A small note for men!

My premise of living is that "life is supposed to be simple." Love, live, life. I'm no expert but I think God didn't intend for us to over-complicate our lives. I was at a training last week where one of the speaker kept emphasising "Less is more and simple is complex". (by Ludwig Mies van der Rohe) The reason this is important is because we are so used to complicated and intense that we find it hard to just be "simple". To try and not over-think our lives and our situations. To do what we need to do, to be free in body, soul and mind. Our biggest complications though are made in the confines of a relationship. Any relationship. Between spouses, lovers, friends, parents and children. Somehow, it takes alot of time (too much time in my opinion) to get to that point where we can simplify and accept things for what they are. We find it so hard to simplify even the smallest situations.

I had the opportunity of listening to Simon Mbevi (Pst)on Saturday evening and he said that rang truer to me than a lot of self help books and ill advice have given me over the year. I will share with you what a man said about relationships. Because after all, every man needs to here it from another man on how to treat a woman before it sinks in. According to his vast research, he found out that most people need 3 things to have healthy relationships. a) Love (preferably unconditional) b) Identity c) Affirmation

Now, from my personal observation and experience, men are usually the biggest burdens that women carry. Men that they love, are especially a thorn on their sides. Their fathers, first love, bosses, siblings. For most, it seems the more a woman loves them, the more the man are determined to prove otherwise. I'm not saying all men are all bad all the time, but for most men, at one point along their way to manhood, hurt one woman so badly, she defined all her future relationships by the standards he left behind. Sometimes, it is not their fault. Wrong has known to be done out of ignorance. But as they grow up from boys to men, you would expect some basic rules to be apparent. This brings me back to Simplicity and the basics of a healthy relationship. If you think critically on those 3 rules, you will see how simple it is to make a woman happy forever.

a) (Unconditional) Love: Mbevi said "whether a woman wants to get married or not, every woman was born with a deep desire to be loved for who she is" I put unconditional in brackets because if we are true to ourselves, we know that we do not date or marry demi-gods, we date massively flawed human beings. Almost as massively flawed as we are. So it would be idiotic to expect unconditional love from them. They may claim it even sing it at the rooftops but we do end up doing things that push that 'unconditional love' to 'conditional dislike'. Even we, as women can't love someone unconditionally. However, we can try to overlook some patterns and flaws that may never change. According to wikipedia:

"Love is an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment. Love is also a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection; and 'the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another'. Love may also be described as actions towards others or oneself based on compassion, or as actions towards others based on affection."

If you think about it, you never knowingly hurt someone you truly love. You want the best for them, the best for their future. Ignoring them for days, kicking them when they are down, beating them, insulting them in public, does not constitute love. If we are to go with the simplicity of what love should be, we should listen to that chapter that is read over and over in all weddings. We should internalise it.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13

Think about it, the next time you are wondering why your woman is bringing you headaches, examine yourself, are you truly loving her. Are the things you are doing displaying the kind of love you want her passing to your children or her future children? Because believe it or not, how a woman acts is s reflection of your actions towards her.

b)Identity: My biology teacher in high school, when she was giving us tips on how to pass exams told us, that to understand anything, you must first start with its definition.

So what is "Identity" - the distinctive character belonging to any given individual, or shared by all members of a particular social category or group.

With this is mind, a vast majority of people describe themselves by their identity. "I am an engineer, IT specialist, writer, nani's daughter, whoever's friend." ; "I am someone because other people can identify me." We hang out with the cool kids so that 'cool' becomes our identity. We go to the 'uptown' places because that is where we want our identity to lie. No man is an island, and less so for a woman. Women hate being islands, much as they isolate themselves from time to time. One of the biggest identities that women hold onto is being "a man's someone". Someone's legit someone. I am yet to meet a clande who introduce's herself as " john, Jim or Jose's clande". They always say "I'm his girlfriend." If a woman does not know what her identity is as far as a relationship lies, it goes without saying that some day, she will tire and move on to find 'her identity'. Because, sad is it may sound, women value that identity. The fact that they belong is very important. In Steve Harvey's book, 'Act like a lady, Think like a man', he emphasises on the importance of "professing". If a man doesn't profess where a woman lies, then it is time for her to rethink her strategy. So, men, a woman is not nagging you because she is a nag....she just needs to know where she lies as far as you are concerned. This is an important lesson. If everything you are doing is behind closed doors, then there's no way in hell, that you are in a happy relationship. The woman finally ends up being fed up. If you created that devil, deal with it.

