A rare moment of honesty!

It is very rare that we are brutally honest with ourselves. We are generally honest with ourselves but we taint it, even to ourselves. To maintain the status quo. To make life more acceptable. We pretend we are not as tired as we are, as desperate as we are, as happy as we are, as satisfied as we feel. We tell ourselves that life is should be average. Don't ripple still waters, they may turn back at you in tsunamis. Or that you should contain your excitement, for the sake of all that is good and proper in this world. You carry yourself just so. Respect everyone else's wishes just so. Enjoy your life just so.

Today when I started preparing for work, I could feel my heart dragging me back. Refusing me to walk out the door. It was so heavy it was almost physical. I guess it was finally tired of being lied to. But I lied to it one more time. Probably not the last time but I told myself that it was just exhaustion, it was just fatigue. It would all go away in December. When I finally lay myself to rest for a few days over Christmas. But I knew I had lied to myself one more time. Just to get out of the house.

Sometimes I lie to myself for other reasons that are ambiguous and irrelevant reasons. What ifs? How comes? etc....So I don't change anything. I leave things arranged just as properly as they should. So that I cause no ripples. Like I'm on factory settings and I'm yet to be upgraded to something greater. Something better. Something extraordinary.

So I dragged my heart to the office. My heavy unwilling heart; pulled along by a body too committed to logic and reasoning. Too committed to worry and uncertainty. As I stood at the door to the office and stared at my desk across the room and wondered about the days I had spent in front of that computer. Pushing paper, typing, scrolling, planning, my heart wanted to run more than ever. If it could scream, I'm sure the scream could be heard from space. Or at least from my untidy room back home.

It felt like a much better idea to go tidy up the house than to sit down. At a job I cared nothing for with a pay that sent my siblings into fits of laughter every single time I mentioned it. I stood there for probably for 20 seconds. It felt like 20 years.

But what would happen if I turned and walked away? Where would I go? Back to a mother I seem to disappoint over and over again? Back to a bank I owe abit too much? Back to a life of uncertainty? Or back to a life I had longed for, for far too long.

So I sat. I switched on, logged onto the network, prepared for the day and read notes that had been left while I was away. I watched my world stream in noisily from the outside world. I watched as people came on-line and started sending client mail and briefing the boss. I was back to my lie as I knew it. I had expenses..... and pride....and fear. Too much pride to start over. Too much fear to let go. To face new possibilities. Too many expenses that seemed to spiral out of control. I had no fall back money to go back to. The economists estimate that you should have at least 6 months salary. Ha! They'd weep at the state of the accounts that were mine. Weep that if my world should crash beside me, I would crash right along with it.

There was so much that my heart carried. So many lies. So many burdens. So much fear. So my collegue peeps over just now and watches as I type for a few seconds. "Ai, kwani you are still on Day 1? you never go to Day 2?" I shrugged. It might be the only thing that is holding my wits around my desk. Day 2 may be too complicated for me. There I go again. Another lie for my heart to live with. Another lie just to make this abit more bearable.