There's been a thought thats been driving me up the wall. Literally. Yeah, a thought that gave me super powers like batman or something.First thing I think about when I wake up, last thing I think about when I go to bed. It's not a bad thought. In fact on good days its a great thought but here I am at 5 in the a.m trying to get my last few precious minutes of sleep and this thought is crawling through my mind like a badly oiled train. And then I can't get back to sleep. It's terrible. Midnight sometimes comes and goes while I'm staring at the ceiling. Sometimes I hate that thought.
Strangely, its the one thing I have never told anyone. That deep desire in my soul. That thing that I would wish to have for the rest of my life. If for nothing else, just so that I can get a good night's sleep. I keep thinking if I say it out loud, I'll jinx it and then the rest of my life will be spent in this insomniac nightmare where I can never get what I want.
Everything pales in comparison. All my desires, all my dreams and ambitions. If I get nothing and I get this one thing, I think my life would be complete. Don't make that face. I know what they preach. I wrote the book....partly. You don't need anything or anyone to complete you.blah!blah!blah! But how then can I explain how specific this hollowness is? The constant prayers that I make to God to help me make it through another day. How can I explain this desire to suffer alone. I either do it by myself or not at all.
For the longest time I couldn't even let God near that thought. It was too precious to be left in anyone else's hands. Even God. Amazing huh? It was my burden, I had to make plans and strategies and 5 point presentations to myself by myself. None of them have worked so far. And I have tried almost everything. Almost everything. At some point, I even thought it was my punishment for something I did in a past life. I was reincarnated to suffer with my thoughts.
Probably I'm not letting anyone in my deepest thought because I know the answers they give me will make me want to slap them across the face. Maybe it's because I was told "wait" and I walked off in an angry huff. Maybe its because I don't think I'll be able to survive a "No!". It's a need to protect myself in case things go wrong. A deep desire to pretend everything is dandy and superb even as I battle with my thoughts.
Yes, the heart wants what it wants. But sometimes I wonder if it is being overly ambitious. If it wants other people's desires. Things that are not meant for me. Am I chasing other people's dream and selling them as my own? Is this who I really am?
It's the same thought. Every morning, every night. The same very desire. If it's not my own, I beg that the burden be removed. That I may be spared the humiliation of finding out the hard way. If its truly what I need, then I ask that I may patiently sit with my thought without complaint.
Yes, this heart does go around wanting whatever the flip it wants without considering the owner. I know. Terrible. Isn't it?
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