Fear Of the Unknown

First and foremost, mad dedications are sent out to the class of '01. Y'all know yourselves. It was a blast hanging. Strange how so much has changed and yet so much has remained exactly the same. And it is more awesome how far much most of you have achieved.

When I was a kid, I never would have thought that this is the character I would grown up to be. I used to imagine I was a happy long distance truck driver (I think I have mentioned that before!) and I'd have a bundle of dirty, happy kids, a husband who drove a Range Rover and used to fly planes during his free time. That was the life (the one in my head). Now I'm not too sure I like kids....I am slowly warming up and apparently I hear they grow on you-Not in you. I'm also not too sure how much I will warm up to the idea of marriage. Of course I'll have to be asked first to find out how I will react and as for being a long distance truck driver, I am still toying with that idea.

So anyway, yesterday, I told a friend something that threw even me slightly off center. I advice you read the following statement with the same vein it was said- in total and utter shock:

" If he earns enough money and doesn't see the need of me working, I'll just quit. There's no need for both of us to work if it's not necessary. I can just be a housewife"

Me? A housewife? Me, the girl who runs off from the house promptly at 4.45 pm so that I don't have to be tricked into the kitchen. Me, who is grudgingly (ok!my hand was forcefully twisted into it!) working through the long weekend for nothing more than a prayer and a promise of good lunch (Oh! Please Lord, let there be lunch!Amen.). Me, who slowly dies of boredom when I am left doing nothing in the house. Before that moment, I had never ever ever imagined myself as a housewife.

But where 2 or more women gather, there resides the relationship conversation. And since we are at that stage of life where everyone is either getting married or getting pregnant, the conversation eventually led to weddings, marriages and babies. To be or not to be. To submit or to stand your ground forever fight to the bitter end.

If only wedding vows included some phrases

In this day of equality and human rights, the roles of people in the household (both men and women) have become blurry and confused. Children are running their homes with a silver spoon up their immature a*@!s, women are working much, much longer hours (all my friends included-Don't deny it. I know all y'all)and the men have now taken "chips funga and bhajia mentality" to a whole new level. And we wonder why divorce rates are sky rocketing and it's taking everyone eons to get married.

Considering my whole day had been surrounded by marriage talk (We are on a series on marriage in church-I usually avoid these series's but I didn't get the bulletin last week so that I can conveniently avoid it. I was tricked and money was poured and then conveniently misquoted by the media and that is how I consequently ended up going for a relationship series. And early at that!),it got me thinking. Is there something we are eating that is not agreeing with our relationship statuses? We have become so dysfunctional and lost that we seem to have no idea what faithful relationships and happy marriages look like any more. I do not want to end up dysfunctional and lost. I am going to someday be the pillar of some "not too fortunate" household. I will have to be everything to everyone in that house. Confidant, wife, mother, mboch, watchie, gardener and KYM. and still be the freak in bed!!!. Everything that happens within those 4 walls and sometimes out of it will be my sole responsibility. I will have to step out of my Hollywood fantasies and into real life where couples fight and disagree and children slam doors and cry. And still be able to resolve every problem, treat every wound and stroke every ego.

But back to : "To submit or to forever stand my ground and fight to the bitter end"
Rumour has it that Women are the more emotional and stable species. Psychos and stalkers disregarded. We control the power of the mind of all those we interact with. As such, I have a hard time submitting to anyone. What I decide is what goes. With or without support mimi nitaenda where and how I want to go.

However, one of my '01 peeps said something very profound: "Those who are weak and do not know themselves cannot submit!" (I paraphrase from memory).

I have been learning to submit lately. First with the people I see the most and are closest to: My boss and my parents. Nowadays, they know exactly where I am, or at least the general area I am breezing through.(My parents, not my boss) Partly because I need them not to worry and partly because I think God hears all of my mother's prayers;said or unsaid so I am fully protected and safe. It is a small step in the right direction. Being able to share my life with someone else.

I guess my biggest problem with this submission thing is that I am letting someone else define my decisions. Like some sort of parasite that feeds on his food. (And I say that with the most love and consideration I can muster!). I'm letting myself be open and vulnerable to someone else who is just as imperfect as me, if not more. Every plot I want to buy, every investment I need to make, every business idea I think I might venture into, every job I want to quit or apply for. My every major thought has to run through someone else. My every decision has to be discussed and passed like some Act of Parliament. Not so much for a go ahead but so that "we are on the same page".. (Sarcasm not intended!)


My orders shall be cleverly phrased as suggestions

It is a hard pill to swallow, that one.Mostly because I need my decisions made fast, quickly and efficiently. Do I want to submit? No. Do I need to submit? Most probably yes. For his sake, for the kids' sake and for the sake of peaceful, harmonious living relations (in and out of the bedroom!). But I will do it, because I know where my strength lies and because I will know where his weaknesses lie. If my place is to make sure that his weaknesses are not exposed or that I may be there to strengthen them and stroke his ego, then I guess I can eventually learn to maybe, perhaps, put my selfish desires aside for his sake.

His work, his business, his emotions, his well being, his peace of mind, his growth, his strength;it will depend on my ability to submit. On my very conscious decision to put him first. Mind you, as I learnt yesterday, submitting doesn't mean loving myself less....coz hiyo story mimi siwes make! It just mean making space for someone else to thrive. Space for him to love me into submission.

I have nothing against being loved into submission. In fact truth be told, in a couple of days/weeks/months, when I'm ready to love and be loved, I would love nothing more than for a man to treat me so well that all I want to do is grow old washing his toes and ironing his boxers. But truth be told, being a submissive human being is about as scary as that team building thing where intelligent people run across fire chanting. (No pun intended!)

However, should he, after being touched by the devil and being be-witched by very strong Nigerian juju (because that is the only way I can imagine he can do it), become a bastard and do something stupid, I will take every coin out of my secret accounts and bury that man alive into the ground. He will wish that he never even tried. And those threats, I do not make lightly.

In other news, the mountain is finally being faced at the end of the week. Equipment has been gathered, the doctors and quacks have been visited, prayers are still in session by various prayer warriors around the country and the doubting Thomas's and Thomasinas the world over have been summarily dismissed. Wish us luck and safe returns.


Destination :Uhuru Peak Jealous? No?

Merry Christmas Everyone and Many Many Happy Returns!