Don't touch me, I'll be just fine

I hate being touched. I don't go around touching people's cheeks and patting their shoulders and pecking them every time I stand up to go to the loo. That's how I know my friends .... I touch them and I let them touch me. (In a platonic way!) I allow them into my space and I accept to enter theirs. Its my ultimate level of trust. It's how I show I care. Touch is my distinguishing feature. A trust that I do not wield about lightly. If I let you hand linger in a handshake for longer than a second, I either have profound respect or fear for you....or you are my friend. Either way, it is not a privilege easily given. It is the Midas touch.

Unfortunately, that is also how I know I've lost a friend. When the power of touch leaves our relationship. Then it means that life as I knew it has ended and I have to start again. That is how important touch is to me. It's my physical manifestation of my love. And since I let so few in, it is quite a big blow. It takes me a long time to recover. I wonder if the next one will matter. If I'm going to be giving out my touch just to watch myself fail. And yes, when I lose a friend it makes me feel like a failure.

I have lost 2 close friends in the past year. They sort of faded away from my radar. So much so that it felt like they had died. and taken half of me with them. For one, I didn't see it coming. He just walked away, and never looked back. There was no note with an explanation, no lingering email to say when he'd be back. He didn't even leave pieces of me behind to remember him by. It was like the end of a great movie. The credits were rolling and there was no rewind button. The second one.... it just feels like the friendship is slipping through my fingers and I can't stop the course its taking. Like water or sand through my hands. Actually its like trying to catch a river with my teenie tiny hands. My touch is not enough. Like my green lush garden just got annihilated by aliens. I know I can do nothing about it but still I try and it hurts like hell. Because those memories we have, they never go away. Memories I cannot pass on to a new friendship. That I cannot sell. They have no transferable value. Occasionally I'll see something that reminds me of them and I won't be able to call or text. I will want to send an email but I'll be afraid. And the hardest part is that, I still won't be able to tell anyone else. Because those were relationships worth their salt. They left behind scar tissue that I sometimes wear with pride but mostly with shame. I now have to hide ever knowing them or them ever touching me. They taught me lessons and those lessons were real.

I miss the touch of those friendships. The warmth and closeness that they brought me. The circumstances that built us and maybe eventually crushed us. Even that one that has not completely faded, the one I am so desperately trying to save, I miss it everyday. The touch is gone. The warmth is fading. The trust completely forgotten. And every time I see them , every time we pass each other in the street, every time I hear their names in conversation or smell their scent in the wind, I will have to pretend that their touch meant nothing. I will have to say it, every time I will have to pretend to believe it, "Don't touch me today, I'm doing just fine." On my playlist:

Value Added Life

There's a story I heard a few months back about this powerful chap who was chasing (or pursuing... chasing sounds just dirty.) down this equally powerful woman for marriage. Years came and went and she declined him again and again. Then one day, seemingly out of the blue, she accepted his proposal. This gesture baffled this powerful man. A man not easily puzzled. After the flamboyant wedding, he asked her why she finally agreed to his advances. She gave a simple answer that seemed to impress this man not easily impressed. "I finally found what my purpose in your life was to be."

That got me thinking. Many of us have read books on purpose and value addition, attended conferences, listened to inspirational speakers and even done some yoga moves just to try and reach our inner purpose. But rarely do we seem to understand the full extent of purpose. I have been going through a soul searching, mind searching exercise about what purpose is and how my life should move from here on ... with purpose. No one leaves a true legacy in life, or even in another individual without a basic sense of purpose.

I have learnt that purpose has almost nothing to do with me as an individual, but it has alot more to do, with what I do as far as everyone else is concerned. What value am I adding in the world as I live in it. What will I leave behind when I go? Who will be affected (or infected...hehehe!) by my existence. Your purpose not only defines who you are as a person, it defines who other people perceive you to be. It defines what you do, how you do it and when you do it. It dictates what you say and how you say it. It decides what to look for and what to do when you find it. Even when the road to it is fraught with pain and damage and confusion. It keeps you on track and on goal. It directs you to the road you should take.

That's why finding your purpose is hard. Because it defines not only your existence but affects the existence of all those around you. It defines your whole life. So as I was writing down what I want to look back and see when I reach my twilight years, I started defining what my importance would be to the people around me. Would I be a confidant, a mediator, a shoulder to lean on, an inspiration, a friend, a mentor, a business partner etc. What value am I adding in their lives by being there? I quietly started noticing little negative trends that I had grown into. Habits that had become part of who I was. The complaining, the nagging, the "mild" stalking, the judging, the gossiping. I was clearly walking in the wrong direction.

I think in every relationship we have, whether business or personal or otherwise, it's important that we define what we want to give in that relationship. What we want to leave behind. We also need to define what we want to get out of it and how we want to get it. It needs to be more than just passion and feelings. It needs to be about action and returns. For example, if you enter into a business, its all well and good to be passionate about the venture, but alot of work is needed to get it up and moving and to the level you need it to be. Same reasoning is needed with relationships. Is it all about feelings and OMG's? What is your purpose there? Are you doing the legwork necessary to make it work?

It's important to know where you add value and where you don't. not just to imagine it and pretend that you are living but to truly know what it means to live a life of purpose. Just the same way you check who adds value to your life and who doesn't. Living and let live is all well and good, but in the process, you need to find out if your life is getting better or worse. If what you are doing will eventually get you to where you need to be. What are you losing along the way and what are you gaining? Are you living a value added life? On an unrelated note: The way I feel - Asa