Diary of a broken hearted girl.

"How are you?"
"Good."
"How's it been?"
(fake smile) "Real good!"
"It's been a minute..how's life been treating you?"
"Fantastic. Can't complain."(even faker smile)

How do you tell people that you feel like a stranger in your own life? Like everything you are doing, everything you are saying, feels like it's been done by someone else? I asked God to fix me, you know..like really fix me. So that I can be like all those people around me who seem to be run full throttle with their lives. Like all those people who think the sound of birds singing is exciting and that the sun rising is a miracle in itself. I dread the sun rising and the birds singing irk my very soul. It just means that another day is about to beginning. That another day of faking joy and forcing smiles needs to be lived.

I used to ask God to fix me.Right after I lost the ability to fix myself (I used to be able to fix myself too.) Now I just sit and wait for something to happen. I've lost my asking power. I've lost my perseverance power. I've lost all power. I feel like I have lost everything. I feel like even He is too busy to hear those words stuck in my throat. So I sit and wait for something to happen. Anything really. Is He listening? Is He hearing me? Has anything I've said so far hit home?

My problem is not a job or a man or a car or even a roof over my head. I wish that was my problem. At least that would be a problem with a solution. My problem is me. I am broken. I feel broken. So broken that tears refuse to fall. At least then, I'd be calmer if I could at least cry. At least then, I'd know something was happening.

But nothing is happening. Going through the motions is painful. It feels fake and forced. Like everything I do should be done by someone else. Almost like I got the raw end of my life and I was not even given the simple courtesy of being involved in at the beginning. It's pitiful really. That I cannot find what is wrong. Even after probing and poking. That I cannot even find a proper direction to pursue a solution. Any solution.

I don't want anyone else's life. I don't need anyone else's moments. I just need to be fixed so that I can enjoy the little that I have. So that I can at least look back and see some semblance of peaceful existence in my past.

This is the diary of a broken-hearted girl.