God, Change and I

This post is not about a laugh, or a cry. It is not about pain or suffering. We shall not be poking fun at my various misfortunes or laughing out loud at the *although hilarious* misfortunes of others. This post as you have seen is about "God, Change and me"

Meet me, a year ago. About a year and a half ago, I went through something I can only describe as an emotional breakdown. Saying it out loud makes it sound less ominous than I was feeling. I wasn't a crier, but I cried alot. I wasn't a complainer but I had nothing but complaints, I wasn't anything bad, but I did it anyway. Inside I was a mess. I wanted to die. Outside, it was all good. Life was great. Sometimes it broke through and I wrote a sad post here and there but all in all, I was in more pain than I had ever experienced. You see, the problem with girls like me, is we are not talkers, we don't express, we don't let the act of unburdening to unsuspecting, usually unwilling souls drag us through the mud. We hold it in. We embrace it. We let pain consume us until all that is left is a charred soul. A charred soul with no voice.

But about a year and a half ago, I broke. Almost irreparably. It was as shocking as it was rough. I wondered if people would miss me if I was gone. Not like to Somalia or Afghan but like really gone. I wrote eulogies in my sleep. I wondered in the silence of the night is life would be better on the other side. Then I heard that people feel much better when they get saved. So I drove around on a Saturday morning, with tears in my eyes most of that day, and looked for a pastor. You have no idea how busy pastors are on Saturday. Waaaa! Si I looked. I started looking at 9 and by 1, I still hadn't gotten a pastor. I had gone to offices, churches, asked, called,knocked on doors, stopped innocent bystander on the street. I was getting hopeless. Even God didn't want to hear from me. I was done. The break was now complete.

That was the first time I heard about Alabastron. From a woman I went to cry to when I was most alone. A woman I had never met before. I didn't go that time round. I wasn't ready to let anyone see my soul. I did join a Bible Study group though. To see if God would really come through for me and eventually I did get saved. The pain lingered though. For a very long time, it held a grip on my heart. A grip so strong that sometimes I used to lose my breath. I admired people who seemed so joyous to be saved. Like there was an instant renewal. They had literally cast their burdens. My burdens were still with me. Holding on tight. So I pretended. I pretended to be free, I pretended that I was fine, I pretended that I was alive.

So I lived my life a little more for others. I dressed like I thought they would like, I talked like I thought was acceptable. I clung, I pulled and pushed people. After a year of causing myself more pain than joy. Making decisions that made me feel foolish afterwards, I decided it was time for change. It's a strange time. That point when you reach that crossroad where you know its only one way or the other. YOU are either going out or you are going up. For the second time, a few days before I handed in my resignation,I met someone else who told me to try out Alabastron, so I was like "What the hell! This was my last resort anyway." After this, I'm not trying any more. I was going to be done. I was on fumes.

So with the last money I had in my account. I signed up, in secret. I did tell my friends abit later; after I had started. But I needed to do this by myself, for myself. That was a little more than 3 months ago. I entered the class and sat at the very back. Doubting them all the way. Doubting that they could do that which God had been unable. Here are a few things I have learnt in my 3 months in the program: a)Forgiveness: No one hurts you unless you love them. Unless they mean something to you. You don't need to forgive the watchie who, for his own self pleasure, decided to give you a snide remark. You need to forgive your mother, your friend, your ex, your spouse, your child. I needed to forgive, first and foremost, myself. For all the things I felt I had let myself down for. For not making it as far as I thought I should, for thinking I was never good enough, pretty enough, bright enough, charismatic enough. I needed to forgive God. For everything. Nilikuwa naona nimetendewa. I felt betrayed, lost and I felt it was His fault. It was His responsibility to save me and He hadn't bothered. Later I realised that maybe He was preparing me for such a time as this. A point where I would be so broken, that there was only Him. Then there was everyone else, and slowly in equal measure it was time to put the past behind, one moment at a time. One painful experience after another.

b) The brutal truth: It is said the truth shall set you free. Hehehehe! Give me a moment to shake my head. (private joke!) The brutal truth about myself, when I finally realised what was disturbing me made me once, not too long ago, cry in the middle of the road; for myself. I could not believe that I had been lying to myself for so long. We lie to others about who we are for so long, that we start to believe it. It was rough. The people I disliked just because. The ones I disregarded, the ones I blamed. Everyone was bad but me. When I realised how I had drugged myself down with all my lies. It is good to also look at the truth about others. People most often than not say what they mean, at face value. I did not listen. Not to the ones who wanted to stay and especially not to the ones who wanted to leave. It was terrible. I was terrible. The truth no matter how bad or painful or brutal, is always the truth. It is out there.

c)Purpose: Some people know what they need to do early in life, others live their whole lives and don't ever know. I thought I would be the latter. Where my job frustrates me to an early grave. Slowly, I have began to understand what it would mean to live within my purpose. Not to be scared to go to work every morning. To know that out there, there's a place designed just for me. It may take a while but I know its coming. Work, fun and enjoyment will be wrapped up into one happy day. :-)

I still have some ways to go. Infact the journey has just began. But I am quietly excited about it. About the future. The change has began. Slowly but beautifully. It's good to know myself. Know who I belong to, know my own decisions and be sure of them. So the past hurt, so what? We pick up and move on. The future is yet to come. So this story involving God, change and me...this one shall continue for a long time to come.