Friday, March 2, 2012

'Til death?

Do you?

She jolted up on her bed. She was dripping sweat like she had been sleeping in a hot desert. It was raining heavily outside. She couldn't slow down her breath. She looked at the neon light on her bed side stand: 4.03 a.m. Blink; blink; blink, it went. She took in deep breaths. This was never meant to be a scary experience. Weren't they always told it would be the best day in her life. She wiped her face with the back of her hand and slid out of bed. She grabbed her "home sweater" off the edge of the bed and wrapped herself tightly in it.

She headed for the balcony. The air out there should help. She wasn't sure if she was sweating or crying or being rained on. She just knew she was dripping wet. Recurring bad dreams. I am going to have terrible eye bugs in the morning. She thought as she curled up on the seat. Darkness helped her think. Sometimes it helped her go insane. A loud couple stumbled out of their car in the parking. Giggling loudly and telling each other "shhh!" Lean on me and I'll lean on you. She watched them. They seemed happy. Too drunk to feel the rain. They were going to be so sick in the morning. Sick but happy.

She was happy. Wasn't she? She should have been. She should be. Terribly happy infact. But now that she was here, in the dark, watching the air shift around her, she doubted herself. She didn't know who she was, what she wanted. It was like she was living someone else's life. She looked at the moon for a moment, then made her way back in towards the kitchen.

Take this man....

2 Hours to the alarm, 4 hours to the salon, 12 hours to drink with the girls, 36 hours to the man. THE man. The man she had willingly said yes to. In tears and euphoria on the staircase landing 6 months ago. Smiling like an idiot, she remembered calling everyone in a flurry of emotions. She loved him. Sometimes desperately even. But as she stood there stirring her cocoa on a cold night, she wondered if he knew this girl he claimed to loved. She was nice enough. She was funny, pretty, charismatic even. But who was she kidding, he had only seen the best parts of her. Maybe sometimes she didn't shave and there were that embarrassing moment she had coughed on him with food in her mouth, but she was careful around him. Her mother had once told her men are fragile and she took it to heart.

How would he handle the real her? The broken, messed up, nagging her. The one she had forced down for the last 3 years. The one who forgets to make the bed, eats bread in bed, wears a terribly old t-shirt to bed. They were about to have 50 more years and she was about to subject him to the worst parts of her. Maybe she shouldn't have said yes that day. Maybe she should have saved him from a lifetime of shock and horror. What did he see in her anyway? She poured the cocoa into the sink without drinking it.

To be your lawfully wedded husband....

Lawfully? he he wedded? perhaps husband? The poor bastard. In 36 hours, he won't be able to run away. She needed to cool down. She dropped her sweater and stood in front of the open freezer. She had been having consistent nightmares for the past week. How could she tell people that she had been having nightmares about a man she claimed to love? About a man to whom she was to bear heirs? Yesterday she had been left at the alter, the day before that, he had come home and asked for his ring back, tonight he was screaming at her to leave and never to come back again.

She placed her head on a pack of cold beef and waited for it to freeze her thoughts. I hope he's handling this better than me. She knew at the back of her mind she should call him. He was the only one who would calm her down at this hour. She looked at the ring on her finger. It was gorgeous. Was that why she had said yes? Was she blinded by bright bling? That sneaky, sneaky man. Although she had to admit, that man could not be faulted for having bad taste. Oh dear! He even had better taste than her. She quietly whimpered into the beef. Who was she fooling? She was going to be terrible at this. She heard the alarm finally ring. Her phone beeped simultaneously. She slammed the fridge door and picked up her sweater.

"Are you ready to love and hold? Morning Sweet."

She smiled. She should stop worrying. He clearly wasn't. Maybe her many messy habits wouldn't be so bad. She jumped into the shower and forgot all about her bad dream.


  1. Love sometimes makes one feel all funny and sometimes not in a good way. On some occasions, my tummy will do the crazy man's cart wheels & I'll go like, "Oh dear, I think I'm going to have the runs." but it's worth it :-)

  2. Its worth it, especially if you get someone who seems to understand. you more than you do.

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