When I started thinking about writing this article a couple of days back, I had all sorts of funny things lined up. Useless anecdotes and maybe a short piece on the dress and shoes that I was going to wear. It was going to be an entertaining piece and even as I went through it in my mind, I was impressed by myself! Before I go any further, the dress(was a lovely short black and white number that though I may have denied numerous times through out the day, I may have occasionally sat on my butt)
I once told my friend that if I get married, my husband better look like the happiest man alive or I will set him on fire. In this case, the groom looked like he had just won the Nobel prize plus a Pulitzer and then went home and discovered he had just won the presidential elections. That is exactly how every groom should look like. Like he has finally found home. They were quite the pretty couple. Considering it was the first wedding I had attended in quite a while, it was not a bad way to re-introduce myself to the culture of dressing up for an occasion.
But at some point during the evening party, I stood on the balcony and looked in at all those people dancing and screaming and for the first time in a long time, my fears came to the surface. Suddenly I couldn't breath, I couldn't think and all I wanted to do was crawl under a rock and disappear for awhile.Suddenly I felt like I was all alone in the world. That is not a good feeling by all standards. I was standing and laughing and listening to the most hilarious people I had met in a long time and all I could feel inside was a certain emptiness I couldn't explain even to myself.
My greatest fear I think is growing old alone and as I stood there screaming to "single ladies" I wondered if I was going to be that "cool yet sad" aunt who always had other people's kids at her house over school holidays and no one else the rest of the year. I kept feeling like everyone was going to leave the singles club until the only one left screaming to that song is me. And I think I know people well enough to know that quite a number of them will go down sooner and faster than they think.
I know I'm a bit young to be thinking about such nonsense but I can't help it. It's not that I have a particularly dark past as far as relationships are concerned or I have a history of terrifying and cruel men, it's just that I felt like that part of me that allowed me to feel that kind of thing kinda died and no matter how I try or which way I look, I can't seem to feel anything much. And on Saturday night, it sent me into a spiral of fear I couldn't control. For the first time I admitted to myself that this,running and screaming and being happy like a crazy person, may never happen for me.
I wanted to go back and change my life, do everything differently, start afresh, say things differently, react differently and just be different from who I turned out to be. Maybe I wouldn't be spiraling uncontrollably to my own feelings of self doom. Maybe I'd have someone to drive me with me at night, to help me exercise my back on Saturday mornings, to go with me for "Inception" and even to tell random facts that I keep reading in random magazines in the salon. For the first time in a long time, I needed to just be weak.
Maybe that's what I need. To block out everything for awhile. Go into a "media blackout" of sorts until the fears subside. Then I can return strong again and drive myself in the dark. No fear. Start everything from scratch. Say things like I should have, do things like I would have, react like I was supposed to. Like a friend told me this morning "Maybe it wouldn't be too bad to start over!"