Our battle with ourselves, with our pride, with our person is probably the biggest war of all. I don't think there are that many things harder than saying no to ourselves. Denying ourselves our desires.
I am not big on talking about myself. Of course if you're reading this this you're thinking " aiiii, lies. all lies!" But writing a blog loosely based on my day to day misconducts and thoughts is very different from sitting across a table from another person and talking about what or who I am. What disturbs me, what excites me, my desires, my hopes and dreams. It is not a natural occurring event to me. It is much easier to hide behind a screen, where I can pretend to be successful and open minded. For all anyone knows I am in a musky basement in my night gown, smoking a pack a day and stinking of unwash. However, I could also just be me.
But people like me, we got more issues than we can deal with. Mostly because we do not share, we do not let go, we do not exhale. We think we need to solve every single problem alone. We believe we are X-men or something. Every single fight needs to be fought alone. It is a little hell we don't know how to get away from. So we let our issues fester and breed bed sores, we allow them to rot until they start oozing to the surface. Until our issues become us. They become the only thing we know.
That is how I started writing. As a way to try and get it all out. A way to relieve the pressure that was building without an outlet. At first it was a way to talk to myself and clear my head. Now, its become my sounding board, my confidant, my little rock. People I have never met advice and encouragement. My friends quietly nudge me on and hold me up. Others just empathise and nod in understanding. But either way, it releases me from whatever small hell that I had built.
I envy people who have the ability to open up about their most mundane thoughts. Every single twitch on their finger, every broken nail, every eyelash shed is a point of deep conversation. Their hopes, their dreams, their aches and pains....it's all laid bare and somehow such people seem to lead an easier life. It seems more.......simple for them. Less hurdled. They share their problems with the universe and then let it be the universe's problem. I used to think they are just being selfish. Now it seems they are just much stronger. Some of us are just terribly afraid of disappointment. You try once and if that first time doesn't work out, you walk away and go deal with yourself the best way you know how.
But letting it out to someone else, I think, is usually a starting point in the process. Your excitement is doubled, your problems are halved, lives are shared and intertwined. Life is generally an easier place to be. So if any of you is like me out there, it is important to occasionally let people in. Let them see your battle wounds, let them experience your victories. Let them love you in totality. Unhindered. As I am slowly learning; in sharing, it is easier to let go, it is easier to forgive and forget, it is easier to smile, it is even easier to persevere.
So maybe you get disappointed from time to time. Maybe sometimes the process hurts. But it is not every single time you shall be disappointed. Someone out there wants to hear the voices in your head and to hear the music in your soul. Say what you need to say. Someone is listening.
All of this lines across my face,
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am,
But theses stories don't mean anything,
If there's no one to tell them to,
I was made for you.
Brandi Carlile - The Story