Out of the exhaustion that is today, I decided to do something I never do.......I took one of those online tests that show your destructive love cycles or whatever. I figured, since I'm clearly not beating men off me with a stick, it would be nice to hear another person's opinion of what is going on. The voice I decided to choose was: "Love for Successful Women". Seeing as I am a moderately successful woman(I haven't died of starvation yet, so that should count as some sort of success!), this counted as a place I could seek wisdom and great advice from an oracle that could not look down on me with judgement but quietly chastise me from a distance for my bad decisions. So I took a 2 minute test (its always a 2 minute test, they never count the bathroom breaks, the minutes you spend trying to interpret what they could possibly be asking, or the lies you are trying to hide so that you can get a great score.) I scored a confusing 52 out of an even more arbitrary 100. I was inexplicably pleased with myself because my upbringing taught me that 50 is an acceptable passing grade. So here are a few things that my test revealed to me in a well written .pdf form that they sent to me afterwards.
The Externally Motivated Operating System (EMOS) is running your love life. EMOS may look like this — trying to change aspects about your partner; talking often to your friends and family about your problems and asking what they would do; blaming what happens on someone or something else instead of taking responsibility; not feeling fulfilled. Since you tend to be motivated by external factors, EMOS tends to make your relationship about everyone and everything else and not about you.
Well, I always thought I was a fairly selfish person in relationships. But I guess I could always try to be motivated by other external factors other than myself. But the one thing that they did get right though is that I have a hard time taking responsibilities in relationships. Why carry the blame, when there is 7 billion people, furniture, nature and the increasingly volatile economy to blame. Blame yourself only as a last resort.
You’d like change to happen outside of you. You’re hoping your partner will change and then maybe you’ll change. You tend to react rather than respond.
Again I repeat, why carry the responsibility yourself.....hmmmm! But seriously though, this did make me think about how I handle myself around relationships. I sometimes do get a little lazy and that may not be very tactful or even helpful.
You’re apt to hold tightly to a concept of how things should be. This means trying to control aspects of your relationship and partner to fit what you know and what you’re comfortable with. When you can’t control things, you’re left feeling uncertain, frustrated, upset, dejected, stressed and hopeless at times. This causes you to question and not trust yourself, your partner and your relationship with him.
This is mostly true. 'Bad girl Neemo. very bad girl' Slaps self on wrist. This may be contradictory from the statement above but I am a very complex human being. Approach with caution.
If you want to change your habitual ways of thinking and being in love relationships, find someone who is already successful in the kind of love relationship you want. This will take you to love in a more direct and graceful way.
Is this woman/website/nerd advocating for me to go steal someone's man. *gasp* How dare? I think I have quite a bunch of friends who are in successful relationships so at least I am heading in the right direction or at least looking at it. However, I don't think I would like to hunt down their boyfriends for advice. EEEW! For shame website, For dear shame!!! * waves disappointed finger*
Then the woman on the other side of the internet, gave some invaluable advice at the end:
How ready are you to find true love?
Your readiness level depends on how receptive you are to:
Take responsibility for your actions and behaviors.
Look within yourself and do the inner work.
Work through barriers knowing that there is not a quick fix.
Be courageous.
And then some more sensible words of wisdom after giving me her contacts (very efficient these ones):
1.Assessment
Assess your past and current relationship patterns, how you show up in your
relationships (i.e. role, behaviors, actions, etc.), relationship role models. Think about the type of partners you tend to attract and their common traits,
expectations you have from your partner and relationship. What are your fears about love? How do you sabotage yourself and you relationships? What is your
communication style? What have you tried so far to find true love?
2. Desired Outcome
Define your ideal love relationship and expectations. Think about whom you want to become and what you want to be doing. Describe your ideal partner. Explain how you want to communicate, relate and feel.
3.Potential Barriers
Identify obstacles (i.e. behaviors, thoughts, patterns, environment, things) that have kept you and could keep you from true love. For each obstacle, determine
positive and productive ways to work around them.
4. Design a Winning Strategy and Action Plan
Develop a strategy and plan based on how best to move forward. Be super clear about your desired relationship and partner. Determine sustainable ways to
move forward after understanding the root causes that are holding you back.Develop recurring behaviors and activities that can be leveraged into becoming
your authentic self. Create supportive and sustainable internal and external environments. Practice, reassess and readjust - repeat
And there you have it folks, my love relationship status in a few short words. I could use it as a CV to show just how much I have grown. I shall definitely strive to improve. PRACTICE, REASSESS, REPEAT.REPEAT.REPEAT.... deep breath.
what I'm listening to now....
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