A hole in the Story

So there you are, thinking that when you grow up, you shall find your self a man who shall fulfill all your dreams. The Prince to the fairy tale that is your life. At least all your financial dreams, if nothing else. You have watched all the movies, all the programs and read all the fairy tales and mills and boons. You already know how this story should go. Girl meets boy, girl establishes wealth quotient, boy marries girl and girl lives happily ever after.

But there is a problem. In all movies, fairy tales and such, its always about the girl. The girl always lives happily ever after. They always leave gaping holes in these stories of love. The stories that involve getting a man, involves you taking a nap or going to a bash your "evil mother" refused you to go to...or (and this is my favourite) you kissing the proverbial frog. There's something very incomplete about this tales.

No story, sit-com or rom-com ever mentions the hard work needed to find and maintain a relationship. The pains, ups and down (not just an up and a down). They never mention that most women are emotional nightmares and men have enormous, unfounded egos to protect. They don't mention that not all girls are born sweet, all step-mothers born evil and all men born handsome and wealthy. And they never say what happens after the big kiss. Why?

i) The Cinderella Story: This is the classic tale of rich boy- poor girl. Wrong. This is the classic story of rich boy rescues trust fund baby from trash-type step mom. Cinderella already had a rich father. She already had training in good graces and which spoon to use to eat what food. She knew you gently dub the side of your mouth after every bite and you never slouch on your chair. For her family to get invited to a royal party, she had to have been born of royalty. You cannot come from the grass roots of far and beyond and then start hoping that royalty awaits you. I am not denying that a person for whom English was a fifth dialect cannot marry right into the Windsor Golf Club. But such stories always make the news. And such stories have bloodshed and scattered bodies in their past. It's like lusting after a Fendi Bag, and yet you have never even been inside a City Walk. So sweetie, the kind of Prince that you're hoping for, doesn't chill at the corners of Grogon.

ii)Rich girl meets poor boy and other fibs fed by sitcoms: In a lot of these sit-coms, there's always a wealthy daddy's girl who falls madly in love with a boy from close to no where. The family after a half hearted attempt to fight it, end up embracing his family and letting him move in and sleep over whenever he pleases. This situation is even more ridiculous than the Cinderella scenario. It can happen; but in the real world where everyone else lives, dines and dies.... people live, dine and die in social classes. Especially women, unless they are rebelling. But that usually only lasts for a few days before they go running back to comfort. There are those like us who look for coins for bus fare and work our way up the corporate ladder then there are others, who unfortunately were born above the corporate ladder. The platform above the ladder is where you have to be seen to be loved and you have to be invited to be seen. Stop chasing while you are still ahead.
Lady and the Trump
iii) Sleeping Beauty: Have you seen your face in the morning? Honey, you are not a sleeping beauty and your breath is not fresh for kissing. And the only kiss that will get you out of that "I will die alone" attitude you are in, will neither be from a stranger or be given to you while you are sleeping. Handsome looking chaps are everywhere but if one of them came and dropped his lips on me, he would walk away without his important man parts. And if he tried it while I was asleep, he would probably leave without his throat too. Love is nurtured not kissed into you. So stop walking around hoping for the kiss of life.

iv) Kissing in the rain: I will admit that this is usually my most favourite scene of any mushy movie. The big apology in the pouring rain. my heart melts just a little watching it. The romantic apology in the rain. The dramatic kiss of forgiveness. #Sigh...But then I wonder, what if he wasn't home? What if he gets robbed standing out there in a dark, cold night screaming her name? What if her father attacks him with a machete? But worse, what if he doesn't care and just turns and continues sleeping? So what happens next. Does s/he just stand there catching rain related diseases? Some things look great on the screen. I will cry at the window....but she/he sleeps like a dead log and when s/he wakes in the morning and finds your cold dying body stuck in the mud, you only have yourself to blame.

v)You got Mail: "I saw your words and just fell in love with your soul.." hehehehe! Sorry. I do believe people fall in love in many different ways but I have only heard of this happening in real life once. I am a firm believer in always starting with the basic rules of engagement before you can declare yourself an exception. First date, make up your mind, second date, make up his mind. If you were meant to fall in love with someone's words, you will. But don't go trolling the net hoping someone will see your flawless writing and come flying down from Uruguay for you. Some dreams are best reserved for the movies.

