Live, or Die trying

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!” -Hunter S. Thompson, "Gonzo"

We lost a friend. By 'we', I mean a whole bunch of us. He was one of those. He knew alot of people and alot more people knew hm. I hadn't seen him in years. He moved towns, then we chatted for abit after that and then it fizzled out. But his stories, told by people who actually kept in touch, wereare legendary. He ate life with a big spoon. Sometimes not the right meal, or even from the right plate, or even in the right restaurant, but eat he did. There are people you meet who instantly make your day. You probably, like me and my friend, meet once in a millenia, but you feel like life is a little more worth living after that. He is, unfortunately, not the only person of that nature who has left a larger than life hole and he will not be the last. The stories come through all the time. Quietly, without warning, someone so alive, skids broadside in a cloud of smoke into a grave, and leaves us to our dreary, rules ridden lives. We weep for a day, maybe a few months and then we forget. We forget and go back to life as we knew it. Complaining at every turn about things we could change, crying about things that shouldn't matter and screaming about things we can't change. Then someone else has to go and then cycle repeats itself. And no change ever occurs.

I don't blame humanity for its forgetfulness. Because, we cannot be sad forever, trying to hold on to the legacy of the greats. We can't live through other people forever. But we can improve and purpose to stay improved. We can increase the size of our spoons slightly, reach out a little bit further, see something different just once, clean out a bad habit a little bit. Just one small thing. One tiny thing. Lately I have been mildly obsessed fascinated with experiencing different things, wanting to travel to new places, having new experiences, experimenting with new cooking skills, etc, (mostly I just read on them) so I have been combing the internet for Kenyans who are doing awesome stuff, pushing their limits and what not.

http://www.expeditioneverest.org/ <<-- This guy who is going to be the first Kenyan EVER to do Everest. And for a good cause too. He is doing it for Sanitation in Kibera (dubbed: Toilet Hackers. Do Epic Shit). Wouldn't you want to just disappear and go to the most quiet place in the world. Just you, your thoughts and the most brutal terrain in the most brutal conditions. Imagine the stories....and the toilets. E.P.I.C http://www.thekenyanexplorer.com/ <<-- This one here is going to South America for one and half months, just because she can. She wants to explore the world on a shoe string budget with her belongings on her back. She has apparently done Europe and loved it so much, she immediately started planning south America. Oh, she has also written a book. (I saw it on the website)What talent of yours have you explored lately?!! Have you let someone else see it?! Such a shame. http://jubileeride2013.org/ <<-- Then there were these 7 'not particularly young' men who went to South Africa and back on motor bike for 50 days to sponsor 50 children through 4 years of High School. They took a big leap to do what they love and got invited to State House for it. And from what I gathered, to almost every embassy, along the way.... Have you met the president by just living your life? Well, have you? https://www.facebook.com/Africa2Brazil?fref=ts << -- Then there's my friend's fiance who is currently on a 200 day road trip to Brazil. His logic....he loved Brazil when he lived there and Africa is now officially home so the trip by road to the world cup was the most ideal way for him to pay tribute to his 2 favourite places. He is now hanging out with eagle hunters in Mongolia. Some people see these things on TV and, some take themselves to Mongolia

The more I feel like I need to live a little more, the more I realise people are living a little more everywhere. The friend who left her job and is now exploring Scandanavia. (The 2 events were quite unrelated!Lucky how things fall into place) Her photos show nothing but pure joy. The friends who start businesses and put everything they have in them but the kitchen sink.The ones who lose everything and rise like phoenixes to ridiculously great heights, the ones who pursue their talents,one tiny step at a time. But the thing about these people who truly live their lives, is that their lives are not full of complaints and pessimism. If it can be visualised, it can be done. Find a solution or move on. Don't dwell and drag everyone down with you. Whether it is hitting on the hot girl in the club, or planning a larger than life trip or just trying out new food or a new place for the first time....anything is possible.

So maybe, as I preach oceans of water, I will take a small sip of wine and go home and watch TV and read some more on epic people. (rumour has it, a small start-up just sold for $19B. I think I will read about that) Well, because I am not yet ready for my big spoon moment and have no idea how to hold a spoon that big. O_O But I don't want to reach the end and have regrets about things I should have done, opportunities I should have pursued, people I should have forgiven or loved or left.... Life only comes once, so Let yourself be a little happier. Do something you really enjoy at least once every so often. why not live life.....or die trying

My one absolute truth

I have been saved a long time. Well, not very long...Almost 3 years now (2 years, 10 months, 16 days to be exact). I know it doesn't show a lot in my day to day living but I am. In those 3 years since I took my literal leap of faith, a whole deal in my life has changed. Internally mostly, externally.....well, I did put on kilograms like I haven't before in my life. Here is why....I am an incessant worrior. Or rather I was. I worried about everything. I worry about my future, my past, my friends' past,my neighbours' cats, the global financial crush, the state of the ice in Antarctica, will I drown in it before I freeze over? was the movie 2012 and WallStreet based on true events? Where would that leave me? When I worried, I never ate, so I became this little skinny thing. I loved the flat stomach, but truthfully, I didn't love much else.

As I looked back 'not-to-fondly' on my 2013 and looked even less fondly at the 'not-so-flat-stomach", I realised, I have become quite a happy human being. And for a few moments it confused me. I had never known myself to be just happy. Ever. Last year, being unpredictable as it was, I barely worried about anything. With the slow but sure growth into my trust in God, I had slowly but surely learnt to give up my worries to Him....almost completely and He covered me every step of the way. I figured it was time for someone else to carry the worries of the world off my shoulders. I was not Obama or Oprah. I could not even love and protest like Eric Wainana. So I let it go. Most of it at least. Well at least 50% of it. I did enter 2014 with financially much less than I had as I entered 2013 but I entered 2014 knowing with one absolute truth that 2 years 10 months and 16 days ago, I made the most honest and truthful step in my life. I made a decision that was over and above who I was.

So here is my absolute truth for my decade 2014-2024 (when I shall be celebrating my 30th 10th anniversary ), my God lives and He loves me absolutely. Everything else in my life is a variation of that truth. My family, my friends, my career, myself are all variations of that. Even when I am at my worst...and many many times, I am at my worst... He has shown me that he is reliable, trustworthy and truthful. All of me has now just started accepting that truth.

