Table for One please!

I had a very interesting "lunch date" with an acquaintance last Saturday. So for good measure, I brought along my girl friend and she brought along her other friend...just for extra good measure of course. It wasn't that I do not like him as a person, let's just say he is a bit much to take in especially after a long week. So there we were, having a pretty decent meal and generally decent conversation (I use 'generally' and 'conversation' very loosely). That is until at some point in the conversation, I dropped in how I hadn't been on a date in so long, I wouldn't know what to do if one slapped me in the face. At that point I thought nothing of it. Clearly, that was not the case with said acquaintance.

After we were done and everyone was going their merry way, he turned to me and said "I'm sorry." For what you may ask. (And I did!) "I'm sorry you haven't been on a date in so long." Well, to say that I was shocked, would be to understate it. Especially after everything he had pulled during that lunch, (a long and strange story for another day!) that my single life was what he was choosing to apologise for, was a bit baffling. In fact a lot baffling. When did it become acceptable to apologise for other people's lives?

I did not tell him to go shove his ill-placed apology up his a*se but I did tell him not to apologise for a choice I made consciously and with good reason. You see I am not off the market because I am disfigured, unintelligent or even a gold digger. And I am not saying there are women like that (Please do not go around misquoting me!) Far from it, I hope. I am off the market by choice. A choice I made after much soul searching. It got to a point where I needed to draw lines in the sand, lines that I had refused to draw. Maybe out of fear, maybe out of ignorance and most probably out of stupidity.

You see, I am not a feminist and neither am I a male basher (much as I may draw my proud roots from Nyeri) It's just that I woke up one day and realised that I had no idea what I wanted in a man and most importantly what I wanted a man to want in me. I was scared to be alone, I was antsy in my own space, I was even confused by what I liked. If someone else likes something, I must like it too. I realised I had no business wasting my good humour and a man's precious time when I had no idea where I wanted to be at the end of it all. It was all well and good when I was a teenager and it was even fun when I was an over excited campus girl but now that I have been out in the open wide world for abit, it was time to restructure. Murasta Rebranded!

The word on the streets is that you can't truly love someone unless you love yourself first. It is even harder to love yourself if you have no idea who you are. If I was going to get anywhere other than to misery boulevard in a relationship, I needed to start from the beginning. I needed to know who I was first, what I could and could not accept, what I was willing to compromise and what I was not willing him to compromise for me. Was I going to wait for someone to come around and fix me or was I willing to take a break and see what I looked like complete and healed all on my own? Who was I? Who did I want him to be?

So its been a year and then some since my decision. Not being fully acquainted with the world of being alone, I have fallen and scraped myself along the way. I have fumbled a few times (every time with less than desirable results). BUT I am learning to truly appreciate my own company and myself for that matter. I am learning to fight my own battles and fix my own problems. I am learning how to react to conflict and how to deal with it at my own pace. I have learnt to say No when it calls for it and how to accept my own short comings. I am learning to live without apologies for being who I am.

I have stopped making excuses for men. "It's because he works too hard" or "he's having family troubles" or "You know how tight he is with his boys." or " everyone has issues to sort out." All women have made a bad excuse for a man at one point or another. If a guy is not going to tell me the reason I am being treated like a second class citizen, then I shall draw my own paranoid conclusions and believe me they shall be paranoid and far fetched. The minute I start making excuses for bad behaviour is the minute a man stops being a priority in my life. I'm not making excuses for why they break promises, why they don't call when they should, why they don't or do this or the other. I also have work to do too, I also have friends and I also have issues to deal with. I was not built to carry a man's burdens too. There can only be one Jesus. I will match fire for fire and I am ready to scorch to the ground.

I have had 'situations' where I wasn't sure whether we were friends, in a relationship, flirting, breaking up or getting back together. I was always hanging on the edge hoping that life, just by some miracle, would tell me what was going on. Most of those situations ended up with me getting hurt and not being able to tell anyone because well, we were in this amorphous undefined 'situation' that no one else knew about. I don't want him to announce it on national radio but I do need him to at the very least announce it to me, before I go pouring out my heart and soul into another 'situation'......and to the people who matter to him.

My heart has been known (if only to myself) to run out way ahead of the rest of me. By the time my head and other body parts catch up, we are in a Kismayu like problem and I have to go nurse my wounded heart with no extra emotional funding. It is quite tragic really but then again, hearts are not known for their brilliance and forethought. I can continue to punish my heart for all the trouble it has caused in the past or I could build a moat around it and maybe a strong tower around it and dare him to fight for it. I am not interested in a man who is not willing to fight for it; or at least willing to put a good, strong attempt.