Fairy tales do happen and to the most unlikely people in the most dramatic ways. As they say, life is stranger than fiction. But...but life requires work, it has no script and more often than not, doesn't work out quite like you pictured it in your mind. So as you venture into the next big thing, by all means, keep an open heart but an even more open mind but remember, your life is a lot harder and requires a lot more work than the movies.

Common and his song "Come Close"

Are you dreaming right?

I want to be rich, I want to famous, I want to be a size 2 body with a size 16 intelligence. I want to be superman. I want to be everything. All at once or nothing at all. I want to be the best at everything. Everything there ever was.

We all have dreams. Big ones, small ones, strange ones, desperate ones. You wake up in the morning and hope that today is the day your dream shall come true. So you work at it, you make vision boards, you idolise and study,you pray and meditate, you hold on strongly everyday and hope that you are heading towards that direction. Everyday you hope.

If I was to be given a vision board to map out how my life would go, it would be an incredible route of me being under educated, under worked and over paid. If wishes could be horses, right? It would have a sprawling house in Tigoni, a bunch of well behaved kids (does 2 constitute a bunch?) and cars that could do 0-60 in milli-seconds. I'd work from 9 to 3 and holiday in the Maldives (I have no idea where that is) I would be a most sought after human being with well sought after qualifications.

So what happens when your dream feels like its moving away instead of coming closer, when you start losing focus and your way becomes misty or even goes pitch black? What happens when you feel like you are on the right path but heading in the wrong direction? You have studied, exercised, applied yourself, prayed, chanted but it always feels like something is always missing? Like every time you put your foot on what seems to be the right step, the step moves? What happens when you start giving up?

Sometimes we forget what drives us, sometimes we don't realise what drives us has changed. Sometimes we get blinded by other people's dreams or at their speed of achieving these dreams. Sometimes we just get discouraged by obstacles and shifts of nature. Sometimes we just need a break, we want to live someone's life for a little bit before going back to our unbeaten path. Sometimes we just forget.

But you know what? As I am quietly realising, God will not let you dream bigger than you can handle. Maybe it is not time for you to handle everything He is about to give you. And perhaps, He is preparing you for a vision board much greater and much more detailed than you can imagine. Maybe He is just waiting for you to trust enough in yourself, in your abilities and in your dreams. Nothing is too great for the Almighty, right?

So don't stop believing in your dream. Because it'll mean to stop believing in yourself and I highly doubt that was the plan. Because the dream is there for a reason. That you dream it because it is uniquely you. You just need to dream right. Dream strong. If you don't fulfil it, who will?

Rules to Live By.

So I have been looking for time to write this post. At least since I read "He's not that into you." Now I'll be honest, this is not a book to read when you're in a shaky place in your relationship. It'll just scare you. Some thing are rough, some things are too honest and others are just glaring. But I did pick out a few things I'd like to share. And that is what I am calling; Rules for women to live by.

Rule 55: ...Men are never too busy to get what they want. The word 'busy' is a weapon of mass destruction.

Rule 50: Calling when he says he's going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of trust and love. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And its cold outside.

Rule 18: People are inspired to do remarkable things to find the one they love. Big movies are made about it, and every relationship you admire bursts with a greatness that you hope for in your own life. And the more you value yourself, the more the chance you'll have to get it.

Rule 39: Just because you like to lead doesn't mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason.

Rule 91: Having a companion to wake up to is nice, especially if it is someone you like, but that's what pets are for. Pets are God's way of saying " Don't lower your bar just because you are lonely." You are better than a slumber party.

Rule 26: If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won't keep you guessing, because he'll want to make sure you don't get frustrated and go away.

Rule 29: Men for the most part, like to pursue women. They like not knowing if they can catch you. They feel rewarded when they do. Especially when the chase is a long one. They know women can run governments, heading multinationals and raise loving children- Sometimes all at the same time. That however does not deter men from being different.

Rule 33: If the men are asking you out, if the men have to get your attention, then you in fact, are the one in control.

