Shamefully Knowing

Sometimes I am ashamed of myself. Or more correctly ashamed by myself. Ashamed of things I have let be done to me by others. Of the things I have let myself do to me. I am ashamed by the thoughts that I have had of others and especially of myself. I am terribly ashamed of the person I let myself become. Knowingly and unknowingly. I am ashamed that I let myself down. It's very easy to blame other people for your misfortunes, for your character and your warped personality, blame others for the person you have become. But it takes a changed kind of mind to examine the wrong you have done to yourself. The things you could have done to stop life from getting out of control. Times you should have said NO to yourself. But more importantly, times you should have said YES!!It's a painful change, a shameful change but sometimes its an important change.

As I finally stood still in the silence of my mind, stood quietly listening to my body, listening to my soul, I realized that in my quest to forgive the world around me, I neglected to forgive the world within me. I forgot to forgive, the times I broke my heart, I turned away from the times I talked badly about my abilities, I ignored the times I told myself I wasn't good enough, or strong enough, or just not enough. I reflected on the fear that I have haboured. Fear of the truth, of knowing who I truly could become, if I only let the noises in my head be silent. I blew the dust of the books of my dreams. I wiped down the desk on which I wrote down my thoughts and filtered my words. I quietly straightened out the ideas I had had over the years and declared incompetent and thrown in the bin.

I write because I cannot speak. I speak because I cannot feel. The fear to feel for the unknown, listen for the unheard of, reach for the unreachable. I am ashamed because who I truly am, I have suppressed. Suppressed behind closed mind and a faked smile. Locked inside myself is an ashamed woman. A woman I had never allowed myself to see. A woman who would have died in my mind, uncared for, unminded, unattended. Neglected by me. So I finally let the windows open and allowed my shame to be blown over by new life. I let the light into my darkness. No longer afraid to let myself finally see who I really am. Finally see who I truly need to be.

They say "God does not look at the outward appearance." but I am ashamed at what he will see. The parts of me that I leave in tattered clothes while the rest of me thrives in designer chic. The parts of me that live in shades of gray, Maybe 50, maybe more, while I live in a life of colour. I am saddened by the fact that this silence in my mind. The one that knows my inner most secrets cannot be shared with God. Let alone the world. As I look at the mantras I have written on the walls of my mind-Maybe to make me feel better about myself- I worry about what would happen if I let myself heal. If I will survive without the "stronger than you think" words that I hear from other people who may be too broken to say otherwise. But here in my shame. In the depth of my mind, I have come to a point where I can say, "I have wronged myself. I have hurt myself. However, I am tired of me. I need to heal." As I open the windows and let the world in. As I let even God see my shame filled soul. I know I will be fine. Cleaning years of self malice, self destruction and self sabotage will not be easy. But even if I straighten out only one idea, I clean only one dusty thought that needed to be mentioned or leave behind just one cracked window for light to finally sip in, I know I will be that much closer to living without shame.