Her addiction II

Sarah looked at the time. Surely it couldn't already be 2.34 a.m. Like every club on an end month weekend, it was packed and sweaty. The heat in the room was making her more drunk than she already was. At least she thought it was. She knew if she got any more intoxicated, she would start driving towards her heart's direction and she knew that was a bad idea. A terrible idea in fact.

She needed a breath of fresh air. She needed to sober up. She reached into her purse. Grabbed a cigarette and her phone and stumbled through the crowd towards the parking. She took a deep breath. You could always find fellow smokers in the parking. It's where they hang out to clear their minds with nicotine. She smiled at a fellow smoker, he leaned in, helped her light her cigarette and then went back to his own thoughts. No need for verbal conversation. No one wanted it anyway.

She looked around. There was a couple, directly in front of her, trying to hide their mistakes behind some car. Or maybe the needed the support of the adjacent wall. The girl clung on clumsily to her 'man'. Her legs trying to wrap around him unsuccessfully. Her moans sounding more like a tortured farm animal than a sexy goddess. The guy groped drunkenly about her. Like he needed to find treasure quickly in the dark. And maybe he did. Who knew what he had to get back to or what he was running away from. She watched them eat at each other for a while then leaned back on the car behind her and took another drag of her guff.

Another couple stumbled past her. The girl could barely stand. She could barely hold her limbs to her body. She stopped a few steps away and threw up her whole life on the streets. There was no shame in hospitals...or in bars. The drugs always take you over. Always. She winced. Not out of disgust. But out of pity. They headed towards a taxi. You didn't need to be a genius to know the girl's night may have just ended. But the guy's....his was just about to take a turn for the better...hopefully. He bundled her into the back seat and jumped in after her. That taxi man was going to have an interesting night. She mused to herself. The phone beeped its last dying breath. Thank God. She couldn't make any regretful phone call today. 2.46 a.m. It was time to go home.

Her best friend came stumbling out of the crowd. Her clothes clung to her like they'd been painted there. No one had Mindy's style. No one even got what Mindy's style was. "My ride's here" She always referred to her husband as her ride. He was from another company shin dig that Mindy had long since refused to attend. She never quite told him that she stopped attending because his boss had hit on her. Mindy really wanted her husband to keep his job. He was great at it. And if it meant him getting a little pissed because she did not attend some event or other, then so be it. Mindy grabbed the cigarette from her mouth and took a drag "Your purse is safe. Call when you get to safety" She smiled and staggered towards her husband.

She looked back into the club. She missed him terribly. Much more than she was willing to admit. They hadn't spoken since they "took time off". That man would be the death of her. One last drag and it was time to crush this night. She grabbed her purse, said the expected final goodbyes to an assorted group of acquaintances and strangers and squeezed her way back to clarity.

3.58 a.m. A text came in. "Can I come in for coffee?"
She rolled her eyes. Her whole body, her mind, the pit of her very soul, said Hell, no. However her fingers; "How far away are you?" She cursed loudly at her phone. How did her phone get charged? Where was her mind when she was switching on her phone? She rolled out of bed into the bathroom. Her head had developed a audible buzz in her sleep. She was sure he would hear it when he came in. Damn his hold on her to hell. She widened her eyes in the mirror. They had the clarity of way too much gin. Maybe a shot of tequila. She brushed her teeth and tried to look decent. She couldn't imagine why she tried. At this hour, he was not even going to notice.

She sensed him long before he got to the door.

"Hey beautiful?" There was that impossible smile.
She smiled back. Yes, this man would be the death of her. Then she let him in.

Re-defining my reality

" There are 2 defining moments in a man's life; The day he is born and the day he knows why." Paraphrased from somewhere on the net.

I always thought I knew why I was put on this earth. Get born, pass exams, get a great job, procreate, educate, retire and then go to meet my maker. It sounds quite simple when I write it down. Quite doable. Almost surreal. Until I woke up, smelled the mess that my life was slowly becoming, and realised that I don't want it any more. I don't care much about a scripted life well lived.

One question I always struggle with during interviews was "Who are you?", "Describe to us who you are." It always baffles me. I used to ask people what they usually say. Something that sounds profound but not a lie. (Let's not kid ourselves...very few of us have any depth to be profound.) Do you describe your skill sets(I am well educated and qualified), do you tell them about how you cared for your dead dog until it passed on (I am a caring and thoughtful person), do you talk about your great grandmother who is still going strong (my strong genes will serve your company way into my old age)or do you tell them the truth:

"I am an ambitious disloyal future employee who is only here because your company has better terms and conditions than my previous employer. I am going to lie to you about who I truly am because you give me more money to invest in my own business, your company appearing on my CV also gives me a better chance of moving on up and I like your location. I have never helped another human being other than myself and I do not think that once I make management I will treat my 'inferiors' like human beings. However I will kiss a*se until I achieve what I truly want"

No one wants to hear the truth. But I am tired of telling lies so I struggle to put a smile on my face and answer questions about things I don't care about and talk about who I think they should hire. Another person who probably has the qualities they want but few of which I ever desire to have. Another person out there who is better placed but who did not write soon enough or who is not as well educated or not as well connected.

