I forget

I had forgotten his voice. His face. I had forgotten his memories. The memories he gave me. The memories we made together. When I was told he said 'hi', I had a hard time remembering who this person was. This stranger who was sending greetings. It was a strange sensation. That feeling that I could forget someone so completely. Someone who was such a big part of my life. For a moment, in the past, he had been my person. He had been THE person.

I felt ashamed. I nodded and smiled. "Tell him hi when you see him." is all I could reply. It scared me. In fact it terrified me. Even as the conversation continued and eventually went off in a different direction. So much so, that I forced myself to imagine him. Imagine his voice, why couldn't I place his laugh? The laugh of a man I had laughed with for so long? Or was he a boy? I couldn't remember. I feared I might not recognise him if he passed me on the street. That I might have a hard time knowing what to say to this man who was supposed to have been so much. Of a man we were supposed to have had so much in common.

I had forgotten him. My mind had erased him so completely and so un-apologetically. The man who gave me 'boyfriend Sunday' and made rock night memorable. A man who made me understand what it meant to love, though I may not have loved like I should. A man who with whom I had eaten pancakes and drank ridiculous amounts of alcohol with. Maybe the alcohol had made me forget or the cholesterol I had picked up from the pancakes. I tried to remember if he walked with a bounce, or whether his head bobbed when he talked. I tried to remember his smile. Did he have his teeth close together or wide apart? I know I had once kissed that mouth but for all the strength in me, I could not remember what his mouth looked like. His hands...i think I liked his hands. I think I thought they were his best feature. Were his fingers long? Was his hand shake firm? Why couldn't I pick up those details in my mind? Weren't these the kind of things I was supposed to hold onto forever?

As I tried to place his face and remember his voice, I was drawn to so many others. People who were meant to be forever. People I had shared my life with, my time, my heart. People I thought were the cradle of my soul. I wondered what they were doing. I wondered if they remembered me. If I was more than a passing ship in their sea of life. If they still saw things that reminded them of me. It was as awkward a thought as it was sad. That we could give so much of each other just so as to move on quickly. Without a second look back. Leaving behind life, love, lessons and all. Sometimes even leaving behind our hearts.

I wish I could hold on to every memory, every moment that made me smile, made me laugh, made me think. Of every person that my heart once knew. But I forget. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to hold on to everything. Sometimes, I hold on to nothing at all. It scares me and somehow strangely comforts me how much I try but also how much I forget.