Fear!

Fear makes me sick. Not psychologically. but physically. It gives me ulcers and fevers and suddenly I have delirious hallucinations and make incoherent mumbling sounds. My stomach tightens and I go numb. I do not have a "fight" gene or even a "flight" one. I just have one I call a "fumble" gene. A gene that is no respecter of my otherwise calm personality and high IQ. I hate fear.

It makes me make rash decisions. It makes my voice high pitched as I make calls that are irrational. It drives me up the wall and sends me running into public bathrooms to breath. It makes me cry in public places and say things that I would otherwise not utter. It's what fear does to me. It rules my life with an iron fist and has a grip so strong, I remain helpless.

I do pray it away and sometimes it works. I close my eyes hard like a child when I am praying about fear. I pray like that because fear makes me like a child. I barely crawl on my stomach. I can hardly speak a language anyone understands. I need guidance and hope. I am always looking for someone who beat the system. It makes me look without for strength I should ordinarily have within.

That's why I hate fear. I walk with my head hung. Unsure of myself, of my next step. Unsure of my own voice and lost in my own crumbling world. Fear spoils my day, takes away my sleep at night but keeps me from leaving my bed, it takes away my faith. It curls its claws on my heart so tightly that I cannot reach out to my friends or my family. Fear keeps me alone. Kicks me in the stomach and watches me bleed out my resolve.

I hate not knowing who I am. Not knowing what I can do. I hate it when people shout and I flinch into a corner, unable to defend myself. I hate not knowing how to think for myself, how to breathe for myself. I hate fear and I think it hates me back. Otherwise it wouldn't be so hell bent to see me fail.

Hello Fear, I think we need to sit down and have a talk.

A girl and her car.

Yes,I am that girl who parks too close to the Nissan Sunny because I am too afraid to park closer to the Range Rover. You see my logic is that the overly scratched Sunny won't mind one more scratch from a scared female. I mean how would he even start proving that the scratch was specifically from me. Never. However the older, much better maintained Range Rover hasn't a scratch on it. Looks like it came straight from its daily spraying and waxing right into this parking space. Even dust is scared of causing unnecessary damage. Given a choice, I would have looked for another parking. But at this hour, it would be highly unlikely that another parking space would be miraculously empty. So I squeeze as close to the banged up cheaper car as possible. So close infact that a full grown duet can comfortably park between me and this monster of a car.

Anyway, let the duet park there. As long as it doesn't scratch me trying to avoid the mountain of a car. My next dilemma is how to get out of the car. Thank the heavens that I am by myself so I can shimmy to the passenger seat. No I lie, shimming is for girls who care about their image. Right now I'm too excited to have missed the Range Rover to care too much about who sees me struggling to get out through the wrong door. It is my car, and I'll inconvenience myself if I want to.

I pour out of the car unceremoniously and quickly compose myself. It is quite fine when the world sees me attempt ridiculous fêtes in the privacy of my own car. But I am now in public. I have a reputation to pretend to care about. I look at the amount of space between me and the Range. I can feel it sneer at me. Perfectly set in between its lines. Unafraid and unashamed. Glimmering in the light of the afternoon in all its glory. I throw my hair back and pretended to not care. Especially about the driver of the Sunny who might have to do a dance and a little acrobatics to get into his car. I surely hope he is more flexible than me. It would really help with his departure. Either that or soon I'll be hearing. "The owner of K-such and such please come and unsqueeze the grey Sunny. You are violating its personal space" over the mall's PA system. This is Africa. We do not regard personal space as sacred or even a kind of space. I swear at the random rules brought in by colonial powers. The shame.

Now I face my next dilemma. I was seriously hoping the owner of the monstrosity would save me the trouble by going home while I ran my errands. Damn! Now back to the process. Into the passenger side, shimmy, bend, stretch, awkward bend towards the driver's seat. All the while the other cars around us and maybe a watchman laugh at my struggles. I take a deep breath. Now I am way too close to the Sunny to reverse. Who made me believe that this was a good idea? The voice in my head shall go to trial as soon as I get home. ICC mambo yote. Yes, that it shall. It is just a miracle that my side mirrors don't touch the taunting Sunny when they open up.

