Isaiah 40:31??

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

A couple of years back, facebook had this viral thing going where you wrote 25 things you thought people didn't know about you. I was an addict then (I'm unsuccessfully trying to kick the habit) so I sat in my room on campus and typed away some funny and non personal stories about shoes and books and poems and cars and other random things that everyone already knew. I remembered this yesterday while in church (I really should stop my mind from wondering in church. Suggestions anyone?) But hear is something very few people know.....

The above verse is what Is. 40:31 says. It is part of a tattoo I got eons ago.Right at the bottom infact. In the depth of my rock phase in campus, I went and got me a tattoo. I was right on the edge of turning gothic but my mother would have none of it and if you have met my mother, no one has a prayer against her so I settled for just a tattoo on my shoulder. The thing about tattoos is that people want them to mean something. It is this permanent mark on your body....it just has to mean something. Right? Wrong. So every time someone sees it they'll ask what it means and why you got it and blah!blah!blah! It is a great conversation starter......if you have a touching story to go with it. Unfortunately most of the people who have them got them because they have always wanted one. Period! and so did I! I had wanted one for as long as I could remember and the decision to get one took all of 3 minutes which included choosing a design and a body part to get it done.

So why Isaiah 40:31?

There's no touching moving story. I put it there because I needed God not to send me to hell for getting permanent ink on my body. My mother believes its a mortal sin that should send you straight to the hell fires. I needed God to see my side of the story. I wanted it not to be those verses everyone knows....Like I said conversation starter! so I chose something easy to remember and nice to quote.

But in the years that have followed since, the verse started taking up new meaning. It's on my back, I can't get it off. I think it made its way to my mind and eventually to my heart. Yesterday I wondered if I have the power left to carry it with me everywhere I go. This reminder of a faith I'm not too sure I have anymore. I have almost no faith in myself anymore, can I have faith in another being? Let alone one I cannot see or hear? Do I honestly have the ability to trust in this Lord fully?

I will soar with wings like eagles, I will run and not get weary, I will walk and not faint? They were nice words to say in Sunday school when we used to be given verses to memorise. But now when I need to believe, I find it hard. I am barely crawling without fainting, how does He expect me to run let alone fly? I have the hardest time putting God first in my affairs. It's even harder to think that He could get me out of where I am now and into the next level that I want to be. Sometimes it even feels like I'm back-tracking instead of moving forward. And I can assure you that I backtrack without getting weary. Moving forward is however a tad bit harder than expected.

Can I do this? Can I be true to the words that are embedded onto my back for life? Can I just let go and "wait" upon the Lord? Sometimes my ambitions and conscience get in the way of the plans He has for me. I over-think, I over-react. Almost like biting the bullet long before it leaves the gun. No doubt I want to soar and I definitely want to run -hopefully in the right direction- but often its hard to believe that I will get to where I want to be. Within the given time that I want to get there. Harder to believe that someone else will get me there.

I think its hard for me because most times I don't even know what I am doing or even which way I'm meant to be going. I am as spaced out as the Jetsons. Letting my life roll around in the wind. But yesterday as our pastor talked about having a prayerful existence, I realised that at some point I have to make a choice. Let God run my destiny and make me soar or try and do it by myself and wait for the crash landing (this me!me! story hasn't gone too great so far!)

Do I want to get it off my back?

I don't think so. It keeps me grounded in a way most things never have. Who would have thought!