" There are 2 defining moments in a man's life; The day he is born and the day he knows why." Paraphrased from somewhere on the net.
I always thought I knew why I was put on this earth. Get born, pass exams, get a great job, procreate, educate, retire and then go to meet my maker. It sounds quite simple when I write it down. Quite doable. Almost surreal. Until I woke up, smelled the mess that my life was slowly becoming, and realised that I don't want it any more. I don't care much about a scripted life well lived.
One question I always struggle with during interviews was "Who are you?", "Describe to us who you are." It always baffles me. I used to ask people what they usually say. Something that sounds profound but not a lie. (Let's not kid ourselves...very few of us have any depth to be profound.) Do you describe your skill sets(I am well educated and qualified), do you tell them about how you cared for your dead dog until it passed on (I am a caring and thoughtful person), do you talk about your great grandmother who is still going strong (my strong genes will serve your company way into my old age)or do you tell them the truth:
"I am an ambitious disloyal future employee who is only here because your company has better terms and conditions than my previous employer. I am going to lie to you about who I truly am because you give me more money to invest in my own business, your company appearing on my CV also gives me a better chance of moving on up and I like your location. I have never helped another human being other than myself and I do not think that once I make management I will treat my 'inferiors' like human beings. However I will kiss a*se until I achieve what I truly want"
No one wants to hear the truth. But I am tired of telling lies so I struggle to put a smile on my face and answer questions about things I don't care about and talk about who I think they should hire. Another person who probably has the qualities they want but few of which I ever desire to have. Another person out there who is better placed but who did not write soon enough or who is not as well educated or not as well connected.
So I have stopped applying for jobs. At least until I am sure that when I am next asked that question, I will not lie about who I am and why I want to be in that position. It's getting to that point I need to know who I am and why I am. Was this it? This job that seems to be giving me nothing but lifestyle diseases. Where my only ambition is the next pay rise, the next higher paying job, the next impossible employer? So what happens when it comes to a dead end one fine day, will I look back and be pleased by who and what I have become so far.
I have nothing against ambition. Until a couple of months ago, I was a creature driven by nothing but ambition. You not only have to be better than everyone else, but also better than yourself. Isn't that what ambition teaches us....that you should always be better, that you're still not the best you can be? You have not yet bought your ultimate car, you have not yet reached your dream position, you do not live in your dream location. I have started having serious doubts about that school of thought. If I am falling sick now without the "things" I desperately crave for, imagine what it will be like when I finally get them.
Don't get me wrong; I still want that BMW and an address in the hills where I only know my neighbours by stories on the news and articles in the paper. But I am not sure I like what I need to give up for this. That I have to sell my soul, my family and my life to get it. That after all is said and done, I will look back, decades from now and see only toes I've stepped on, children I've disappointed, spouses that have been abandoned and a job that pays me millions.
I am slowly coming to terms that chasing after things and stuff might not be my destiny. That there might be something bigger in store for me. If only I am willing to wait for it. I am at peace with this and I think with the peace that comes with that realisation, I might and probably will find out who I am in society. What my position is truly supposed to be If it is to be a powerful force in society then so be it, if it is not, then I am still good with that. However, I do know one thing, this, right here, where I have to lie daily about who I am, this is not my destiny.
(Bumped across this courtesy of Kandutsie)
In other news, I think I have finally found my song.....tihi!