This far He has brought me.

When I was a kid and leaving in a fairy tale in my head, all I ever wanted to be was a long distance truck driver. I wanted to be that high up above the world driving the most powerful machine on the road. The travel fascinated me and I didn't care that I was a small girl and small girls don't operate heavy machinery. I just really really wanted to be a long distance truck driver. The dream later changed to being a pilot. Probably the travel thing was still a fascination. Eventually, this is what I settled on. An architect with little travel experience and not that exciting a life.

Occasionally when I'm on Waiyaki way and I'm really trying to get away from the trucks that always look like they are about to tip over, I wonder what its like up there (STD statistics not withstanding). I still want to travel. A lot. But now I want to travel for different reasons and I definitely don't want to do it in a truck cabin.

Like my dream job, a lot of things have changed in the couple of decades that I have roamed the earth. Well, roam is a slight stretch so .....in the couple of decades I have watched the world unfold.. Friends have come and gone, I grew up and got hormones, priorities have moved from trucks to academics to business and probably will move right back to trucks, stable reliability has taken over spontaneity and suddenly like I thief in the night I have grown up.

There are people I know now I never thought I'd ever meet and I have lost people I thought I'll grow old with. But such is life. It changes from one moment to the next. Like the wind, you are just never too sure what it will bring. Ideally, life is supposed to be good for the good and bad for the bad and for us who lie in a confused middle, its just supposed to be confused and average. Ideally,we are supposed to wake up knowing what tomorrow will hold. If I work hard today I'll be a millionaire tomorrow, if I hang out in this club, I'll meet people who will re-define my business, if I learn how to cook and clean and put on make-up, I'll be proposed to by 4 random strangers before tomorrow... :D

But I wonder if God knew that I'd be here now writing this. Knowing the people I know, doing the things I do, going to the places I go to. When I was nurturing the impossible dream of driving a 22-wheeler, did He know that this person that I am today was going to be the final outcome. I know about free will (eat the apple if you must but know that consequences shall surely follow). How much of that free will did I exercise and did I make the choices that He needed me to make? Is He even remotely pleased with the woman I have ended up becoming?

I know I'm a big albeit closet advocate for going back to the past and trying to change regrets and things done wrong (I have always wanted to use the word "albeit". and now I'm just wondering whether that was how I was supposed to use it)but I wonder if I'd still end up where I am now. Does our impossible stubbornness really make a difference or does He just want us to think that we are the makers of our destinies while He goes ahead and shapes them for us?

This far He has brought me and I don't doubt He will take me much further. Something that I tend to forget. I am truly blessed even with my endless list of complaints about what should or shouldn't have gone wrong. All my shoulda, coulda, woulda. I have a decent set of friends, I have a place I call home, I have a family less dysfunctional than most, a place I call a workplace and a dream for a future I can hold onto. Maybe I am not the person I thought I would be, maybe I do not have all the things I thought I should have by now but I am only human. I cannot change what I have or who I am. At least not on my own. And truth be told, it is highly unlikely that I would be in a much better place than I am now. If I had my destiny in my own hands, who knows? I'd probably be a sick truck driver with road rage and a sizeable gut.

This far He has brought me, this far He has shaped my dreams. It may not be enough for my over-ambitious mind but it is enough for Him and that's what matters. He has loved me enough not to let me fall. I hope...no, I have faith that He will love me enough to take me much further.