"It's all good!" That's what I'm afraid he's going to say. I have never disliked that statement more because it's not all good. I haven't told him and the more I sit here, the more I know I'm not going to tell him. He's just sitting there humming he's tuneless hums and smiling. He should just continue smiling. The smiling is re-assuring at the very least. I'm also afraid that I will open my mouth and blurt it all out and then the smile will fade and then I will have nothing to hold on to.
I have booked an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. At the very least that is an afternoon I will have off from work. I'm really hoping that there's nothing wrong. Then I don't have to go for the other appointment on Saturday. That one is to sort out a different issue but I'm really hoping the 2 issues are linked. That way I can kill two diseases with one jab and cut back on the expenses. one appointment to sort both issues.
What if I tell him and then he forgets to show up or ends up having another appointment. He always chooses work over me. At least that's how it will feel. This time won't be any different.If they find nothing is wrong, he might just think I wasted a full afternoon for nothing. But I really do want him there holding my hand through it all. The moral support would be great. Like a good bra. But I don't want him feeling obligated to show up. Like I am forcing him to be there. He'll just pretend not to resent me for it.
I checked the cost for the preliminary visit and I think I can afford it. If there's another appointment needed,and it might very well be needed, I'll deal with it when the time comes. I'm just hoping that it doesn't come to that. Because if I don't tell him about this one, I can't tell him about the next one. It will have to be my cross to bear from here on in. Now I'm just crossing my fingers he never gets to hear about it. Dear God, let nothing be wrong. It might hurt him more than I realise but then again, he might just think "it's all good" and move on with his life like nothing is wrong. I'd rather he doesn't know then I won't have to face the reactions. God knows, I don't need any more pain.
He finally looks up from his food. I'm definitely not going to say anything. At least not until it is absolutely necessary. "U good?" He asks. "It's all good!" I reply. At least for now. It's all good.
Disclaimer: The above story is entirely fictional. I'm all good.