Losing My Religion

Religion:
A strong belief and following in a higher/supreme being.

Faith:
The ability to believe in something in which there is no physical evidence even exists.

(cue in song)

I saw an accident today. It was at a place that I had never seen one before. Not even a run over dog or chicken or whatever. In all the decades I've been up and down our road, I had seen them at junctions and at gates, even at random blind spots. This was a straight stretch with little to no traffic. The car had rolled on the road severally. I guess the rolling was broken by the fence that it eventually flattened on the other side of the road. Usually such scenes freak me out. But not this time. I looked at the scene with cold calculation and an uncaring demeanor. I passed the cops, ambulances and cars with not a care to speak off. He had people to take care of him, if all the cars parked on the side of the road were anything to go by. I just could not be bothered to be one of them.That was what scared me. It shook me to my core. My hands were still shaking when I got to the office. And my heart is still beating funny as I write this. I didn't care for him and yet I wanted to be him.

I made a prayer many years ago. In a matatu on my way to campus. A prayer I still hold onto til this day. A prayer I make in different variations as recently as yesterday morning. But I woke up today, I opened my eyes and everything was still the same. Nothing had changed. I was still in the same position, I was waking up to do the same things. What had I been praying for all this years? What do they say, The fervent prayers of a Righteous man availeth much? James 5:16. I don't know where I was going wrong. Maybe I wasn't fervent enough with my prayers, maybe I wasn't Righteous enough, maybe He just didn't feel like availing to me anymore. It felt like He didn't care. So as I drove past that accident I wondered if I had any reason to care. And if I stopped caring now, if I would ever care again.

So when I woke up today I made one prayer. Not the one I had repeated over and over without reply.

"Lord, give me a miracle. Give me super Jesus"

You see I attend an LG (Life Group) where people seem to have their prayers answered instantly. So every meeting was a celebration of one kind or another. And it was cool. It was hopeful. I wanted what they had. So I started praying harder than before. I did everything I needed to. I even did that thing in The Secrets where you send out only positive things into the universe and they bounce back to you. Then it started feeling like they were praying to a Super Jesus and I was praying to the trainee on probation. Not a single answer. Kinda like all those letters that come and tell you, "Thank you for sending us your application but we regret to inform you..." I needed Super Jesus and I think He was on leave when I started praying harder so when He came back, there were more urgent matters in his inbox.

So yesterday for the first time I screamt at Him. I asked Him whatever I did wrong. I asked Him if it was anything I could fix. I threatened to move on. Yesterday I lost my faith. I lost my strength. I was giving up. I was losing my religion and I had been losing it for a while now. Why should I keep talking if He wasn't listening?

I'm no stranger to running away when things get thick. But it's a bit hard to run from someone who is everywhere so I said the prayer. Then I saw the accident. And I envied the man who was behind the wheel. He could for a little while forget about the world. Forget about his work and his life and his problems. For a moment he could let someone else deal with the crap the world was throwing at him. I didn't feel sorry for him. I envied him. and at that moment when I drove past unblinking, I could have traded my life for his in a heartbeat. Maybe then He would hear me. Maybe then He would think what I had to say was important.

So for the past month I have been searching for my own Super Jesus. Even as my faith dwindles to a small light in the distance, I am still searching. I'm itching to run but still I search. I hold on hopefully to a situation I am beginning to think is hopeless. I have one prayer today,while I am desperately clutching to the little religion that I have left:

Lord if You can hear me; I need a miracle.