So what do I expect of 2014...That I will be able to surrender everything, every plan, every thought and every decision to God. I am a slow learner (it has taken me 3 years to get here) but there is hope for us all and it is a hope I am willing to hold onto in 2014. I shall walk in that absolute truth or at least I shall try my best.

The 3 Little Piggies

A children story is told of the 3 little pigs who were running away from the big bad wolf. For reasons only known to the three little pigs, maybe family in-fightings or ethnic discord, they decided that instead of building one strong house, they shall build 3 different houses. If you have read the story you know that other than 3 houses being hopelessly expensive (but of course maybe the pigs came from wealth), 2 pigs ended up losing their lives and the last one lived a snobbish life in the brick suburbs. Here's the story of my 3 little pigs.

1st little pig: He who refused to go back to his house of straw: So a few months ago, I declared the end of my dating drought. It had been 2 years plus since I had gone off and discovered myself, I was now happy, I liked my life and I was ready to take this new me to the next level. So, I jockingly call a friend and announce my new decision to come back to the world. It wasn't meant to be anything serious really but my friend was attending some office drink up near my place. Best foot put forward, face oiled to a vaseline shine, I was stepping out. In retrospect, I should probably not have put on that vaseline since it attracted the fast-talking piggie from the house of straw. He seemed pretty decent, had a face only a mother and a handful of women could love but he was quite decently tall. But whatever I was drinking thought it could overlook little annoying things....like the fact that he always talked over me, that he had a very short chin line etc etc. Blame the dim lighting and the secondary smoke, but I let him crash over at my place. The next morning, I shower, dress up, run errands, come back and this little piggie was still asleep. I really should have taken him seriously when he said "You know I once cashed at my cousin's for 4 days".Which grown man does that? After much probing, I got him out and realised that this will not do. It will not do at all. His story continues shortly though..........

2nd little pig: He who built his house with sticks of lies: A few weeks later of listening to the pig that hurried my conversations, came this little piggie and boy, was he a cute little piggie. Painted by the very hand of God himself. We are not all created equally people. This was the gene pool mother load. Why he has not considered a career in modelling is beyond me. He would mint a fortune. He is quite brilliant too, but he talked sooo slowly but it was cool, at least he was funny. After weeks of talking everyday and not meeting, one sunny Sunday morning, he called and said, he shall be coming over. I was like surely it can't be any worse than the first little pig. He came and he was almost too pretty to look at. It started well enough. We hang out, we talked, we flirted. Then came the constant dodginess. We always hang out at my place (I used to drop him off at a busstop), I got called at very specific times, we were talking about me alot (contrary to popular belief, talking continously about myself makes me a tad uncomfortable). The red flag was up, my 6th sense soldiers were saluting and putting their guns on the ready. When he became overly dodgy, he eventually told me there is a woman somewhere. I picked up my bag and quietly closed the door behind me. If there was a woman, then he's just a bastard. If there wasn't, then he is a bastard and a liar. I felt slightly disrespected. We talk sometimes,say hi sometimes, even wished each other a merry christmas, but I took apart his house and made firewood. A fire is the most reliable source of warmth, or so I hear.

........Back to piggie number 1: Let's burn this house down: So a few weeks into house of lies, I saw piggie number 1 crossing the street. Courtesy told me to call and check up on him. Courtesy should have been on leave that day. After exchanging pleasantries, I hang up and continued living my sedentary life. That evening Mr. short chin calls and says he is waaay to drunk to drive home, could he come over and crash on the couch. I am not stupid to think he really meant he wanted to sleep but courtesy being on overdrive that day, I say why not. And anyway, who wants the blood of a drunk driving accident on her hands? 5 minutes later, he walks in and yes he was drunk as a skunk. This little piggie cannot sleep on the coouch/this little piggie cannot sleep on the floor/this little piggie cannot sleep in the guest bedroom. Not with the door locked, and not with the door open. This little piggie was screaming out for his blood to be spilled by the Nyeri woman. Hours later, I make sure he's settled in on the couch asleep and I go to bed. A few hours after that, I feel something climb into MY bed. The nyeri woman had been woken up and she was not well pleased. She huffed and she puffed AND SHE BURNT THAT HOUSE DOWN!! and she was well pleased.

3rd little pig: He who is at the kiln burning bricks: After a few days of deep, relaxing breathing, motivational talks and wondering why I had decided to rejoin this shameless world. I was doing so well by myself. The only stress I got was from me, the only lies I heard were my own. Then came this lovely little foreign piggie. And now this little foreign pig is sneaking his way as I try to sweep away the ashes of his 2 unfortunate friends.I can feel him bringing in brick by painstaking brick. Although I have to admit, it's nice not to have to worry too much about things. It's a comfortable existence so far and I am enjoying it. I know he's pretending to help me sweep while all the while he builds his brick house around me but...oh well!YOLO!!! He may not have enough mortar to build, he may decide to bring down the house himself and carry his bricks away. I may just end up being who I am and burn the house down but I do wish him all the best in his endevours and *secretly I do wish he doesn't have any strange habits so that he can keep me safe from the cruel world a little longer* the big bad wolf said in a whisper.

The lessons I have learnt in the years since I decided to self discover, and the very short experience of dating is: I can only have solid brick layers in my life. I don't want collectors of sticks and straws. I cannot deal with that particular brand of weakness.... I really just can't.

7 Habits of a highly effective me

“ The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money. ” — Anonymous

Today I woke up to an article on the 13 things successful people DO NOT do. I have been struggling with my own definition of success for a while. After I made a decision that money is not the most important thing in the world, it started becoming increasingly elusive. Almost an "up your face" move by the money gods. For shame money gods, For shame!!! I have been going through a period of how best to redefine the importance and maybe more importantly the role money should play in my life. In the past few months, I have even begun reading on success stories, blogs, talks and such. Really listening and understanding their stories and their failures and their eventual successes. Lessons learnt, what they would have done differently and other etc's. I am still out there living frugalously (is that a word!o_O) and counting my pennies. But to be honest, I came across these safari rally guys in Voi on a Thursday and the only thing I could think was "I want to do whatever I want to do with my life when I'm 40. I don't want to be counting pennies and living frugulously." Move over money gods,I'm a girl on a mission. Now that I am well on my way to some sort of emotional health, it is time to work on my financial freedom.

So, some of the things this inciteful article told me about wildly effective and successful people is: They don't spend countless hours feeling sorry for themselves, they don't waste time fearing change, they do not worry about things they cant control (lost luggage, traffic, other people...especially other people), they do not make the same mistake over and over again,they do not resent other people's success among other tings.