Rule 72: Relationships will always be about the guy who wants you, calls you, makes you feel sexy and desired fully. He wants to see you more and more often because every time he sees you, he likes and the loves you more and more.
Rule 38: If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you he will.

Rule 229: Being lonely, being alone, for most people, sucks. But being with someone who makes you feel crappy is worse.

Rule 48: ...If he likes you, he never forgets you, ever. No matter what. He will forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets you.

Rule 70: Men, just like women, want to feel emotionally protected when a relationship starts to become serious. One way of doing this is laying claim to it. A man who's really into you is going to want you all to himself.

Rule 81: Better than nothing is not good enough for you!

Rule 87: If he were into you, he would be having a hard time keeping his paws off you. Oh, the simplicity of it all! If a man is not trying to undress you, he's not into you.

Rule 104: He's not that into you if he's having sex with someone else. There's never a good excuse for cheating.

Rule 126: He's not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgement isn't impaired.

Rule 141: There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married. You shouldn't feel ashamed or needy or unliberated for wanting that. So make sure from the start you pick a guy who shares your views for the future, and if not, move on as quickly as you can. Big plans require big action.

Rule 155: if you feel he's always holding something back, or that you are spending alot of energy trying to change yourself for something you think will make him happier, then divorce yourself from him and move on. Don't let him make you feel stupid for being yourself.

Rule 167: Its called break-up sex for a reason. No one has yet to rename it Oh-my-God-the-sex-was-so-good-we-got-back-together-again-and-lived-happily-ever-after Sex. The sex is never that great.

Rule 176: You can't talk your way out of a break up. Its not up for discussion. A breakup is a definitive action not a democratic one.

Rule 191: When a man disappears on you, don't ask yourself what you did wrong or how you could have done it differently. Don't waste your heart and mind trying to figure out why he did what he did.... The only thing you need to know is that its really good news: He's gone. Hallelujah.

Rule 200: He's not that into you if he is married, or any other insane variation of being unavailable. If he's not available to love you freely, its not real love.

Rule 221: He doesn't have to love your CD collection. He doesn't have to love your shoes. But any good mature guy better make an effort to love your friends and family.

Rule 222: There's no reason ever to yell at someone unless you're screaming, " LOOK OUT FOR THAT BUS!". People who yell are people who have anger issues. Do you wnat to be that couple? The one the guy is always yelling at the wife? Even worse, do you want him to be that dad?

Rule 243: Sure. There are the stories. Guys that get pursued and end up being the love of his life.; the guy that treats this girl that he sometimes sleeps with like shit for a couple of years, but she keeps at him and he is now a devoted husband and father; the guy who doesn't call the girl he sleeps with for months and then he calls and they lived happily ever after...etc, etc. Don't listen to those stories. They don't help you. Tell your friends to stop telling you these stories.

Rule 245: You are exceptional, but not the exception!! Always think of yourself as the rule.

Always you can decide what you will or won't tolerate. You decide how it's going to be for you. Make sure you know what you stand for and what you believe in.

A rare moment of honesty!

It is very rare that we are brutally honest with ourselves. We are generally honest with ourselves but we taint it, even to ourselves. To maintain the status quo. To make life more acceptable. We pretend we are not as tired as we are, as desperate as we are, as happy as we are, as satisfied as we feel. We tell ourselves that life is should be average. Don't ripple still waters, they may turn back at you in tsunamis. Or that you should contain your excitement, for the sake of all that is good and proper in this world. You carry yourself just so. Respect everyone else's wishes just so. Enjoy your life just so.

Today when I started preparing for work, I could feel my heart dragging me back. Refusing me to walk out the door. It was so heavy it was almost physical. I guess it was finally tired of being lied to. But I lied to it one more time. Probably not the last time but I told myself that it was just exhaustion, it was just fatigue. It would all go away in December. When I finally lay myself to rest for a few days over Christmas. But I knew I had lied to myself one more time. Just to get out of the house.

Sometimes I lie to myself for other reasons that are ambiguous and irrelevant reasons. What ifs? How comes? etc....So I don't change anything. I leave things arranged just as properly as they should. So that I cause no ripples. Like I'm on factory settings and I'm yet to be upgraded to something greater. Something better. Something extraordinary.