I am not ashamed to say that the men in my immediate family are my favourite men in the world. The reasons are pretty simple. They treat me with good humour, give me great respect and love me intensely. They have never said those words because well, they are 'real' men but actions speak louder than words. That is why I would cross hell fire for them. I will not go comparing a man to my father or my brothers or even, my little nephews (because they are all of many faults, ask me, I know them all)....but unfortunately that was where my bar was set and it is a high bar. I don't want to lower my bar and I will not go apologising for wanting a man to treat me right. And if I have to tell you what humour, respect and love are, then I am sorry but our business here is done.

It is not beyond me however that I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I know I am a queen bitch when I am in a mood or I am going through a rough patch and it gets exponentially worse when I am around people who love me. Sorry, bear with me. I know I hate people being in my space, I know I am impossibly stubborn and I hold onto my independence like a world championship belt. I know alot more bad things that I would rather not expose....lest my reputation takes a nose dive right into the earth core. I am promising to work on them. I am promising to be better than I have been. I have even...brace yourself for this.....started appreciating housework. *Gasps and runs for the hills in shame*

I shall not be apologising for taking time to find out who I am and what I want. I don't expect you to apologise for me either. They are not your decisions to apologise for and if doing so I am making a mistake, then it is my mistake to deal with. I shall continue eating at my table for one, I shall continue enjoying my life as the good Lord intended. I shall pull my own chair, order my own food and enjoy my steak and wine and fried rice and wine and pasta and wine. I shall laugh loudly when amused and wail like a paid Luhya wailer when in pain. Because you know what, I have only myself to impress, first. I am not alone and neither am I lonely. Don't apologise for me.....ever again.


On an almost unrelated note (my Friday jam!)

A dangerous thing called Love...

A girl committed suicide yesterday. In the building across from our office. We saw the commotion and like true human beings, we sent the watchman to get us the scoop then discussed it right through lunch. She was a 26 year old bank executive, drove a Prado and lived in a pricey apartment across from us. So as we watched in amazement across the fence, we wondered what it was that was so lacking that she decided the end was now.

Love apparently or some form of it drove her to her death bed and to the note that she left behind for her distraught parents. She was the other woman to the other woman to some celebrity journalist who also lives in the hood and the fact that it was Valentines Day did not escape us. A man who would unfortunately continue living his life fully with other women for years to come. A man who clearly did not let emotions cloud his judgement. He might be sad for a few days but after that, he would go on carrying on, and she would still be dead.

This got me wondering, if as women, we got the raw end of the relationship stick. Did we sit around hoping to be completed by men while they on the hand, felt more than adequately complete? We let our hearts dominate something that should otherwise be better be dominated by our brains. Which is quite sad because like the saying goes "Love doesn't put food on the table or pay the bills."

This emotion called love has caused a wealth of pain and heartbreak. From Jacob and Leah in the Bible to Romeo and Juliet, the results seem to be the same. Tragic. That is where I admire men, even after they fall in love, they take the emotion out of the equation and really look into the relationship. They find out if after everything is stripped bare, whether this is where they still ought to be. It may sound selfish but it is necessary. Are you truly and honestly happy? When you are quietly seated in a corner and thoughts off him cross your mind, do you smile are does your heart fill with fear? We cannot let our lives be ruled by chemical reactions instead of logical assumptions.

But this situation also got me to see that as much as we give in a relationship, we also receive. I highly doubt that her man was willing to write a note and kill himself. In fact, I doubt that the chap will care enough to change his ways in tribute to her death. Yet there she was, laying it bare for a man who's whole investment in the relationship were a few random visits and a cheque at the end of the month. Unfortunately for all of us, we only see things clearly when we are on the outside looking in but when you are in it, you want to be the one that changed his world,the one who he loved the most, the one who made everything alright. If you are going to be the one to make him reach his best potential, he has to be willing to be more than the gateway to the end of your life.

Relationships are hard enough without the threats and the other women and the excess drama. They are hard enough without dragging each other through the mud. I'm sure she thought having her rent paid for and a lovely 4WD at her disposal was everything a woman would ever want but something will always be missing. If he was never there when she needed him the most, if she used to call and get the secretary every time, if when a moment called for romance, he brushed it off, then nothing else mattered. Every woman needs to know she is the one and only if only in theory.