I am still very far from an even semi-decent idea on how I am even going to go about this but I am leaps and bounds from where I started from. Maybe not financially, but definitely psychologically. I admire those people who wake up in the morning and purposefully buy the paper to check the stock market and read the business inserts. I buy my newspaper for the Andy Capp cartoon (I know. I am very ashamed.) But mentally, I have began shifting. If my country is celebrating its Jubilee, I should also be singing from the roof tops on what I have achieved. Not standing on the sidelines waving a tired flag, watching other people's successes and being all snooty hippie about the non importance of money. I want to go for a safari rally on a Thursday dammit.

I know that money is not the definition of success but there are some things I have always believed I will have in my older age that cannot be bought by cowrie shells and beads collected during my moments of meditation by a barely clean Nairobi river. So, with this new mind set, I have embarked on "The 7 habits of a highly effective person":

Habit 1: Be Proactive. Take initiative in life by realizing that your decisions (and how they align with life's principles) are the primary determining factor for effectiveness in your life. Take responsibility for your choices and the consequences that follow.

So after a rather fatal financial blow and a stint of self pity, I am back in business,albeit cautiously....very cautiously...but back nonetheless. I have licked my wounds,I have had a strong talk with my business operandi and given them many disappointed looks. Onward Christian soldiers,we shall march on. Proactively. But the biggest reason,I have decided to continue is because I really like what I do and life had gotten a bit empty and quiet since I stopped. Yes we shall march on.

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind. Self-discover and clarify your deeply important character values and life goals. Envision the ideal characteristics for each of your various roles and relationships in life.

I have the whole plan in mind and I have decided to dedicate this month to writing it down somewhere on a piece of paper and I shall put this valuable paper where I keep important documents like my birth certificate and log book (technically, I just give things to my parents and they keep them somewhere....but I know for a fact, they never get lost.) Write the goal down and plan the trip there. :-) And then pray hard. On your knees and prostate on the ground and loudly then get to work.

Habit 3: Put First Things First. A manager must manage his own person. Personally. And managers should implement activities that aim to reach the second habit. Covey says that rule two is the mental creation; rule three is the physical creation.

What are my priorities. Financial freedom, other people's welfares, to tell people I am rich,what, what woman?!! This must be the hardest habit for me to pick up. My mind gets so easily derailed and discouraged. And though this may take all of my time,I shall achieve. First things first,you say...so be it.*waves determined finger in the air*

Habit 4: Think Win-Win. Genuinely strive for mutually beneficial solutions or agreements in your relationships. Value and respect people by understanding a "win" for all is ultimately a better long-term resolution than if only one person in the situation had got his way.

THIS.IS.SPARTA. That is all.

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood. Use empathic listening to be genuinely influenced by a person, which compels them to reciprocate the listening and take an open mind to being influenced by you. This creates an atmosphere of caring, and positive problem solving.

It is easy to assume that I am always right. Though this may be the case,sometimes, it is good to understand that other people's opinions and knowledge are just as important. Self importance makes for a lonely life.

Habit 6: Synergize. Combine the strengths of people through positive teamwork, so as to achieve goals no one person could have done alone.

As the saying goes,no man is an island,much as he may try. Finding people who can not only do things I can't, but also strengthen my weaknesses is bound to make me a better person I think. They keep saying it in those wedding type shows so I guess it must be true for all the other parts of life. Come on life,let's make a great team.

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw Balance and renew your resources, energy, and health to create a sustainable, long-term, effective lifestyle. It primarily emphasizes exercise for physical renewal, prayer and good reading for mental renewal. It also mentions service to society for spiritual renewal.

Yeah. What the book said.

5 degrees of separation

Like all other losses in life, when a relationship is over and done with, the "lefted" person goes through some form of withdrawal anxiety or stages of separation. The "leftee" however, walks away in pure ignorance. Well, not always.....actually they know exactly what they have done. So no excuses there. I experienced this, for what felt like the first time again, a few weeks ago with this chap who I seemed to have a secret relationship with. So secret infact was this relationship, that I didn't know of its existence, until, well, a few weeks ago. So, before I could say "Say what now.." to the said chap, he went into a rambling of sorts and I got to experience what it feels like to go through what I now call, the 5 stages of separation, in 10 minutes or less. It was a strange experience at best and a very, very uncomfortable, ridiculous experience that I would not want to go through again. However, I would like to assure the general public that it is apparently a normal reaction among the human race to go through these stages and also to run away when someone starts reacting this way.

1. Denial and Isolation: The first reaction on learning that a perceived love will not be returned is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions and it is unimaginable that the other half does not feel the same. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. Statements such as "I know we can work this out and you could love me if you give me a chance" can be heard from grown men who eat their opponents for lunch in board rooms. Other tell tale signs are "No one will ever love you like I do". "He'll roam everywhere but he will still come back to me." Stalker like tendencies may be spotted during this period. The person you once knew transforms into a sneaking, begging hobo. Usually the saddest stage.

2. Anger: As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear off, the reality and the pain re-emerge. The "lefted" is not ready. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family but in most cases, it is deflected to the "leftee". Rationally, the person knows it is not entirely the fault of the leftee. Maybe 98% but never 100%. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us even if it was a toxic relationship. The strangest thing about this stage is the guilt that keeps sneaking in at the most inopportune times. One minute, "How could you do this to me? Do you know how many women I had to fight off for you?" is quickly followed by "I'm sorry babe, I never meant to throw that plate at you. I will be a better person. You make me a better person" Showers shall not be taken, hair shall not be combed, foam shall froth from mouths and bucketloads of tears will be seen in the open streets. Beware of any person in the anger stage. This stage cannot be rushed. The "lefted" is grieving and it will take anything from a few seconds to decades.

3. Bargaining: This is the "if only" stage. Maybe she likes a guy with an earring, a girl who doesn't wear weaves, I should wear higher shoes, I should have been a robot and loved video games and football and porn, I should watch more Sandra Bullock. If only ... If only ... If only ... You will start noticing subtle changes. The earring, the punk haircut, the natural hair, excessive exercising,a longing stare at a game of "whatever rubbish people are playing now" . They are quietly hoping that when they meet up, the "leftee" will see what they have been missing all along. Oh, and they'll be alot of hanging out at the "leftee" joints. The clubs, near the office, at the friend's...... The stalker tendencies return with a vengeance. A strong vengeance!!! Be afraid, be very afraid.

