Bent and Broken

I am in pain today. My back feels like it wants to leave my body and start a life of its own, my stomach feels like it's being pulled apart with pliers, my muscles just don't fair too well in bad weather and my fever's just bubbling under the surface waiting to explode. Don't feel bad. It's just part of my cold weather program. My body and I have accepted to live in painful existence for 2 months a year every year.

But that's not the bent and broken I'm talking about today. I'm talking about the bent broken that no one quite gets to see. The bent and broken that you are when you are in the comfort of your own room, in the solitude of your own darkness. Alot of us, infact I can bet all of us have a dark place where we lock up all the disappointments and the regrets we can't or won't deal with. I have more than one place. My dark places are marked graves that will one day make me millions.

As you have probably figured by now, I like wallowing in a space of darkness but there are a bunch of bubbly people on the streets who can't seem to help but smile at the world and walk around with a little bag of sunshine to spread to the world. I don't get them and I prefer to avoid them all together. Not because they make me wish I was like them but because I keep wondering what kind of energy is required to jump and down like that all day.It's physically exhausting to watch. I like dark people. They understand life my way.

But I envy these bright and shiny people just a little bit sometimes. They are easy to please, easy to read, life is all sunshiny and bright and when they want to retreat internally, they have a happy place with meadows and yellow flowers and distractingly blue skies. (When I retreat, I'm surrounded by burgundy leather interiors, wooden dashboards and revving V12 engines. Pure Bliss) Every so often, I want to live that life so for 2 months in the year, not usually following each other and rarely even full months, I wear my new persona and walk around with my pocket full of sunshine or at least a brightly lit torch.

It's usually not too bad but I am bent and broken and fortunately for me, I like it. I like being dark and broody. I think it suits me. Of all the bad things I carry around with me, this is the one that I like the most and want to keep. If you don't like it, you, like the cold weather, will have to wait for your 2 months a year to get your handful of sunshine from me.