I won't fault her for her actions. Most women have been through a heartbreak so bad, giving up almost seemed like a better option. I once planned to leave the country because it felt abit too much to be breathing the same air. But we eventually rise above it, become stronger for it. If we are lucky, we find a man who will treat us so well that we wonder what the hell we were doing with the other a*$es and if we are very lucky, we discover our self worth along the way and walk away from this dangerous relationships with our dignity intact. It is easier said than done of course and the lessons learnt are painful and rough. But we live and learn. All I'm saying is "If you are going to let your heart fall into that abyss called love, be sure to drag your mind along too."

Now, I pray

Sometimes when you're seated silently with your thoughts,you remember things. Some things are profound and beautiful but some need to be shot in the knees and hang in the gallows. Some times you think of both and have mixed reactions about mixed feelings involving mixed things. So you walk off and go do things that take your mind off things and thoughts. Take your mind off your life. You realise, maybe it's not that great or maybe its greater than what you think it was. Maybe you shouldn't think too much.

That was my thought yesterday as I sat quietly hoping the day would end and then maybe time travel back 3 weeks. When I was slightly more oblivious about how life could lift you up and then suddenly drop you onto gravel and small pieces of glass. But as I slept another thought crossed my mind. "Sometimes you just need to stop thinking and pray." So I prayed.

Like any healthy yet dysfunctional relationship, me and God have had alot of fights. Fights about things He should have done but didn't, places He should have taken me but refused, promises that He made that I still waited for and never seemed to receive, moments that He should have been there but was apparently out doing grocery shopping or hanging out with His boys or whatever. As you can see, the trend here was me picking the fight and Him shaking His head sadly. I am a woman, nagging comes with the territory. He should know that. After all, He created me.

But as the relationship has matured, we have come to a few understandings, a few home truths. Rules of engagement if you will. Like I heard someone say over the weekend "Relationships are for mature people. Children cant handle the pressure." I have matured up in the last couple of years. Age wise and heart wise. Ready to take this relationship to a new level. So here are some few rules of engagement that I have picked up.

Firstly, He never gives you anything you can't handle. Most of us believe that means that you are already ready to handle everything thrown at you. Quite the contrary really. I've often screamt at him because I knew I was going to crush and burn. But miraculously, I survive and in the process I grow stronger. Sometimes just barely but sometimes in ways I never would have thought or even imagined. Yes, you can handle it now but could you have handled it yesterday? Have you learnt something new with every new situation or do you still think you had anything and everything to do with every victory? Think about it. Are you stronger today than you were yesterday? If your challenge is bigger today then yesterday then you should look back and smile, then look forward and hope God had enough strength in reserve for you.

Secondly, everything happens for a reason. Last week I went through a very confusing situation. It tested everything I believed and hoped for. I went from ecstasy to paralysing fear in a few short days. Then after all that, I still had to pretend it was just water off my back. But when it's time for *ish to hit the fan, it is time. Sometimes it doesn't feel like the right time for you but believe me, it is the right time. I am still quietly reeling from the shock and sometimes I wake up paralysed with fear that things won't ever work out. But it was a lesson in patience and life; and I am think maybe it was time for me to learn. Maybe I might come out on the other side smelling of roses, and maybe I will come out smelling like the fan, but point remains, I will come out of the other side having learnt that sometimes, you just have to wait your turn. Sometimes it is your turn to be hit with sewer on your face. Other times its your turn to get that ride to the moon. When it's your turn it's your turn.

Lastly, you can worry yourself to disease or you can smile right through the storm. This is hard and shall always be hard for me. Some things don't become easier with time. I think this is one of them. But it is easier to smile when you are sure you are not entirely alone. Storms come and go. Sometimes they seem to stick around forever just to test how much torture they can inflict but eventually the fortunes turn. I can't say I am smiling right through everything. Sometimes I am in a place where I am not sure whether to faint and pretend the world doesn't exist or do a columbine and face the angry world with guns blazing. But slowly with every passing year, the urge to strangle the few members of the world making my life hard reduces. Gives me time to enjoy the others who make my life so much easier and blissful. So I smile and ride out the storm.

So every so often I write down a few more things that have improved in my life because of one less fight I am having with God. My life will occasionally run into a pole face first and sometimes it will be a relaxing day in the beach. But sometimes I'll just be sitting quietly thinking about nothing in particular. But as long as that moment is now, I pray.