So I dragged my heart to the office. My heavy unwilling heart; pulled along by a body too committed to logic and reasoning. Too committed to worry and uncertainty. As I stood at the door to the office and stared at my desk across the room and wondered about the days I had spent in front of that computer. Pushing paper, typing, scrolling, planning, my heart wanted to run more than ever. If it could scream, I'm sure the scream could be heard from space. Or at least from my untidy room back home.

It felt like a much better idea to go tidy up the house than to sit down. At a job I cared nothing for with a pay that sent my siblings into fits of laughter every single time I mentioned it. I stood there for probably for 20 seconds. It felt like 20 years.

But what would happen if I turned and walked away? Where would I go? Back to a mother I seem to disappoint over and over again? Back to a bank I owe abit too much? Back to a life of uncertainty? Or back to a life I had longed for, for far too long.

So I sat. I switched on, logged onto the network, prepared for the day and read notes that had been left while I was away. I watched my world stream in noisily from the outside world. I watched as people came on-line and started sending client mail and briefing the boss. I was back to my lie as I knew it. I had expenses..... and pride....and fear. Too much pride to start over. Too much fear to let go. To face new possibilities. Too many expenses that seemed to spiral out of control. I had no fall back money to go back to. The economists estimate that you should have at least 6 months salary. Ha! They'd weep at the state of the accounts that were mine. Weep that if my world should crash beside me, I would crash right along with it.

There was so much that my heart carried. So many lies. So many burdens. So much fear. So my collegue peeps over just now and watches as I type for a few seconds. "Ai, kwani you are still on Day 1? you never go to Day 2?" I shrugged. It might be the only thing that is holding my wits around my desk. Day 2 may be too complicated for me. There I go again. Another lie for my heart to live with. Another lie just to make this abit more bearable.

The Coffee Bean

This is a paraphrased version of a story I read once a while back....

The teacher looked at her 3 students. Listening inquisitively about the meaning of life. He held out 3 items on the table before him. A carrot, an egg and a coffee bean. He asked each of them to describe one of the items.

"The carrot is firm" the first one said.
"The egg is so fragile." the second student said.
"The coffee bean is so small and hard." The last student said.

The teacher than boiled water in 3 different pots and the threw an item in each pot for 10 minutes.

He asked them to describe them again.
"The carrot has become flimsy and flail"
"The egg is now very hard and tough"
"The bean has dissolved in the water."

People are divided into carrots, eggs and coffee beans. Some people are firm but when they get into tough situations, they turn fragile and flail. They never recover. Some people are eggs. The were fragile until tough situations came along. They turn hard to the world. After that they are hardened forever. But some people are coffee beans. They are good in their raw state but in tough situations, they just adopt and sometimes even come out smelling better on the other side."

Look at your life. Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Addiction III (doubt)

"How much do you like this guy?"

That was a tough one. Who even asked that? She immediately regretted having asked for advice. She groped for words in her mind. Nothing seemed satisfactory. She couldn't clearly put together the thoughts swishing past her mind. What had been racing through her mind for months. They had been in a friend-almost-boyfriend-but-not-quite for almost 2 years now. She wasn't too sure she was comfortable with it but she knew she could live with it.At least for a while longer. Then suddenly she had had the urge to share her doubts with her friends. Now what kind of mistake was that? She looked at her passé and half listened, half understood, half ignored what they were ranting on about.

".....You know he will drag you along forever and then you'll end up the old spinster ex standing at his wedding....."

She liked him, desperately. She knew that. Maybe loved him even. She could not think of all the negativity surrounding this conversation. Her days always seemed brighter, her work load seemed lighter, her steps were always springy. She could honestly not remember a time her life had felt this beautiful. Of course other than the fact that she had no idea where it was going and she was afraid to her marrow that if he hurt her she would never recover. She had heard of those stories. Stories of women who tried to commit suicide after they had been left. Women who quit their jobs or relocated or went slightly mad. She never thought it would ever be her. At least not until now.

"......I know this girl who was once led on for like 7 years, kidogo tu, she get's an invitation to his engagement party. Do you know she just packed up....."