c)Appreciate: There's this scene from the movie, 'The Help' where the nanny makes the child repeat. "You is smart, you is kind, you is important" We seek appreciation for who we are, from a very young age. We want someone to recognise who we are. You would be lying if you have never wanted some kind of recognition for your efforts. Whether its at work, at home, in a sports field, wherever. We all need cheer leaders in our lives. People who tell us that we are on the right track, that we didn't make a mistake in our decisions. Your significant other, when you decide that is what they are, needs to be your biggest fan and most objective critic. It's what they are supposed to do. Not some times, not when the sun is shining, not when the winter is turning into spring.....but ALL THE TIME. Nothing expresses love and identity like having someone at your corner. Men are told over and over to tell the women in their lives that they are beautiful, they are kind and they are important. If you break her enough with your words (or in this case your silence), with your deeds and misdeeds, you will lose that woman you once knew. A woman who sparkled and lit the room with her mere presence. When you burn that light, you rarely ever get it back. Not doing or saying anything is as bad, if not worse, than going to the other extreme of putting her down for who she is. It doesn't need to be everyday, but every so often, you should look your woman in the face and tell her "You is is smart, you is kind, you is important.". Sometimes, that's all that's needed to fix a problem. This is not from me, it's from a man, so don't go shooting me. We may need to think like men, but would you think less of us if we just thought like women.

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

Waiting for Tomorrow

I save, I pray, I ask, I work, I do anything and everything. And for what? I tell myself it is so that I can have a comfortable future. So that I can fulfil goals and dreams. So that I can have a better tomorrow. But really, for what? For children I may never have,a husband I may never marry, a house I may never build, a pension I may never see, a tomorrow that may never come. We are taught to always look ahead, see the future, plan for disaster, plan for happiness. So we do it everyday, all the time. We educate more, we invest bigger, we think wiser and we try to make sure that when the time comes we will be much better off. We will look back and pat ourselves on the back and tell ourselves, we were the wisest in the shed, that in a company of fools, we did good. We planned ahead. We keep forgetting that we may look back at our current present and see nothing but pain, shame and destruction. That in our quest for a better and brighter future, we forgot about creating a happier today. We totally forgot to live for now. To live for this moment while we are still breathing and living. We have forgotten to smile because we were planning on how we shall smile tomorrow. We have forgotten to love because tomorrow we want to be in a better position to love....better. We are forgetting to laugh today because we are waiting to laugh louder tomorrow. We keep hearing that we should be best we can be. We went to schools that told us just that. In every logo, in every speech, in every career day. Yet when we leave and go out to be the BEST WE CAN BE, we strive with all our might to be the BEST WE SHALL BE at some time in the unforeseeable future. We want to be CEO's and business moguls some day in the future. Maybe in 10, 20, 40 years. We plan meticulously for 'some day' and forget all about today. For a day we are not sure of. An abstract point far away. Today when the sun is shining, when the birds are singing, when the laughter is still resounding; we seem not to care for. We forget about the people who love us today because we want them to be happy tomorrow. But here is the thing about tomorrow; we can plan and write and work and pray about it, but it is as uncertain as the wind. As full of surprises as the Nairobi weather. Life changes in an instant of unplanned and unforeseen circumstance. In a glimpse, everything we had waited and worked for disappears....and then what next? Do we curl up and die? Do we start over? Do we curse at God? What happens when tomorrow doesn't happen? When the Stock market crushes, the house you have been planning for is demolished? the bank you use crashes? Your skills and education 'are no longer required at this organisation'? What happens then? I am not advocating for a hill billy life where we cruise thoughtlessly through life. It is wise to plan for tomorrow. Even prudent. But sometimes when you look too much into the future, you forget about what is right in front of you and eventually end up with a past full of regret. Or worse, no past at all. Success is not pegged on what you do tomorrow, it is based on what the ones around you believe of you today. Tomorrow shall come with its own, and if you were ready to meet today, you shall be fine tomorrow. But you should not forget about who and what should matter today. You should not be over-looking now as you try to peer into tomorrow. Invest as much in now as you are in your future. Tell someone you love them, spend some time by yourself, read a book, get your nails and hair done, go to the movies, let yourself cry a little, take a well deserved trip, go back home, say sorry, ask for forgiveness, take a cooking class, knit a pair of socks, bask in the sun for a few minutes. Take a break from all your planning and your notes and your projections. Live a little.....for today. Because when it is all said and done. Now is all you have.This moment and nothing else.