I start on my new struggle with one heart. Getting out. I straighten my tires like I was taught in driving school. I put the gear on reverse. I check both sides. Once towards the Sunny. 100 times towards the Range Rover. Logic states that if you got in safely, you will get out safely. But logic will quickly lose this battle with me. Very quickly. I ease out. Very straight. No turning of tires, no quick and rushed dashes. None of the usual nonsense. I even check infront like my bonnet would suddenly run off and hit the car parked right across from me. Take no chances. I go straight back for what seemed like 25 minutes. Until I am sure I am clear from hitting either of the cars. My heart does a victory dance. Hehehehe. Have that.

As I look around proudly, I realise I have placed myself in a whole new situation. I can't turn so that I can leave. I am stuck right across the the road, facing the wrong direction. Yep. That's just the kind of girl I am. hihihi! I smile.

All or nothing at all.

You love me fully,
Or you don't love me at all.
You protect me fully,
Or you forever walk away.
You hold me tightly,
Or you don't touch me at all.

For this can only go,
One of two ways.
Either fully,
Or nothing at all.
For my heart will not take,
Only half of what it can get.

You can lift me up,
Or you can let me lie,
You can make me laugh,
Or you can let me be,
I shall not accept half a lift,
Neither will I do half a laugh.

My heart will take it all,
or reject it all,
It will either hear it all,
or nothing at all.
For it knows no half way point,
It's either all,
Or nothing at all.

2012

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself -- Leo Tolstoy

It has taken me a while to compile a list of resolutions for the year. 2012 is my year. I have a good feeling about it. From the tips of my locks to the toenails that were painted fuscia without my knowledge. Not because there's anything great happening this year....at least not that I know of...but because it is the year that I deal with myself. It is time I faced who I am and decide who I want to be. I am not getting any younger and as I look around at the people around me who are my age or even younger, I realise that while I was curled at a corner in fear of the unknown, people moved on with their lives. They faced a moving world. I chose not to.

But here's 2012 and for the first time in my history, I am sitting down and writing statements about what I want my year ahead to be. I am giving myself deadlines, I am willing to grow. So what is my resolution for the year:

A renewing of Body, Mind and Soul.

Body:
So, as of a few weeks ago, I decided its time to tone up this body of mine. There's been some mud-slide action happening around my thigh area that I have not been too proud of. So after a few failed attempts at going for Zumba and gym fees refusing to squeeze into my budget, I have decided that maybe jogging might be my best way forward. So as of yesterday, twice a week I shall be doing a 30 minute jog/dash/crawl around the hood....sometimes I'll just be sitting and thinking about it.(but that counts...right?)

But it's not just toning of my body that I'm being resolute about. Bad eating habits have to stop. No more skipping meals, no more dehydrating habits. Water is my friend. It is good. So are 3 square meals a day, fruits and vegetables. A vanilla cupcake at lunch time does not a meal make. So in the spirit of improving my life, I shall also broaden my cooking knowledge. Throwing food into hot water or hot oil shall not constitute my only ability. I want to learn to marinate, to toss and turn, mash and julienne, bake and grill. Yes, my body shall be a temple....of disciplined exercise and good food. Yes it shall.

Mind.
My mind has prevented me from proper sleep, proper weight, proper happiness, proper anything really. It is said that your greatest enemies is not those around you but that who is within you. Your mind limits you with doubts, misgivings and experiences. Past experiences have made me limit who and what I have become. Future worries have stopped me from making leaps into the unknown. Will my life be better if I do? What do I lose if take a chance? I now know that I shall lose the knowledge of what could have happened.

While I try to get out of the shell that is my closed mind, I need to let go of experiences, doubts, fear and other voices. What others think of me and what I do is irrelevant compared to what I think of myself and what I can achieve. What I believe of my ambitions and my achievements. It all starts with the mind and the mind just has to say "yes" sometimes for everything else to work out.

Soul

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philipians 4:6

That is my word for the year.

