to stop texting while fighting through morning traffic. Maybe I need to stop reading too.....in traffic! :) But most of all, I need to stop thinking that Friday nights were created so that I can wake up Saturdays in pain.
What scares me the most about this new lease is that I now have to find a whole new way to keep myself entertained. I hate Friday night TV and yet I have to sit through it and wonder what the rest of the world is up to. I used to be part of that world that used to know not what happens at home on a Friday night. Now I am quickly becoming a part of "Did you watch American Idols" (suppress gag reflex!) I am happy that my skin will become clear from all the rest and water I am getting. Not to mention how clear my conscious will be from all the non-crime related activities I will be engaging in on my weekends. Not that I'm any kind of seasoned criminal ;)
I have to admit though that I am hiding out on purpose. I am deliberately staying out of temptation's way. Lest I fall off my bandwagon and become unable to return. I promptly throw myself into bed early on weekends and force sleep. I am weak to temptation. There I said it and I know a downward spiral will not be at all pretty!
My new friend, whom I have met in this journey to a new me, is being a whole bunch of help (God bless her compassionate heart) and has offered to keep me company on occasional Fridays when my resolve is feeling particularly weak. And I have called on ammunition and protection for the days I foresee in the future that will be impossible to stay on the straight and narrow. I have planned as far as late May. (I deserve a pat on the back for such foresight!) I feel quite confident that my much stronger friends will come through for my weaker, well-intentioned self!
What am I trying to say in all these random meaningless words?
Change on its own is hard. Changing yourself on the other hand, as I'm slowly learning, is damn near impossible. Old habits die hard and they come calling at the weakest of moments. (They should be like opportunity and come knocking at the least opportune time!). A support-system is crucial and pride and ego are close to non existent. Withdrawal syndrome just doesn't affect seasoned druggies, it affects old habits formed!
Maybe now I'm hiding but eventually have to come out into the real world and get my resolve tested. Hopefully by then, this new me,this one that I am trying so hard to be, will have transformed into an older,better me!
;-)
Good luck with the new life. I always say it's not so much a new life, it's just the old life with a new way of looking at things. It's easier to transition when you look at it that way, that way you don't go through a phase of regret everytime you do something you used to. Just unlearn one day at a time. I love change, as many things as I try to change in my life, I always hold on and live in the moment however much I want to change it because it's tomorrows reference. Again all the best.
ReplyDeletep.s New hobbies? New friends perhaps? That always helps.