"I may not know you any more, maybe I never did. But I do know me.And I think that's more important right now." She let out a heavy sigh. Her hand trembled. As a writer, words used to come easily. But this time round, it felt like she had never written before. She looked around the room one last time, threw her pen into her bag and walked out of the house. In a few short steps, her heels would never be heard on the polished wooden floors again. She closed the bedroom door behind her while dragging her 3 suitcases behind her. The beauty of this apartment had faded over time, just like the love and the smiles. But it didn't matter now. Her phone rang. It was time.
Almost a lifetime ago, she had met the most charming man in a bar near her office. She was pretty and intelligent, he was witty and well-mannered. Hard to imagine that those smiling faces were the same faces that grunted at each other all day long. She couldn't remember the last conversation they had ever had or the last event they had ever attended together. It didn't pain her as it should have, it just saddened her. There was no where for pain to fit into her life. Not any more. They'd drained it all. With their sedentary lives.
She'd taken the day off work to do this, to pack and compose herself. She remembered waking up yesterday and knowing that undoubtedly, she needed to leave. She needed to go. Her time here had ended.
They weren't fighting loudly like the couple downstairs. They didn't even answer each other rudely or insult each other in public. He never hit her and she could never complain that she lacked anything. From the outside looking in, she was in the best relationship that money....and life...could buy. But she was not happy. She was a shell of her former self. She was beaten and withered inside. She barely smiled, barely spoke and could barely remember what she had been when it all began.
She had wanted to marry him once. A long time ago. Before they had decided to
"consolidate their belongings" , before the silence and the cold. Before the late nights they both pulled in the office. Before the money. She had waited with bated breath as 2 years turned into 4 and then turned into forever. She had bought furniture that would match with their joy. She had shopped for curtains while searching for wedding fabrics, she had bought plates that would serve his parents and considered electronics that they would use into their old age. She journalled so that when the time came to quote to her grandchildren about her life, she would not...
never...forget. Now it just seemed silly.
She turned her power heels one last time to close the mahogany door into her dead life forever. She had made sure to leave food in the microwave, the beer was chilled, his laundry was well folded, his suit for tomorrow, laid out just right. She had ensured the shoes were polished and the TV was ready to PVR the Euro's incase he got in late from work or wherever. She had done every single chore just right. Then she had left the note in his night stand. He'd see it when he was removing his watch and his wallet. He was a creature of habit so she was sure exactly what time he would get it.
They had stopped talking to each other a long time ago. She never knew what was going on in his life any more that he knew what was going on in hers. They ran their relationship like a well oiled machine. She did the house shopping and wrote half the cheque for the mortgage. He paid the bills and had a standing order for the cars. She knew he liked to eat fish on Friday after a drink with the boys and she ensured it was ready, he knew she hang out with girls on Saturdays and so sorted his food and could walk around naked until she came stumbling in. They tried not to be in the house at the same time. It was awkward. He slept on his side of the bed and she slept on hers. Short of having different sheets, they were technically on different beds. They never discussed each other to other people and as a silent unwritten rule, they had never gossiped about other people. So now they never spoke. Other than the family events,
and even then it had become rare, they never went anywhere together. Just 2 ships sailing the open lonely waters.
So as she got out of the lift and walked quietly across the lobby, she wasn't heavy hearted. She was just transitioning. To another level in her life. A place where she could learn to smile and experience new things and understand love. A love that spoke back and laughed and inquired with concern. She was sure he would feel the same.
Well, almost sure. She left her life behind and her furniture and her mortgage and took with her; her heart instead. As she entered her car and revved it, she leaned back and closed her eyes and let her mind relive her relationship one last time. Re-live the good and the bad. Re-live the happy and the sad. For one last time, she let her eyes tear and finally forgave her heart and his for letting them drift this far apart. Then she put her car in gear and drove off to find herself. The phone, yes, she had to pick up the phone.
Almost a lifetime ago, she had met the most charming man in a bar near her office. She was pretty and intelligent, he was witty and well-mannered. Hard to imagine that those smiling faces were the same faces that grunted at each other all day long. She couldn't remember the last conversation they had ever had or the last event they had ever attended together. It didn't pain her as it should have, it just saddened her. There was no where for pain to fit into her life. Not any more. They'd drained it all. With their sedentary lives.
She'd taken the day off work to do this, to pack and compose herself. She remembered waking up yesterday and knowing that undoubtedly, she needed to leave. She needed to go. Her time here had ended.
They weren't fighting loudly like the couple downstairs. They didn't even answer each other rudely or insult each other in public. He never hit her and she could never complain that she lacked anything. From the outside looking in, she was in the best relationship that money....and life...could buy. But she was not happy. She was a shell of her former self. She was beaten and withered inside. She barely smiled, barely spoke and could barely remember what she had been when it all began.
She had wanted to marry him once. A long time ago. Before they had decided to "consolidate their belongings" , before the silence and the cold. Before the late nights they both pulled in the office. Before the money. She had waited with bated breath as 2 years turned into 4 and then turned into forever. She had bought furniture that would match with their joy. She had shopped for curtains while searching for wedding fabrics, she had bought plates that would serve his parents and considered electronics that they would use into their old age. She journalled so that when the time came to quote to her grandchildren about her life, she would not...never...forget. Now it just seemed silly.
She turned her power heels one last time to close the mahogany door into her dead life forever. She had made sure to leave food in the microwave, the beer was chilled, his laundry was well folded, his suit for tomorrow, laid out just right. She had ensured the shoes were polished and the TV was ready to PVR the Euro's incase he got in late from work or wherever. She had done every single chore just right. Then she had left the note in his night stand. He'd see it when he was removing his watch and his wallet. He was a creature of habit so she was sure exactly what time he would get it.
They had stopped talking to each other a long time ago. She never knew what was going on in his life any more that he knew what was going on in hers. They ran their relationship like a well oiled machine. She did the house shopping and wrote half the cheque for the mortgage. He paid the bills and had a standing order for the cars. She knew he liked to eat fish on Friday after a drink with the boys and she ensured it was ready, he knew she hang out with girls on Saturdays and so sorted his food and could walk around naked until she came stumbling in. They tried not to be in the house at the same time. It was awkward. He slept on his side of the bed and she slept on hers. Short of having different sheets, they were technically on different beds. They never discussed each other to other people and as a silent unwritten rule, they had never gossiped about other people. So now they never spoke. Other than the family events,and even then it had become rare, they never went anywhere together. Just 2 ships sailing the open lonely waters.
So as she got out of the lift and walked quietly across the lobby, she wasn't heavy hearted. She was just transitioning. To another level in her life. A place where she could learn to smile and experience new things and understand love. A love that spoke back and laughed and inquired with concern. She was sure he would feel the same. Well, almost sure. She left her life behind and her furniture and her mortgage and took with her; her heart instead. As she entered her car and revved it, she leaned back and closed her eyes and let her mind relive her relationship one last time. Re-live the good and the bad. Re-live the happy and the sad. For one last time, she let her eyes tear and finally forgave her heart and his for letting them drift this far apart. Then she put her car in gear and drove off to find herself. The phone, yes, she had to pick up the phone.
No comments:
Post a Comment