The Power of Imperfection.

I was watching the movie "Just Go With It" last night. I tend to watch sappy movies when I'm tired and I can't seem to get to sleep(confusion tends to do that to me). In one of the scenes, they were playing this game where you ask each other random irrelevant questions like "If you were a bird, what would you be?" or "would you ever like to be an alien?" or "what colour of the rainbow do you think you are?" and other such things that really get lost on me. Sometimes I wonder who sits down and wonders whether they are cyan, indigo or a bright yellow. Me, I just think I'm badly tanned black person.

Then one of the kids picked one of those mother of questions:

"If you were to be anyone else in the world, who would you be?"

Of course the scene wasn't as dramatic as I'd have liked it to be. With people going into deep monologues (like they were posing in a beauty pageant or something). But then again this was a rom-com and not "Twilight". I was probably the only person who felt the gravity of that question because for the longest time, I wanted to be someone else. Anyone else really would have been fine. Anyone but me. Sometimes I still feel like that. Some days like today.

"If you were given a chance, would you still come back as yourself?"

A lot of times when I was growing up, I wondered what my life would have been like if I had grown up in a different place or went to a different school or had a different lifestyle or just maybe, if I was born as a white person. Blonde, pretty, bright, popular. Just not myself.

I don't know how many people go through a case of identity crisis but I remember mine and it was not a pretty picture. It took more than a little will power to accept who I was. To accept the person I would eventually become. When you get to that point of reckoning, when you finally realize that you are who you are, it knocks you back a bit. Like you had been living someone else's life and you just recently found yourself. Wanting to be someone else or be somewhere else doesn't change that fact that every morning you wake up and look in the mirror, all you will ever see is you.

I am slowly learning to accept who I am. Slowly. I found out rather painfully that it's the only way I will accept who I was meant to be. I have held on to things I shouldn't. I have coveted things that were never meant to be mine and I have wished for dreams that I knew would never be realised. I have even prayed prayers that were not meant to be prayed. At least not be me. But this year, I told myself that I would strive not to lie to myself. Not to deceive myself. I am trying my best to be open with all that I am. The good, the bad and the ugly. Especially the ugly.

I'm not really sure I am satisfied with who I am or with what I have achieved so far. And today I was certainly doubting the person I saw in the mirror. But maybe that doubt is what is causing me not to achieve the things that are truly mine. That uncertainty is what is curbing my true potential. I have not been afraid to be myself in a long time and I had forgotten what a scary place fear creates for me. What a depressingly dark place it is.

I am not perfect. I never will be. But accepting that has also given me a power I never had before. Accepting that sometimes I forget who I really am. Well, I guess that's just who I am. Learning to love every imperfection as it crops up. Learning to accept each personality flaw with absolutely no doubt that it was meant to be. God created a creature of beauty. Maybe I should just accept that and move on.

Today, it may be abit hard to accept who I am. I know I will feel like this for a while. Wishing myself away to a place I don't have to face myself or anyone else for that matter. I should know since I have been there before. That dark place. The only difference between that last time I was there and now, is that now I know who I am. What I am. Who I was meant to be. I may not be perfect but I am liking my imperfections more and more each day. Those imperfections are what make me unique, different even sometimes special.

"Would I still want to come back as myself?"

At this point I probably will not answer a strong "yes" but I can tentatively say I will soon be fine with not wanting to be anyone else. Although I am absolutely sure right now, I don't want to be blonde.

I am who I am. I am me! Nothing, not even myself, can change that.


(Song that was on my mind)