Anyway, I have friends(female) who have the rare power of making men want to be better people. I call it a power because I don't have that rare ability. Almost like bending metal with just your mind. One moment a dude is running rogue and declaring eternal independence and 3 minutes after meeting, they are opening doors and arranging surprise birthday parties and organising trips for 2 to the coast. I think they are the female equivalent to Moses. Lead the enslaved male soul to Canaan where there'll be manna, sweet waters from a rock and succulent slabs of meat at your beck and call.
I did try to learn the tricks of this mysterious trade but I think I am to set in my ways to change now. Plus, you actually have to care to learn and when I start caring, I have a feeling I will eat my words in shame. I never used to understand how a woman could get a man to cook for her and drag his jalopy 100kms out of his way to pick her up because she is wearing heels. So I decided to do a silent study of my amazing friends to find out what they do right.
1)Miss Independent:
I have a strong independent streak as do all the women I know but what they have over me is they prefer to tone it down a notch. They don't change tyres, they let him drive them around, they pick up his dry cleaning and thought they are alpha dogs in the office, he straddles along and suddenly the bull dog turns into a chihuahua with a pink bow. Short of death, I really prefer him not to solve my problems for me.I don't like having to disturb a soccer game because the heels I knew were going to hurt my feet in the first place are hurting my feet. It makes me look needy and I'd rather not do needy. If you don't offer, I will not ask. When I ask for anything, I sound like I'm on the verge of begging and crying so far be it from me to beg.
2)I cook,clean and bend over:
With age I am starting to pick up on this concept.The cooking and cleaning one, not the bend over one. I am not the domesticated type. When I enter a house and find people in the kitchen, my first instinct is usually to sit down and put my feet up.I don't dislike cooking or cleaning but do I have to do it every day? I wish I could learn how to do this as much as I want learn how to ride a dirt bike. Some girls do this in their sleep and boy do I admire them. To naturally want to cook and look good while doing it....someday, my friends, someday!*sigh!
3)Princesses giggle, Pirates and retards guffaw:
I don't know whether it is just me or it is us girls who have been brought up with packs of boys, but giggling just does not come naturally to me. Girls giggle at jokes and cover their mouths and have little pretty laughs. I do not laugh much but when I do it is loud and bar-like. At least that's what I think it sounds like. Now the giggle is supposed to sound sexy and like everything he says is interesting. I cannot fake interest so I usually have this blank, annoyed look that just screams "go away before I hang you on a stake". I am learning the delicate art of giggling. Soon, I'll be a top notch giggler.
4)I will take care of you forever:
In my many years of hanging about the male gender, I have discovered that men take disease way way too seriously. e.g, every time my boss gets a cold, he comes dressed like he shall die and might want to be buried in the North Pole shortly there after. He lights his heater to full, shuts all his windows, calls for a humidifier and then orders chicken soup with every meal. And that is just the common cold. I don't want to belittle the misery and suffering that men experience but for a gender that thrives on contact sports, leaving you behind when you have the sniffles is not because I want to torture you. Another concept I find hard to understand....but like I said, this is a learning experience for me.
5)Of many skirts and trousers:
Girls wear skirts and boys wear trousers. I know the thighs look flattering, they define the figure, they make a girl look feminine and sexy and as a dude once put it very crudely to me one night "they make it easy to reach the ATM". Enter the tomboy and my list of excuses why I shall not wear that garment. Skirts are hard to walk around in, prove to be dangerous and difficult to use public transport and by no means make it easy to dance. Not to mention skirts call for accessorizing. I would honestly wear a skirt if I was given sufficient reason and occasionally I do throw on a pretty dress but that shall quickly be countered by months of jeans and work pants. Infact, a dude knows he has a tomboy under his spell if she willingly wears a dress when there's no occasion calling for it.
6)Just like my mama does it:
It is a well known fact that men eventually marry their mothers. My thinking:because of all the women in their lives, she is the one who stood by their nonsense, crap and misdemeanors. From jail break to making your favorite meal when you are sick with alcohol poisoning. So it is only natural to find someone who will put up with nonsense upon nonsense upon more nonsense. Well, since I like to think of myself as a rare and precious creature there can (at most) be only one,and I repeat,ONE other woman like me so her son has to really really look very hard for me.Sadly, I don't think he's looking in the right places. Oh, well. When you see him, give him my number.
7)Pride and prejudice:
I am proud and I judge. That is my biggest folly. Yes, I know my many faults but I shall only scare you with these two and I call the "follies" because they are cute instead of annoying. With my follies comes the stubbornness and stupidity of a mule. I am not proud of it, I'm just saying. Real women know how to put their pride aside for their men. A man is a proud creature and between him and his woman, it is easier for the woman to put her prejudices aside. It is a hard lesson to learn and every so often I learn it the hard and cruel way, promise to change and then go back to my deviant ways. This is perhaps the hardest lesson of all and that is why this is the first lesson I will learn.
No comments:
Post a Comment