4. Depression: Two types of depression are associated with dumping. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the actual loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. They worry about that they will never be loved again, that it may be too late to heal, and many other irrational thoughts like that. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is the quiet preparation to separate and say goodbye so they bury themselves in work, rebounds, hobbies, alcohol, anything to get away from the feeling of pain. Alot of wrong decisions will take place here. Unwanted diseases may be caught, rebounds will be picked up and dropped off, too much work will be done, if you're lucky though, you may get a much needed promotion at work.

5. Acceptance: Reaching this stage is a gift not afforded to everyone. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace BUT very few people reach the point of forgiveness and moving on. Better people are met in this stage, genuine smiles can be seen, the "lefted" no longer look so lefted anymore. They are willing to take the good and the bad and move on to better things.

Jar os Hearts - Christina Perri

This is 30!!!

Disclaimer: This is not a very well thought out post. That said, here goes:

Here are some things I thought I would have a achieved by 30: 1. a big salary that would buy me a large farmhouse in the suburbs and a large car to take me there. 2. a couple of big degrees that would make me relevant to everyone in the human race.....and I do mean everyone. Children, old people, watchman.... 3. a hot and handy husband and a bunch of well behaved children that adore every single breath I take.

Of course this was my dream when I was 10...and maybe 25 but very little has changed from the big dream and most of it still remains a dream. Most of it has however been readjusted to accommodate the stark reality that I have come to live with..... and with it the question "Is this what you wanted to be when you grow up?"

In a couple of days, I switch over to the big 3-0. I am officially all grown up. No excuses, no dilly dallying, no procrastinating. I am supposed to have caught up with alot of my dream by now. THIS IS 30. (include a spartan kick into a dark well of nothingness and forgotten dreams). I wanted to be brilliant at everything and just be straightening up some few rough edges and sought after by the world and sitting on Oprah's couch giving life inspiring advice to less than important natives. I'm sure there are some 30 year olds out there doing remarkable and amazing things but from where I stand, most people are like me....wondering through the 30 year old mark wondering if this is it. If this is what we went to school for and practiced for hours for and went through the heartbreaks for.

I am personally not a big fan of my birthday. Most years I prefer that it gets eaten up in a blur by other more important days. I don't have anything against the day of my birth other than a deep reminder that another year has passed and I'm barely making my way through the muddle that is my life. Years just seem to be sneaking past me while I'm still preparing to live. It freaks me out that another decade will come and go and I'll still be like "wha...whe....huh!" So in that same spirit, I drove myself into a panic attack yesterday that got me walking out of a conference and making it half way home before my legs gave in and I had to get into a jav. I was in distress, I was scared, I was panicking. I cursed for all of the one hour, 10min of that walk.My brain was screaming profanities at me. I thought quarter life crisis was a state of mind and not the disease like event that I was experiencing. This year brought with it a stronger distaste in my mouth than ever before. I am grown people, and it is not as exciting as I pictured it. I am not flying the skies nor has Oprah been to see me once this year. I still have hope though. I have some very important things to tell her.

But all panic notwithstanding, in retrospect, life has not been too mean to me. I cannot sit and say that I have achieved absolutely nothing...at all. I have friends and family that I love and who hopefully love me back. I have developed a grace for handling difficult situations (I call it diplomatic avoidance. It is much better than the running away I have been doing in the past). I have climbed Mt. Kenya and Kilimanjaro and other fun things like that, I have learnt a lot about handling relationships and even more about what I want from them and I realised that this little lesson was very very important. Maybe the most important of them all. I have started understanding what are the important things in life. I know this will sound super cliche, but God, family and friends in that order, make life worth living. More, in some days than others. Money took a distant 6th place.... (I ranked them)

There are blunders that I continue to make.....with surprising frequency if I do say so myself, but they do not compare to the joy I get from telling the story to people who will appreciate the humour of it all. And they do bring me down a necessary notch or 12. So anything new from me as I celebrate another decade? probably not. Life shall continue as is. This is the year of no resolutions. Live and let live. I do not intend to expect too much of myself this year. The pressure doesn't seem worth it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am not going to sit around and wait for the world to eat me alive, no! I will just not hold myself responsible when things don't work out like I want them to. I do not intend to apologise for things I cannot change. I want to take my ambitions down from their high unapproachable horse and just enjoy life for a year and see what happens. Test to see if the world will fall off its axis if I don't plan how every single moment will turn out. Let the chips fall where they may. I have been addicted to ambition and achievements so far but now I say:

Happy birthday self! This year will be the most epic yet! :D And another favourite this year: Daughtry - Waiting for Superman

My daughter

A few people I know have gotten the previledge of getting daughters. Part of their flesh and blood. A continuation of the legacy that was passed onto them by their parents and their parents' parents. I have also had the pleasure of listening to fathers talk about their daughters. The pride they have in their voices just make me want to give that pleasure to a special, deserving man out there. It makes me want to have a daughter.

My family is not particularly fond of bringing forth girls to the world. The women drop boys in quick succession and then hopefully, somewhere in the flurry, a little gem of pink shall squeeze through shyly into the world. I was one of the few flurries of pink that overcame. (hail the princess.......enough!!)So talking as a daughter to parents who I hope speak of me with pride in the streets. In fact, I hope they stop strangers on the street and tell them about my general awesomeness and beauty. I want to let another little girl come onto the world and know that everything will be alright. That her mum and dad will be there for her and no matter what, she can be anything, anywhere in the world.

I want a daughter who I can torture into learning to prepare edible food because my mother ensured that I shall not starve when left by myself and neither of course will the boys, her husband included. My mother expected only the best of me and still does. To push myself to a place only I can, to go to places only I can and to be grateful for every step I take in the right direction. I want my daughter to learn all these things and much more. I want a daughter who I can pass on my Nyeri roots and genes to. A girl who does not understand the meaning of nonsense and mediocrity. A girl with a personality of gold. I really don't care whether she is like me or not, I just want her to know that it is alright to be who she is and to make no apologies for who she is.

