You go to every club event, you wear eye whitener just before your favourite eye liner and tell yourself that you shall not even think about him. You were always at your best and he still left. He's an ar*e and that type have a special place in hell waiting for them. You vow off men. You dance until morning and work until night time. You do everything to make sure you don't even have a minute to yourself. You blame the insomniac days on the stress at work and your lethargic heart on all the partying. You have stopped listening to Adele, The Script and it is getting to a point Kigeugeu gets you to a point of murderous rage or insurmountable self pity. Only loud music in louder places from now on.
When you go home, you drown your pain in bottles of wine, you invite friends over and listen to mindless chatter. You need to be alone but you refuse to face the consequences of loneliness. You want to prove to them that you are fine with everything but most of all, you need to prove it to yourself. You avoid every mention of his name like a plague, you never go any where you ever went, even anywhere you just passed through once by mistake. You refuse to admit that even the slightest memory hurts.
That is until the inevitable happens; a friend mentions his new relationship, you bump into his mother who zealously hugs you, you see his car on the other side of the street. Suddenly everything you have worked so hard to contain, goes spiralling out of control. Right there in the middle of everything. In the middle of fake smiles and useless banter, amidst a world that seems to have moved on in your pain, you finally admit to yourself that you are falling apart. That inside you are shredded and torn.
At that moment is when you let the pain take over you like a tidal wave. If you are lucky, you find a quiet private place to let it all out, but in some unlucky cases, fate just lets you feel it right there. In front of a bewildered audience. Like a bad show without a story line and too much inexplicable emotion.You let all the good times mix with the bad times. You let the laughter he created blend with the pain he caused. You allow all his beauty to merge with his ugliness. That moment you wish for him like an addict. It takes all your will power and sometimes, your friends' willpower to stop you from doing something stupid and ridiculous, like calling him drunk or falling asleep outside his apartment.
But it was a break-up and you know it was the right thing to do. You know keeping his number won't do you any good. You know holding to a painful grudge will hurt you more than him, you know if it was as good as you imagined, it would have lasted longer. You know it was never your fault. Maybe his. But never entirely your fault. You know life happens even to the best of women. But time heals all wounds, and the day you realise that, is when you begin to truly heal.
I saw you screaming,
when no one can hear,
you always feel ashamed that someone could be that important
that without them you feel like nothing.
no one will ever understand how much it hurts,
you feel hopeless,
but nothing can save you,
and when its over and its gone,
you almost wish that you could have that bad stuff, so you can have the good.
Rihanna - We Found Love (Preamble)