Ma-feelings

I have been very emotional lately. I don't know why. One minute I'm doing great and then something happens and I'm biting down the tears. There's nothing strange about this if it was happening to someone else. But me, I dont cry. Of course I cry at funerals and should someone break my heart, I will shed a couple of tears to commemorate the event but I never just cry for the sake of it. I will admit thought that I do occasionally cry at Grey's Anatomy.

But I realised it had gotten really bad when suddenly, I started bawling last night after coming home and finding the family had finished the Nyam Chom they had for dinner. I was starving and had explicitly said I was coming home. Now, under normal circumstances this wouldn't be a big deal. But for some reason,I couldn't hold it in. I washed the dishes, walked to my room and cried. I cried because I was hungry and partly because for some strange reason, I felt forgotten. It was terrible. It was unlike me and strange.

Last week, I was silently weeping at my desk for no apparent reason. Just there biting down at my lip and staring hard at my machine hoping no one else notices. I don't know what's going on. I really don't. Maybe its because everyone else's life seems to be moving forward and I feel stuck. Maybe its because alot of the people I love or really like are leaving and it feels like they are leaving me. Selfish I know but there has to be reason to this madness. Maybe all my repressed emotions are fighting to finally get out. I don't know.

As such I've been unable to psyche up for anything. I'm doing stuff because its being done. No excitement, no dramatics, just an emotional woman who is slightly lost in her world. I don't hate living life but I don't feel like doing anything either.

It's absolutely terrible. The people who are able to fix such evils are either leaving physically or have left psychologically so I have to wing this by myself. I want to wake up one morning and just smile. No hysterical laughter, no bawling tears, no forced conversations....just a good day. A day like everyone else's. A good day.

I don't know what triggered this but I do hope an antidote is coming soon. Coz there's nothing else left and my lip is getting real tired of being bitten down.