But most of all, I want a daughter who will have a father like mine. A man who will have such high standards that nothing but the best men shall be accepted into her life. That she shall judge all men with a haughty disposition because she understands what a good man ought to be. A father who carries her high up on his shoulders and listens to her amble on about her dreams. I want her to sit with her father for hours and discuss things that are important and mundane because she should never fear a man, least of all her father. I want her to be friends with the one man who will protect her from everything humanly possible and teach her how to protect herself. A man who will teach her how to be stronger than breaking hearts and immature men. Bigger than insecure bosses and weak bullies who have nothing better to do in life. A man who will teach her to fear no one but God.

"A son is a son till he gets a wife; a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life." - Unknown

I want a daughter who will teach us everything in this world that we have refused to learn. Like responsibility and accommodation and forgiveness. Because if the rumours are true, and my personal experience is anything to go by, she shall push each and every sore button that I have and then some. A girl who will teach me about the change in fashion and gossip loudly about boys when she thinks I'm not listening. I want a daughter I can take for shopping so that I can choose for her clothes that she will never wear. I want a daughter who will teach me how to take risks and walk on the edge. Who will make me protective to a point of delirium. I will buy a gun, or at least a machete which I will be sharpening occasionally. And then I shall give it to her father who shall carry it around menacingly every time a boy visits. I shall be asking of his ill intentions through the grill door and I shall embarrass my daughter every chance I get. Because that's what mothers who love their daughters do.

But being the little pink peg in a field of blues, I also want a bus load of boys because which mother doesn't want unconditional love from her me. Many boys of my own who will protect my little girl when I am not there. Who will understand the lingo of the day and scare every idiotic boy who shows his ill mannered upbringing and makes lop sided advancements to my baby. Boys who will drive her to her wedding, pick her up from the airport (or the hospital when she doesn't want me to know), stand awkwardly around her awkwardly when she cries (or throws up) and threaten to kill anybody who hurts her. But especially, to teach her about life in ways I never could. A daughter who will have everything she could ever ask for. Who will feel protected and loved and provided for.

That daughter of mine shall be one heck of a lucky girl.

Snippets and advicements

As I approach another decade in my life, I have started putting alot of things in perspective. Life does change over time. It gets better, it gets worse but t changes. And how I react to the changes will determine my future....alot. So now I am more patient, I listen more (I was always quiet but I can't say that I ever really listened), I am less worried abut weight fluctuations, I am more content with the changes, work or otherwise. Anyway, in my quest for good, day to day advice, I came across a facebook page that had the most interesting advice I had heard in a while. Sometimes you get into a page and 2 minutes later regret it. But on rare occassions, you land on a page that actually teaches you something. So here are a few pieces of grand wisdom. I read it for a couple of hours. Its nice to hear real life experiences. They are not out to teach you anything,just to tell their story. Eventually, it makes you feel better. Like you can survive anything.

"If you could give one piece of advice to a large group of people, what would it be?" "Try your best to deal with life without medicating yourself." "You mean drugs?" "I mean drugs, food, shopping, money, whatever. I ain't judging anybody, either. I was hooked on heroin for years. But now I've learned that every feeling will pass if you give it time. And if you learn to deal with your feelings, they'll pass by faster each time. So don't rush to cover them up, or you're never gonna learn." "Two of my friends committed suicide in a four month span. So I packed my bags and moved to the city, where I ran out of money, then got hit by a bus. Sometimes God slows you down. Sometimes he pumps the brakes." "If you could give one piece of advice to a large group of people, what would it be?" "Enjoy it while it lasts." "What's something you wish you'd enjoyed more while it lasted?" "Raising my kids. I mean, they turned out well. So I raised them well in that sense. But I was always working. Even on a lot of weekends, I was working. When I was coming up, that's what the man was expected to do." "If you had spent more time with your family, do you think you'd regret not having progressed as far in your career?" ".... no." "I moved here because there was a lot I didn't like about myself in Pennsylvania. I knew everybody. And everyone knew me. I wanted a chance to not know anybody. And I wanted a chance for nobody to know me." "I grew up in foster care. My family was given money to spend on me, but they spent it all on themselves. I first got into fashion because I had to learn to make all my own clothes." "What was the happiest moment of your life?" "Europe in the summer of 1959." "What happened there?" "I was nineteen. I'd just lost 100 pounds and had a whole new set of clothes. I toured Paris and Rome and everyone was paying me so much attention. They were even asking for my photograph! Of course inside I still felt like an awkward, overweight girl. It was all so overwhelming and wonderful!" "Why'd you go to Europe?" "To have sex, of course. And I did! I was the first in my whole group of friends. I came home and told everyone that I'd done it with a charming Frenchman. In reality it was some creepy dude from Chicago." "It was very tough at first. Moving to a new country is like being born all over again. You are just like a baby. You can't speak, you can't move around, and you don't know the culture." "What's your greatest struggle right now?" "Imposed insecurity." "What does that mean?" "I spend a lot of time worrying about changes in things that I have no control over. Medicare, Social Security, things like that. I worry about my ability to grow old with dignity. They keep talking about cutting this, and taking that away. They shouldn't be springing that stuff on my generation. We did everything we were told to do. Spring that on a generation that has time to plan for it." "If you could give one piece of advice to a large group of people, what would it be?" "Dare to be square in a round world. But don't steal that, it's copyrighted." "I lived in Poland, so we were persecuted from the first day of the war. First they took us from our home, then they put us in a ghetto, then they made us march, then they sent us to the camps. I was separated from everyone, but my brother later told me that my father froze to death. But I have children now, and grandchildren, and great grandchildren-- a great big family, all of them educated. Look at everything that came from just one person who escaped. Just goes to show that you can never kill a people with hate. There will always be someone left to carry on." "I was a special education teacher." "Do you remember a specific moment in your career when you felt like you made the biggest difference?" "Actually, I do. I was in Philadelphia, and teaching a class of children with IQ's between 50 and 80. Shortly into the school year, one of the class members dropped out, and the school replaced him with a new boy. So this little boy named David shows up at my classroom door, and I let him into the class, but I couldn't understand a word he was saying. For weeks, I couldn't make out a word. Luckily there was one girl in the class who could understand him, so she would translate everything for me. Then one day, I looked up from my desk, and noticed David reading a book on the floor. I knew that no 6 year old with an IQ below 80 was reading a book, so I walked up to him, and without saying a word, I closed the book. He looked up at me and screamed: 'Fuck you!' I was so happy that he'd said something I could understand that I picked him up and kissed him. We learned that he had a cleft palate, which we found a doctor to fix for free, and by the time I left the school, he was moving along just fine." "What's the most your life has ever been changed by an unexpected event?" "Probably when I lost my job, which led to a divorce." "How did a job loss lead to a divorce?" "A lot can be covered over by routine. So when there's a shock to the system, underlying fault lines and fissures can really open up." "You're either a good person or a bad person. It doesn't matter what color or what religion you are. You're good. Or you're bad."

