The 5 Stages

Today I'm going to go abit dark on all y'all. Mainly because the last thing I watched last night was Grey's Anatomy. Something I should probably avoid in future. And that series has a way of magnifying my emotions. Yesterday's episode was all about dealing with grief. Grief is not only experienced when you lose a loved one. Although it is when we deal with the most grief. But it is generally experienced when someone feels they've lost something that meant alot to them. Whether its a great job, a friend flying out indefinitely, divorce, a lost pen. The sense of loss is always felt. The stages are always the same.

According to the all knowing Grey's and the ever truthful google the stages are as follows:
Denial-Anger-Desperation-Depression-Acceptance.

I have never lost anyone close to me and I am grateful everyday when I wake up and everyone I love is intact. But I have lost something close to me. A few years ago, I lost total faith in myself. I lost my sense of purpose. I know it doesn't sound like much but before then I had successfully predicted the direction my life would take with uncanny ability but up until now, I still feel abit dazed by how life is unfolding.

Depression:This is the stage I am in right now as I write this. I feel like something important died inside. I couldn't care less about my education, my job, my future. The only reason, I wake up and go to work is because I hate being broke. The only reason I still go to class is because I hate failing. I lie to people that I'm going home to read and then I promptly fall asleep the minute I enter the house. It feels like I'm in a noiseless vacuum walking in slow motion while everyone else is just wheezing past me at lightning speed. I think for me this is the scariest stage yet because moving on to the next stage will mean admitting defeat. Admitting that I have lost my purpose in life.

Eventually I will have to take that leap into the unknown. Probably take a trip to a wartorn part of Somali 50km west of Kakuma and go discover myself while gunfire keeps me up at night. Hopefully by the time I'm done, I'll be ready to take over the world.

Everyone grieves different at their own pace and prepares themselves for the next stage in their own style. Some do it in the bar, some go to discover themselves in the wilderness, some in the crowds, some through their work. I personally prefer doing it in my room, amongst my clutter and other unimportant things.

It's hard but life has to move on so with the last words of yesterday's episode: "The grief washes over you over and over again and every single time, it'll make you lose your breath" until it doesn't!