Finally letting go.

I've started writing this article 5 times today. Every sentence seems so blown out of proportion. Like what I'm feeling is exaggerated above and beyond what I'm supposed to be feeling. I'm not an emotional person per se or at least don't go around displaying my emotions on my forehead so when emotion floods in like a broken dam, I get the feeling that I will do something I will regret. Usually I do end up doing regrettable acts. They don't make me feel better or more accomplished but I do feel like I tried to fight back.

There's only one person who throws me off balance and makes me doubt myself. One person who brings out my emotions to their true ultimate. So much so that I prefer to avoid this person like the plague. Or at least as much as I can. Every idea, every move, every thought process always seems to fall slightly short of her expectations. So I usually tell the people who will make me feel good about my "grand" ideas, put flesh on it, offer constructive criticism and then when the plans are solid and ready to roll, I present them to her to see how quickly she can tear them apart. Then I start all over again.

She's a big part of my life and I love her to bits but sometimes even that isn't enough to stop the feeling that I am not quite making the cut. My thoughts on this is that when I came into her life, she quite expected me to be like her. We would share ideals and career talks and principles. I would be everything she was and then some. Unfortunately, no two people are alike. Similar but not alike. The two of us......let's just say the similarity ends with the DNA and melanin content.

We all have people we try to live up to. The Pope, Obama, Mother Teresa, Bill Gates.Everything we do is directed towards that person. Everything that I am or am not is directed towards this person. Every life choice I make and have ever made all boils down to what I think she will think. I may be stubborn but I'm not naturally rebellious. Sometimes the line between the two becomes fuzzy. Eventually I gave up on the line. I will not deny that I have a lot that I owe to her but at some point, I figure I might have to change my focus elsewhere. At least if I intend to make something of myself beyond who I am now.

The self-doubt of everything I do can't be good for my future or my career. Even when there are no complaints, I still feel like there's something that could have been done better. I may be driven by fear but a little less fear wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen to me. Maybe it'll even do me some good.

I think I use her as a crutch though. For my under-achievements. For my fear to follow my ambitions or even discover what those ambitions are. I want to see what could happen without that crutch. Would my life turn out to be that much worse? Will the independence from her that I so desperately desire be my downfall? What if I don't like what I end up finding on the other side? Well I guess I'll never know unless I try.