So I have stopped applying for jobs. At least until I am sure that when I am next asked that question, I will not lie about who I am and why I want to be in that position. It's getting to that point I need to know who I am and why I am. Was this it? This job that seems to be giving me nothing but lifestyle diseases. Where my only ambition is the next pay rise, the next higher paying job, the next impossible employer? So what happens when it comes to a dead end one fine day, will I look back and be pleased by who and what I have become so far.

I have nothing against ambition. Until a couple of months ago, I was a creature driven by nothing but ambition. You not only have to be better than everyone else, but also better than yourself. Isn't that what ambition teaches us....that you should always be better, that you're still not the best you can be? You have not yet bought your ultimate car, you have not yet reached your dream position, you do not live in your dream location. I have started having serious doubts about that school of thought. If I am falling sick now without the "things" I desperately crave for, imagine what it will be like when I finally get them.

Don't get me wrong; I still want that BMW and an address in the hills where I only know my neighbours by stories on the news and articles in the paper. But I am not sure I like what I need to give up for this. That I have to sell my soul, my family and my life to get it. That after all is said and done, I will look back, decades from now and see only toes I've stepped on, children I've disappointed, spouses that have been abandoned and a job that pays me millions.

I am slowly coming to terms that chasing after things and stuff might not be my destiny. That there might be something bigger in store for me. If only I am willing to wait for it. I am at peace with this and I think with the peace that comes with that realisation, I might and probably will find out who I am in society. What my position is truly supposed to be If it is to be a powerful force in society then so be it, if it is not, then I am still good with that. However, I do know one thing, this, right here, where I have to lie daily about who I am, this is not my destiny.


(Bumped across this courtesy of Kandutsie)

In other news, I think I have finally found my song.....tihi!

Her addiction

She looked around her well furnished apartment, and sat with her legs crossed on the carpet. She had done well for herself, she thought. She was in her tracks and a t shirt. A remnant from a relationship so long ago she sometimes forgot his name. But it was the most comfortable thing she owned. She'd left work early. In her line of work, leaving before dark was early. She was pleased, she had experienced rush hour traffic. She hadn't sat in rush hour for a long time and it was oddly refreshing. She had come home and cleaned and scrubbed and dusted and brushed. It was good to breath in your own space. A space she almost couldn't remember why she had it.

But as she sat there with her legs crossed on her luscious carpet, flipping channels aimlessly, she thought about her empty fridge and wondered what people did when they got home early. She picked up her phone from the table. A phone that only received official calls. A phone that had all but forgotten long ago how to flirt, how to loose charge in long meaningless conversations, how to stay up all night hoping to get that one call. It had all but forgotten, how to be fun. Suddenly, she just wanted to get out. Leave this empty house that she lived in.

So she scrolled down her phone book.Finally she got the number she was looking for. Her addiction for a long time. She hadn't dialled the number in a longer time.But she dialled it from memory.

"Hey"
"Hey, babe. How's it going? It's been a long time."
"I know. Work. You know how it gets. What you up to tonight?"
"Nothing. Just chilling in the digs. You?"
"Not much. You want some company?"
He smiled on his end. She could here it. "Sure. What do you have in mind?"
"Dinner. Anywhere with a view. Preferably not a bar"

His idea of a view was looking at scantily dressed women. Her idea of a view was looking at bright lights and passing foot traffic. A delicate balance but one they could work out. One they had always been able to work out.

He suggested the place. "Our place" She smiled. No matter how old they got, how rarely they spoke, it felt like that was just "our place".

"See you in an hour"
" No problem. I'll be scoping the scenery while I wait."
"Hehe. Ofcourse"
She hang up. It was just like old times.

She took a little longer in the shower, took a little more care in her dressing than usual, maybe stared at herself in the mirror for a second longer than she intended. She took a deep breath. It had definitely been a while since she had seen a man out of work. Even just a friend. But it was even longer since she had seen this man. She felt a little out of her element. She didn't even know why she cared.