And just to prove you can never please everyone: "My father was a very good man, but he had a lot of shortcomings. He was very singularly focused. He was an expert mason so he was very good at laying bricks. But he wouldn't apply his energies to anything else. I was very good with my hands too, but I was always wanting to try new things. But he'd always discourage me from attempting anything other than my field of study. I resented him for it." "How were you a different father to your children?" "I encouraged my children to try everything. So much so that they resented me for it."

Love for the 'Successful' woman ?

Out of the exhaustion that is today, I decided to do something I never do.......I took one of those online tests that show your destructive love cycles or whatever. I figured, since I'm clearly not beating men off me with a stick, it would be nice to hear another person's opinion of what is going on. The voice I decided to choose was: "Love for Successful Women". Seeing as I am a moderately successful woman(I haven't died of starvation yet, so that should count as some sort of success!), this counted as a place I could seek wisdom and great advice from an oracle that could not look down on me with judgement but quietly chastise me from a distance for my bad decisions. So I took a 2 minute test (its always a 2 minute test, they never count the bathroom breaks, the minutes you spend trying to interpret what they could possibly be asking, or the lies you are trying to hide so that you can get a great score.) I scored a confusing 52 out of an even more arbitrary 100. I was inexplicably pleased with myself because my upbringing taught me that 50 is an acceptable passing grade. So here are a few things that my test revealed to me in a well written .pdf form that they sent to me afterwards.

The Externally Motivated Operating System (EMOS) is running your love life. EMOS may look like this — trying to change aspects about your partner; talking often to your friends and family about your problems and asking what they would do; blaming what happens on someone or something else instead of taking responsibility; not feeling fulfilled. Since you tend to be motivated by external factors, EMOS tends to make your relationship about everyone and everything else and not about you.

Well, I always thought I was a fairly selfish person in relationships. But I guess I could always try to be motivated by other external factors other than myself. But the one thing that they did get right though is that I have a hard time taking responsibilities in relationships. Why carry the blame, when there is 7 billion people, furniture, nature and the increasingly volatile economy to blame. Blame yourself only as a last resort.

You’d like change to happen outside of you. You’re hoping your partner will change and then maybe you’ll change. You tend to react rather than respond.

Again I repeat, why carry the responsibility yourself.....hmmmm! But seriously though, this did make me think about how I handle myself around relationships. I sometimes do get a little lazy and that may not be very tactful or even helpful.

You’re apt to hold tightly to a concept of how things should be. This means trying to control aspects of your relationship and partner to fit what you know and what you’re comfortable with. When you can’t control things, you’re left feeling uncertain, frustrated, upset, dejected, stressed and hopeless at times. This causes you to question and not trust yourself, your partner and your relationship with him.

This is mostly true. 'Bad girl Neemo. very bad girl' Slaps self on wrist. This may be contradictory from the statement above but I am a very complex human being. Approach with caution.

If you want to change your habitual ways of thinking and being in love relationships, find someone who is already successful in the kind of love relationship you want. This will take you to love in a more direct and graceful way.

Is this woman/website/nerd advocating for me to go steal someone's man. *gasp* How dare? I think I have quite a bunch of friends who are in successful relationships so at least I am heading in the right direction or at least looking at it. However, I don't think I would like to hunt down their boyfriends for advice. EEEW! For shame website, For dear shame!!! * waves disappointed finger* Then the woman on the other side of the internet, gave some invaluable advice at the end:

How ready are you to find true love? Your readiness level depends on how receptive you are to:  Take responsibility for your actions and behaviors.  Look within yourself and do the inner work.  Work through barriers knowing that there is not a quick fix.  Be courageous.

And then some more sensible words of wisdom after giving me her contacts (very efficient these ones):

1.Assessment Assess your past and current relationship patterns, how you show up in your relationships (i.e. role, behaviors, actions, etc.), relationship role models. Think about the type of partners you tend to attract and their common traits, expectations you have from your partner and relationship. What are your fears about love? How do you sabotage yourself and you relationships? What is your communication style? What have you tried so far to find true love? 2. Desired Outcome Define your ideal love relationship and expectations. Think about whom you want to become and what you want to be doing. Describe your ideal partner. Explain how you want to communicate, relate and feel. 3.Potential Barriers Identify obstacles (i.e. behaviors, thoughts, patterns, environment, things) that have kept you and could keep you from true love. For each obstacle, determine positive and productive ways to work around them. 4. Design a Winning Strategy and Action Plan Develop a strategy and plan based on how best to move forward. Be super clear about your desired relationship and partner. Determine sustainable ways to move forward after understanding the root causes that are holding you back.Develop recurring behaviors and activities that can be leveraged into becoming your authentic self. Create supportive and sustainable internal and external environments. Practice, reassess and readjust - repeat

And there you have it folks, my love relationship status in a few short words. I could use it as a CV to show just how much I have grown. I shall definitely strive to improve. PRACTICE, REASSESS, REPEAT.REPEAT.REPEAT.... deep breath. what I'm listening to now....

Why I want to get married

Like every single woman in the world, and yes, I do mean the whole entire world, I have no idea what marriage means, looks like or feels like. Alot of what I think marriage looks like is wishful thinking. . So with that disclaimer out of the way, I shall start my single wishful thinking.

I have been on a dating hiatus for a while now. It feels like a decade ago when I actually had some sought of giddy feeling about a member of the male species. The danger of being in one of these hiatus things, is that it gets to a point where: a) You get too comfortable being by yourself. So much so that personal appearance takes some sort of back burner. Not that I'm a slob, but it doesn't bother me any more that I have nothing great to wear, or that I have postponed the salon 2 weeks in a row, or even that I dont have a decent pair of shoes left in my wardrobe. I just live and let live. b) You forget how to date or any part of the dating process (pre-, during and post- dating process). You forget how to flirt, how to drink, how to eat, what to say, how to kiss, touch, argue. The hustle seems to over whelming. You even forget how to read the signs....you know, those signs which tell you a guy is likely to be into you ....yeah, those signs. Those signs that you are supposed to respond to so that you can get yourself taken for a nice meal.