I have been studying up a bit on faith and what it means. Faith in myself, faith in others but most of all faith in God. My life has not been difficult...it has had difficult patches but it has not been difficult all round. Because of that, I have not had my faith tested before and when it finally got tested, I realised I had no fall back. Fully relying on myself does not cut it any more. Sometimes living life feels like trying to empty the ocean with a tea spoon. Everything is impossible and life feels like it generally hates you. If I truly believe in a God that can do immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine; if I believe in a God who not only created the world I live in but also created me (one of the most stubborn people I know) why can't I entrust Him with a few small, insignificant problems?

Having faith in anyone other than myself, having faith in others, will be the truest test not only of my soul but of my character. But we are not islands at least I am not an island, we need other people to survive because when we are breaking and at our weakest, they stand in that gap for us. In prayer, in friendship and in faith.

And if you think about it, if my soul is at peace, my mind and body will be at peace too.

So in 2012, if I am to unfortunately find myself in an abandoned island, the 5 things I would carry are:

1. A pregnant cow (milk, meat and manure all in one!)
2. A Bible
3. An ipod with a solar charger
4. A laptop which can steal wireless internet from other continents....with a solar charger
5. A friend

You live and Learn.

" He saw the calf of her left leg entering the lift. That was all he saw but it was enough. For it was a beautiful calf. But what was more important though was that it was a familiar calf. A bit too familiar. That calf brought back memories. And it literally knocked the wind out of him.

What he didn't know was that, that leg had been avoiding him for the last 10 months. She knew he worked in the building. She had been 3 floors down on the exact same wing for 10 months. She had bumped into a work mate of his in the lift once who had unknowingly given her their general office schedule. He had been trying to hit on her. Such a shame. He was so nice looking. So she made sure she always arrived an hour before he got in and left an hour before he was normally set to leave. The wonders of flexible working hours. But this day, on a totally insignificant Wednesday, she had forgotten her lunch on the kitchen table so she had needed to walk out and get some food. That was the day he saw her well heeled leg enter the lift.

You see, life is a dangerous place. A place where things happen for no apparent reason, in very suspicious manners, to conspire against you. The two of them now clearly understood that. For her, it was the day she got the lucrative job offer in his building and even worse, when she got assigned a parking space across from him. For him, it was that unwitting Wednesday in the lobby, when he saw her leg disappear into the lift.

They hadn't so much as smelt each other in over 2 years. 29 months and 5 days to be exact. 29 months in which she had calmly and slowly put her life back together. 29 months of which she had vowed off men, their immaturity and antics. 29 months in which she had systematically avoided him and his world. And life was now threatening to cave in all her hard work. Her thoughts were just whirling around in her head like wayward pirates. Damn the lunch on the breakfast table. It better have put itself in the fridge by the time I get home. She said to no one in particular.

For 29 months, he had sat in silent regret. For a few months after he last saw her, he dialled and hang up her number at least 2 million times. He just didn't know what to say to her then. He didn't know what to say to her now. Not while he stared at the lift door close behind her. Not when he was looking at a leg from his past walking back into his life. He wanted to run and stop the lift but his legs were numb. frozen. unwilling. He was hoping she had at least seen him. He knew she hadn't. He had always known he would bump into her. Just not this soon. Life is shorter than we think. He sighed.

Life is stranger than fiction.She thought quietly to herself. Their ambitions had been the same, their lives seemed to sync. At least that's what she thought. She had found perfection. Intimacy. Friendship. She was a beaming ray of sunshine. For 3 and a half years. Everyday. Nothing could bring her down. No one could break her. No one did. No one but him. Him, who suddenly decided he needed time to think. He said he thought he had made a mistake. He said his life needed to develop a little more. He said, he needed to buy land, earn more, think more. And there she was, foolishly thinking that she was placed to help him become better, get to greater heights. She foolishly she thought that they were in it together, forever and ever.

She wondered why he had so strongly crossed her mind on this unassuming Wednesday. As she entered the lift and remembered the man who had left her at the altar. The man who had left her broken and hardened. She felt a little shiver run down her spine. She sighed out thoughts of him from her mind. Silently, she wished him away from her life and vowed never to forget her lunch on the kitchen table again....Then she watched the lift doors close on her past and waited to get to her floor."