Dreams of Me

I always thought my life would turn out differently.

I always thought that by now, my life should have started figuring itself out. I should have had a career path set, a solid investment plan, a family, a home, a wardrobe. I do have those things....sort of...maybe....I think. Years later, I would be forgiven to look like a well-put together soul of the land. The untamed, unjudgy land. A soul of my dreams. Because I lack the strength to be a soul of the real world. The real world where my dreams are replaced with harsh truths. My desires replaced with responsibility. Dreams of a better life. A more fulfilled, more accomplished life. Not this life of lies that I live. Constantly convincing myself that I have the required stamina to move forward everyday.

Some days, this adulthood that I grew into seems almost like a forced ritual. Wake up, shower, check your bills, go to work, trek to the bank, run so that you don't die of lifestyle diseases, cook, sleep....then wake up with a start and pray that the Lord who created you has a bigger plan. A plan that I wish he could let me in on. Like I am cheating my way through life by creating a routine for myself. It almost feels like God may have made a mistake seeing as how blank I am on direction. Give that girl a map! Shouldn't life be more? Shouldn't it always be more?!

I dream of me. The me that I always thought I would be. The me that I thought I could be! The me that lived and let lived. The one who was the life of .... well, life. Dreams of a girl who knew her fashion, her cars and her men. Who knew her toes from her knees and didn't spend so much time trying to tell the difference. I dream of confidence and grace. All the things that I thought adults were when I was a child. Now I fumble with my forever-changing body, my constantly fearful heart and my desire to be more, to do more, to create more.

I dream of days where I will really know what it is I was meant to be doing, where all these mundane tasks I am carrying out are leading me to. It scares me that I could eventually leave this earth having achieved nothing meaningful, having touched no one, having not loved completely. I feel like this borrowed time that I am on should mean more, be more. Like I shouldn't waste it watching TV and walking slowly from shop to shop, smiling at strangers on the streets. Like I should be achieving greatness or at least trying to.

I dream of me. A different kind of me. I always did think my life would be further away from this keyboard. But here I am, living my life the best way I know how.