I did not actually realise this until a couple of weeks ago, I was looking for someone to take me for a little procedure at a hospital which happens to be across town and after no little amount of scrolling of the phone book,had to ask my poor mother to re-arrange her day for my little excursion. I thought it was ridiculous that I had to drive to my mum's so that she can drive me back to my place then back to her place afterwards. I felt strangely exposed by that. I had to endure my mother nursing me back to health under her close eye of scrutiny. Surely there must be an easier way of doing this. So I decided, with no small amount of thought to it, that it may be time for me to get back onto that bandwagon. Appropriate shoes shall be acquired, the baggy clothing and kaftans shall be benched and proper language of dating shall be carefully studied and understood. I'm back people. *shouts the girl in her faded tracks in the sitting room* I'm coming out.

Anyway, back to the story at hand. Why I want to get married. 1. I am a lazy shopper especially if I realise I shall not die without a particular item, like a kettle, or clothes, or a bed. I need some sort of purpose to buy certain items. I think a husband would give me some sort of purpose to buy things that are perceivably important. It may even stop me from coming up with excuses of why onions are not an important ingredient in food or why shaving is not a necessary process in grooming.

2. I have eaten the same meal for 5 days now....5 DAYS. My housemate cooked on Sunday and since we eat in small quantities or not at all, I am still struggling to clear the potatoes. I am bored out of my mind, but my mama told me, we do not throw away food. Now, if there was an unsuspecting food-pit wandering in the house, I could have had spaghetti on Tuesday and Ugali on Wednesday and I would be eating something wonderfully different today. Not potatoes and chicken that seem to miraculously multiply . 3. I am a huge movie buff and I have wanted to go for a million movies in the last couple of years but I've only managed a couple. Reason? My peeps, my passe, ma hommies don't sit around waiting for me to come up with great ideas of how I want to waste away my evenings. They have their own lives. (and going to the movies alone makes one look terribly lonely). Now, a husband may not entirely solve my cinema going problem, but he would definitely reduce it significantly. Companionship is everything at the cinema.

4. Nothing beats complaining about your day to someone who has no choice but to listen to you. He is of course allowed to give advice, to some extent. It's also nice to discuss big decisions with someone else. Changing jobs, careers, tattoos, neighbours, businesses, investments etc. But when I have a particularly horrid day, especially those that I really don't want to talk about, it would be nice to have someone to go home to.

5. It would be nice to have someone who drives and actually enjoys it. Someone who can reverse, parallel park, doesn't shake uncontrollably when the speedometer goes past 120kph, knows where to put water for the wipers, and can tell what is under that big pan like looking thing under the bonnet. Also someoene who can change tires, knows the smell of leaking oil, enjoys chilling at the car wash, understands how to interpret a japanese car manual, can set the radio ....... I'm fine staying home cooking, if he is willing to take the car to the garage and wait for it for 3 hours. 6. Going out is a trial for me nowadays. I like to nap for a while before I go out in the evening for anything. Even dinner. With my heavy dislike of driving at night, I always wake up and decide its not worth the effort. It sure would be nice to have someone who lives in my direction who can occasionally be bullied into my schedule and drive me after my nap. 7. The wedding dress. I'm not big on the elaborate weddings with a multitude of flowers and maids and people I wouldn't know from Adam. I, however, have an unhealthy obsession with the dress I shall wear on the day. I think I have thought about the dress more than any other part of that wedding, including the husband. If that dress could transform into a human being, I would probably,most definitely marry it. My mother who believes in no skin being shown to anyone at any time will hate it. I am not wearing it to annoy her but the dress in my mind is so fabulous, I don't mind showing a little classy skin.....it is the absolute. Now, seeing as people will think me bat shit for wearing it on a sunny Wednesday afternoon, a husband may be help put things in perspective.

sema Vera Wang 8. My absolute fear is growing old alone. I never imagine myself having to live out the rest of my life alone. Living in an apartment where I shall be eating the same meal for 4 days in a row, have no one to go home to....but most of all, I am afraid that I will never experience absolute love and commitment, whether for a man or a child, whichever comes first. I think my life would be a little sad and there is a part f me that will regret never knowing what that would feel like. I'd like to state for the record, tha if a year from now, I am still alone....it is probably because I was too lazy to wake up from my nap.

#Facepalm

So here I have been all my life minding my own business, then this shows up on my inbox (twice, a week apart).....

BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been? In case u dont know who this is its ME Adriana.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and then I think u deleted me :( haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things to tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up about 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR U.. lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3 cousins too but i cant chill with them lol.. I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even help me move my shit in...are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui was soo confused...anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and take me out so u better be around bebe... we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know u better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt tell u cause i wasnt single lol...ok so more info about me.. well im 23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named BOO and i luv her to death... uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all that.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt.. I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i get there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and arent married yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there.. do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a bar or osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current job is fun and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i did? hmm shud i......???? ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat with people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like i figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play with myself heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need help once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....like i said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol.. ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives each of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like everyone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY USE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER... i figured u cud always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room... if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUST U... im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :( I really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work.. i really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my stress about the move... REALLY i mean that....anyways once i see u in insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me now days.. if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hopign to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha...k babe im out for now... chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana

(Note: I have changed none of the text and the views of Adrianna do not reflect in any way to my own personal views)

His obscure love story

He came in every Thursday evening. Sat at the exact same spot. A little because of comfort but mostly because it was his best vantage point. From the stool at the corner of the dark bar. He loved looking at her, he loved her laughter,he loved the sound of her, he was slightly obsessed with her. He kept to himself on Thursday night. Everyone thought he worked late on Thursday. Since he did not like working through his weekends, or so they thought. Today, she was wearing a short black skirt. Her legs seemed to go on forever. He loved days like today, when his imagination could roam to unsanitary places. He wondered for a moment if she had thought it strange that he always came alone, every Thursday, sat at the same spot. She must be used to it by now, he was sure. Who wouldn't want to just stare at her for hours. She was stunning. Her hair flowing thick like a horse mane. Yeah, very clever, old chap. Never repeat that to anyone. He smiled at himself as he thought. He knew with almost certainty, that there was real man in her life. Either that or she had very many male relatives. He envied them. The men who could successfully take this woman home. He watched her come towards him, bottle in hand. "Hey you. Thought I'd find you here. How was your week?" She asked him, her eyes dancing like an excited child. "Better now that I've seen you." She smiled indulgently and encouraged him to continue. She chatted him up for another 10 minutes before moving on. Enjoying the view from behind almost as much as he did from the front. She would be back he was sure. He had so much to tell her today. If he was lucky tonight, he might be the last man standing. He plotted in his mind as he sipped on the drink she had so lovingly poured. Tonight would be the night, he mused....