But she had only been in this for 2 years. She was sure it would not go up to 7 years. Please no...As the conversation drifted, she had half a heart to call him and ask where it was all going. But she had read somewhere, or maybe heard somewhere, that he would declare his feelings when he was ready. Don't push him. He's the strong quiet type. She knew they were definitely beyond being just pals, buddies, boys... but she wasn't sure they were at a point where they were declaring feelings. What if he didn't feel the same way? What if she called at a bad time? What if? The doubts and fears grew as the conversation wore on.

"....You should know where this is going. We're not getting any younger and these games are going to age you faster than you think...."

She doubted anything they had been through so far could count as things that would make her age faster. Her mind wondered to his strong hands, his hearty laughter, his smooth voice, his smile. The thoughts wandered off to his touch, his kiss, his firm hold on the small of her back. As far as she knew, no one had ever said such things, like what they were doing, lead to faster ageing. If anything, her hair and skin had a new glow which she needed to keep going for a long time to come. But as she listened to the now half drunk advise, she wondered how long that would be. How long before he takes the glow with him and leave her as a pale shadow of her former self.

".....Men can be bastards though. Leading you on until they finally get what they want or someone better. You don't want to be that girl, do you?...."

Why was no one telling her anything good. Married and single women alike. She just needed one person to tell her to be patient with him and he will eventually come round. To tell her that his laughter would be hers forever, that his strong arms would only hold her. She needed to hear so much and this women whom she had confided in were just telling her the opposite as the drinks kept pouring in. Her paranoia had however grown into unsustainable heights. She looked down at her phone. Willing it to ring. To prove these women wrong. To make her heart stop flailing around wildly around her chest.

"...you know he's a fool if he doesn't know what he has with you....."

That was the quietest statement she heard all night. Almost as if it had been whispered to only her. The eyes were looking directly at her. Asking her to believe it. If she was going to believe anything that night, she knew, that was what she needed to believe. That this idiot she thought she loved, needed to think he loved her back. She looked down at her hands. Now sweaty and warm and clumsy. She excused herself and picked up her things. She needed to get some air. She was starting to panic beyond her normal limit. As she stumbled towards the exit, she finally knew what she had to do.

"Hi doll!"
"Hey. Can we talk?"

Dear Future,

Dear Future Murasta,

I am writing this because I have a feeling you will write me from the future with all the great things you have accomplished and writing this makes us look like we are having a normal conversation. And God Knows, right about now, I need to hear that you're doing great. At least much better than I am currently hoping for. I have prayed for you, you know. I have prayed that you get to know what you're about. I have prayed that all those deep desires that I have are accomplished over and beyond your wildest imaginations.

I can only hope though, that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, that you are happy. Happy and graceful....and grateful. It is important to be grateful, that you are still alive and well, it will be important to be grateful. If the global warming talks and failing economy is anything to go by. I truly hope you learnt from your mistakes and never let things pass you by because of fear or doubt. That you have grown into a courageous woman of power, a woman not held back by shame or blame, a fortress for yourself and for others as well.

I also hope you have put your heart and mind to good use. The mind is a terrible thing to waste, right? And it does rot if left on the shelf for too long. I hope you directed it towards something you care deeply for. Not just dragging around hoping that someone somewhere fulfilled my dream for you. It is never too late to reach for those stars we have been wishing upon. Even though they seem like little stars. I have dreams now so I am hoping they have grown into something more. Or at least a few extra steps have been taken. I will try my best on this side to keep the fire going. I do hope you are doing the same.

Your heart has always been a confused, treacherous place to explore. I guess you already knew that. It runs loose and willy nilly without a second thought. Reign it in before it kills you. Or at least I hope you gave it to someone who knew what to do with it. Because I clearly don't. That it went on to love and hold dearly to things and people of great importance. Not to politicians and celebrities....but to lovers, children and friends. Whoever they may be. I pray that it has not been corrupted by the things and politics of the world. That it held firmly and faithfully to what it believes in. That it has learnt what to hold onto and what to leave behind.

