Numbers 1 through 4

I've been on a discovery mission over the past few months. Refer back the Who Am I? a couple of months back among many other confused and confusing blogs. Knowingly and unknowingly I have entered into new parts of my life and some I like, some I'm still to decide, some I down right despise.

Before I enter into this little truth about my life, let me give you a short background of where I'm coming from. I am the true and full daddy's girl. As a result, most of my emotional, physical and psychological support has been from men. As far as I can remember, I have always had 4 men in my life to bounce of my life on. My sounding boards so to speak. The first is my dad, probably my biggest advisor..the other 2 are my brothers (who we share and exchange business ideas, war stories, lies, drinks and car keys). The fourth is usually the tricky one. It's usually not quite the boyfriend. It's just a really close male person who I call so many times that his number automatically slides into speed dial. I have never been without my number 4. And I mean ever.

Number 4 was always the guy who held the emotional side of me. He was, for lack of a better term, a shoulder to cry on and my backbone. Almost two years back, my backbone kinda fell off. That is when I realised how un-independent I am. Being the fore front preacher on girl power and independence, this sort of took the breath out of my system. I was entering into a new phase of my life and so apparently was everyone else. i.e my numbers 1 through 4. My older brother was getting married and had a child on the way and a new job to haggle. My kid bro was happily discovering life as a campus student. And by discovering I mean lying in a happy stupor for days.(He has since grown out of it) And as for my number 4 well our "relationship" was going burst an not in the nice pat on the back, it was nice knowing you kind of way. (I put "relationship" in quotes with good reason). As for me, I was about to leave campus to the most confusing 6 months of my life. Life as I knew it was about to change. Miss Independent wasn't so independent any more.

It's usually good when things happen slowly and in some sort of moderation. That way you can plan your next move and have options lined up. This time though, everything happened suddenly. One moment, I had 4 strong reliable men to lean on, and the next, I was standing alone wishing the world would swallow me whole. I quickly realised I had never made a decent decision of my own. Everything I did before that moment had been passed through one number and the sieved through another and then I'd take the last reasonable solution given. That's how my version of independence worked.

When I jumped into my first job and misery ensued all round (bad bosses are everywhere. BEWARE!), I had the hardest time making a decision to move. I had never relied on myself this much before. It was terrible times. I couldn't call number 4 any more and I would rather eat tar than cry in front of my family members. So I sucked it in and charted my way forward. They never teach you these things in school. How to fight your own battles. How to win your own wars. But this was my battle and the only person on my corner to fight was me. My fight with this imbecile of a man who thought he could rule the planet one day (God help us all!) was on and I wasn't planning to go down easy. He insulted my intelligence one day and I decided it was time to go suffer elsewhere. My intelligence was all I had intact then, I was not going to have him muddy its good name.

In those 6 months, I turned into those girls I don't like. Those ones who beg and stalk and drink alot and drunk dial their exes. Those ones we hear about from our friends and think "What a loser!". I get embarrassed every time I think about it. But I was hurting and I hated going to work and I needed comfort. At that point, it made sense to get comfort from the one person who wouldn't give it to me. Only God knows why that would make any sense. Lucky for me, he's a decent man with good manners otherwise he could just have as easily crushed my depressing soul.

Eventually after many false starts, I did begin to recover and learn how to rely on myself and started to have more faith in more people other than my 4 pillars of strength. I moved jobs, I got happier and a tad bit more content with the life that I have.I never used to be content with anything. Every problem needed to be dissected, bisected, chewed, regurgitated and then put in plain sight for all to see. Usually "all" meant these 4 people.Including things that were not even problems to begin with! Now, problems I cant solve I shelf, those I can, I work through them slowly and privately. Unless they totally overwhelm me.

I haven't had a real number 4 in almost 2 years. In fact my speed dial now includes my family, my best friends (all shockingly female)and my banker (who happens to be the only number on my recent call list-yes, all 20 calls are from him!And yet I don't feel stalked)

Of course I don't deal with all my problems alone. I still take advice from my father very seriously and if a problem is too large for me to solve, my brothers are only a call or IM away. I have many more friends now than before. They form my shoulders and backbone. People I can lean on when sh*t hits the fan among other things and I am eternally grateful for their support even when I'm going through private, random stuff. (They also allow me to over-think my problems when need be!). Watu stand-up kabisa. and I am still some-what friends with 1 or 2 number 4's out there from years past. At least the ones who actually understood and tolerated my mildly insane behaviors including the one who got the bulk of the confusing transition. I should buy him a cactus or something.

I will admit that I sometimes fall into old habits. Some times I regret them but sometimes I just let them slide and hope no one notices. I don't anger as much, I don't over think as much. I don't write and rewrite and then edit and re-write my future as much. I have grown. Being left out alone emotionally has really aged me well. I don't think I'd be where I am if they hadn't all unknowingly walked away....from me! I can now go to church alone and not feel badly for my lonely state and I'm learning to enjoy eating meals on my own. I didn't know what I was missing until now. It's truly awesome. Someday, I'll get me a number 4 but thank the Lord every day that he'll have a more wholesome person to work with. (Really, put it on your prayer list. You have no idea what he would have gotten into before)