Ring, ring.....Dammit. "Hey babe, can you pass by the Chemist on your way. Toto is sick." Damn reality. He gulped down his drink, gave her back one last longing look. It was time to go home.

Signature

My colleague at work thinks I could be robbed blind. He thinks my signature is too simple. too predictable. I have had the same signature since I was 18. I have never wanted to change it. That would take too much time plus I can do it in my sleep (which should probably not be my reason for pride). But my signature has become a part of me.I could change it. But I don't want to.

We become the people we ourselves, have molded. The world may have an impact on who you become but ultimately, the choice remains in your hands. You become the person you deserve. The person you have accepted to be. If you do not want to change for the better, then you don't have to. However, you cannot blame the world for being a bad person, a mean person, a disliked person. Just like my easy-to-steal signature, you can change at any time. It may not be a walk in the park but it has happened. If politicians can become Nobel Peace prize winners and alleged political criminals can transform to beloved heroes, then what makes anyone think that their behaviour and personality are cast in stone. Are those people more human than you? Is there something that they know that you don't?

Change where you dot the i's and cross the t's. draw the f's a little longer and add a squiggly on the g's and slowly, your signature will change. Change what you don't like and replace it with what you like. So subtly, so slowly, and one day, you shall look in the mirror, and you'll be amazed at how different you've become from when you began.

Forever Grateful :-)

Every so often, I sit back and reflect on things that matter. Like myself and occasionally, other people who matter to me and a little (and I am ashamed by this) about my God. This weekend was one of those weekends. I hang out with myself. I mostly napped and watched the children from the hood playing and ate a little and thought a lot. I switched off my data, left my phone in bed....to snooze, curled up on the couch, pretended to read, pretended to flip channels for a while, pretended to listen to music,pretended to cook then eventually went for a long walk that totally killed my glutes (after a walk that long, I now have a rough idea what glutes are......and ham strings). For 48 hours, I was going to sit down with me and enjoy who I was. (sorry, commercial break) This weekend got me appreciating a great deal of things that God has brought my way. I wanted to scream 'Hallelujah, praise Jesus' at many, many times over those 48 hours. So here are a few thoughts and things that I am very appreciative for. 1. My family: Being the only girl in an all boy band comes with various perks. They know all the good drinks in all the good places. They eat anything and everything so you never have a problem of food going to waste. They have cute friends that you can stare at when you are feeling blue. And...this is an important one, no matter how you react, they have only your mother to compare you to, so you are always safe. My parents are that couple who have been broken by their children's antics so they have become increasingly prayerful over the years. For their daily prayers, I am forever grateful. I have no idea what evil those prayers got me out of. And still are. 2. My friends: Try having no friends and you will appreciate the value of the dysfunctional relationships you have. There are people out there who know the colour of my tears, who have seen me drool in my sleep, probably heard me fart (highly unlikely, but the probability is there), continued to love me when my hair was 'fire engine' red, kept me company when I was the most boring human being in existence, heard my snort-laugh. Then there are those who make fun of me, know my weaknesses and tag at them until they become strengths, get my foolishness and appreciate my blondness. I may not talk to them everyday, but when I do, its the best day in the world. 3. My God: Give credit where it's due and Big Popa upstairs is really where all credit in my life is due. I have stopped worrying about things too much. He taught me that. I sometimes get worried I'll miss the office bus to work, then I whisper a small, hurried but very scared prayer and bam! He comes through. Or I think my cash won't make it through the month, then a debtor comes through or a job appears or I forget to eat for a couple of days. There are also a lot of big prayers I have prayed over the years, when I didn't really believe that prayers got answered. A lot of them are starting to be answered. Slowly, I am starting to believe in how great He is. Then I started praying for smaller things, and being grateful for even smaller ones. It's amazing how much I didn't notice was happening when I wasn't looking. The littlest things nowadays send me into bursts of joy. It's beautiful I tell you. 4. Myself: Well, it wouldn't be a ME weekend, without appreciating me. Appreciating who I have become, how far I have come. You know when people say "You are stronger than you think"? It helps to believe them. I did not know how much I was capable of doing, of taking, of feeling. It has taken me a journey to get to where I am, and I am glad I held on...although barely. I am glad I can look back and appreciate myself for who I am. I don't ask too much of myself any more. I appreciate my limits and I also know when to challenge them. I sleep when I need to, I shut up when I'm required to ( sometimes ;-). And something new I have discovered........ I can now give and accept compliments (Feel free to compliment me today.) and not feel too ashamed about it. So should anyone ask where I am................... I am right here feeling happy about nothing in particular.

Cheap Thrills

Sometimes I do amuse myself. I shall be the first to admit that life sometimes does get overwhelmingly boring. You eat the same thing, work on the same things and life goes quietly along with no sort of humdrum whatsoever. So occasionally, and these moments are usually quite abrupt, I go out of my way to amuse myself. Just me. The other day, I had decided to take a me day. My phone was off which was no fault of mine. I was also dressed slightly like a hobo, again no fault of mine. So off to town I go to run errands and put my affairs in order. Right in front of me is this girl in a gorgeous mini. It was quite. Colour blocked and slightly short for a working day. But it was a me day. I was not out to judge or think of anyone but myself. Coincidentally, we were both undecided as to where to go and turned to the same street at the same time. That is when it came to me. Today is gonna be a good day. So there I am, slightly presentable and super focused on my purpose. Stalking this well dressed confused girl through town. So I followed her. Close enough for her to actually think she was being followed but far enough for her not to be too sure. So down one street we went. On the second street she started like really rushing. Like in a panic. Her legs were twisting on her heels. She was starting to do a girly creep run-jog. I also decided to quicken my steps. I was committed to the cause. It may not have been a noble cause but hey! About 2 more streets down, she finally cautiously looked behind. I almost hissed "I know what you did!!" but I didn't. I looked at her directly in the eye and then abruptly changed direction. And off my merry way I went to get my toes did. Those 15 minutes may not have been a useful way to spend my time but I enjoyed every second of it. Now I can cross 'Be a Private Investigator' off my bucket list.