As I write this, I am truly hoping that I have not disappointed you as I head towards you. I hope that I have given this life my all so that you can live at your best. I hope that I have not held back where it truly mattered, that you trod where I was afraid to tread, that you spoke up when I should have, that you apologised like I was taught and that loved with no fear. I hope that I taught your children well, and loved your husband wisely. I pray that I worked hard and lived smart. I hope that you will not look back and think, "I should have done...", "I would have gone...." and "If only I had listened....".

I pray that your heart is at peace with the decisions I have made so far and the ones that I shall make. That you will look back to a life of no regrets. That you will see a life full of well thought out issues, un-rushed resolve and forgiven mistakes. I know I am not perfect now and neither will you be, but I do hope you have inspired young people somewhere. If not out in the world, at least your own. To a place better than they would have been without you. That you have not disappointed those that should have mattered with things that shouldn't have mattered.

You will look back at moments like today or last week or last month and wonder "what was all that about. Was the stress you had even worth it?". I hope the answer is no. So that I can feel silly .... and smile foolishly. I wish you could come and tell me everything will be just fine. That all the fears I have now are unfounded. That there is nothing to deter me. I know it won't be sunshine and roses but I wish you could come and tell me there's a lot more sunshine and roses beyond today. Beyond tomorrow.

But most of all, I am hoping you remain true to yourself, to your loved ones and most of all, to God.

Break up motions

You hope that some day the feelings will go away. I mean they are just feelings, right? And feelings are meant to come and go. They are not meant to linger quietly waiting for lonely moments. Vulnerable moments. You have been as stoic as you can be. No tears shall be seen from you. You are bigger than that. You have told your friends vaguely what happened and listened to them trash every bad thing that ever happened. Blaming him for every fault and insult the very ground his mother walks on.

You go to every club event, you wear eye whitener just before your favourite eye liner and tell yourself that you shall not even think about him. You were always at your best and he still left. He's an ar*e and that type have a special place in hell waiting for them. You vow off men. You dance until morning and work until night time. You do everything to make sure you don't even have a minute to yourself. You blame the insomniac days on the stress at work and your lethargic heart on all the partying. You have stopped listening to Adele, The Script and it is getting to a point Kigeugeu gets you to a point of murderous rage or insurmountable self pity. Only loud music in louder places from now on.

When you go home, you drown your pain in bottles of wine, you invite friends over and listen to mindless chatter. You need to be alone but you refuse to face the consequences of loneliness. You want to prove to them that you are fine with everything but most of all, you need to prove it to yourself. You avoid every mention of his name like a plague, you never go any where you ever went, even anywhere you just passed through once by mistake. You refuse to admit that even the slightest memory hurts.

That is until the inevitable happens; a friend mentions his new relationship, you bump into his mother who zealously hugs you, you see his car on the other side of the street. Suddenly everything you have worked so hard to contain, goes spiralling out of control. Right there in the middle of everything. In the middle of fake smiles and useless banter, amidst a world that seems to have moved on in your pain, you finally admit to yourself that you are falling apart. That inside you are shredded and torn.

At that moment is when you let the pain take over you like a tidal wave. If you are lucky, you find a quiet private place to let it all out, but in some unlucky cases, fate just lets you feel it right there. In front of a bewildered audience. Like a bad show without a story line and too much inexplicable emotion.You let all the good times mix with the bad times. You let the laughter he created blend with the pain he caused. You allow all his beauty to merge with his ugliness. That moment you wish for him like an addict. It takes all your will power and sometimes, your friends' willpower to stop you from doing something stupid and ridiculous, like calling him drunk or falling asleep outside his apartment.

But it was a break-up and you know it was the right thing to do. You know keeping his number won't do you any good. You know holding to a painful grudge will hurt you more than him, you know if it was as good as you imagined, it would have lasted longer. You know it was never your fault. Maybe his. But never entirely your fault. You know life happens even to the best of women. But time heals all wounds, and the day you realise that, is when you begin to truly heal.

I saw you screaming,
when no one can hear,
you always feel ashamed that someone could be that important
that without them you feel like nothing.
no one will ever understand how much it hurts,
you feel hopeless,
but nothing can save you,
and when its over and its gone,
you almost wish that you could have that bad stuff, so you can have the good.
Rihanna - We Found Love (Preamble)