He was by the balcony. A perfect corner for him to look in at the "scenery" and good enough for her to look out at her bright lights and foot traffic. The conversation was light. Almost like they had been together forever. The laughter was loud and uncontrolled, the food was great. No need to nibble at leaves, and be pretentious with unpronounceable foods. They ate heartily and drank freely. The silences were comfortable, the conversation flowing. Just like old times. This was definitely more comfortable than rush hour traffic..she thought and not for the first time.

"There's no food in the fridge." She said after a moment of staring too long into the street lights.
He was a bit taken aback. He approached the next words cautiously. Like a trainer in a lion's den. "What do you mean?."
She gave him a half smile, then looked back out, "I don't want to buy food for an empty house any more."
"You could always come and buy food for my house instead."
She chuckled. "We tried that once. I remember it not being this much fun."
"I know"
"What if I get old and then regret being so comfortable alone?"
"You won't. You're beating men off with a stick."
"I lost my stick when I started working 4 million hours a week."
He smiled sympathetically at her. "You'll be fine."
"I know. I just sometimes wonder if I made the right choice."
"I know."

They sank back into their comfortable silence.She went back to her lights and he went back to commenting on his "view". They bantered on for a couple more minutes and reminisced on old times, new times, future times. The chemistry had always been comfortable. For a few moments, she forgot why they never did work out.

At the end of it all, he covered the bill and walked her to her car. Maybe his lips slipped, maybe it was intentional. She didn't care. She needed to feel like her life hadn't been swallowed by other circumstances. Old habits. Comfortable habits. his hands began to do their walk, her body began to dance to his song.

Then suddenly she pulled back. Deep breath. Before his hands wandered too far. Before her mind wondered too much. She remembered why she couldn't go back. She was an addict and eventually she would have nothing in her life but him. Their chemistry was not comfortable. It was explosive. It was dangerous.

"That was another life and that life hurt."
He leaned back on the car next to her. "I know."

She hated that he understood her. That he always knew her. Maybe that was why she was addicted. She looked at him intently. He let her lips brush his one last time. He whispered "I'm sorry." Then she got into her car and decided she would buy food for her fridge.

5 Things to be thankful for.

As I prepare to start my entry into another year into my life and hopefully a new phase of my life (I say this early so that you can start preparing gifts for November....I do not hint, I just call it as it is.), I have to sit and think about the good things in my life. When we were kids, we used to sing out loud "Count your blessings, name them one by one...and it will surprise you what the Lord has done." Very powerful words from very powerful lungs. So today I take a few minutes to talk about the few things I'm thankful for:

1. Life:
I have had a random year and this year more than most, alot of it has shown on the surface. In places and ways that I'd rather it didn't. But I have to be thankful for life. If only to try and fix the wrongs and to bask in the good that has happened so far. And I have to say, so far so good. Everyday is a new day to do new things and have new experiences. Isn't life great like that?

2. Intelligence and Sanity:
Intelligence is what got me into business and sanity is what kept me from falling apart during its rough patches. Intelligence got me to where I am today and sanity has kept me from bursting people's knees at the office. Intelligence is good. It helps people take me seriously. It's what's going to take me to the next step as I plan to take over the world, one day at a time at a time. Sanity is however what's going to keep me from overworking, over stressing and over analysing.

3. Family and friends:
There's a fine line between family and friends. (Proverbs 18:24-A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.) For the laughter and tears. For the support and advice, for the good and bad. For understanding and persevering. I am not sure if I am easy to love, but it is good to be grateful for the ones who love me....even when the world seems to go abit of center. But mostly for unknowingly being there through the darker days.

4. For health and wealth:
It is easy to forget about this when you are healthy and rich. But I read somewhere "Pray for rain even in the springtime" meaning, you should never forget that dry times do come even when you are at the height of your game. I am currently flat broke but I can still be thankful that my family members steal the car and fuel it, that I get fed at work and so the sting is not all bad. And anyway seasons come and go. Tough people last, tough times don't etc etc. So for the fact that God has promised that I can always bounce back, although ungracefully, I am thankful.

5. For strong men:
There's a reason this is not under friends and family and here is why. I think men are an under-rated species especially by women. As an only girl, I tend to take men for granted quite easily. However, I have gotten my strongest backbone, toughest skin, softest shoulder and most critical advice from men. They have been a support system that cannot go unmentioned. They have been mentors, protectors, lovers, friends and much more. I have been lucky enough to know more than a few good men.

Last but not least, I am thankful for God, without Him, I would not have 5 things to be thankful for.

New discovery

Just quite by accident I have discovered this spoken word artist. and then was introduced to another who you'll see at the end of this post.
Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter ... | Video on TED.com
The above link is to her TED talks. I've always wanted to go to a TED talks if for nothing else to be near greatness. Hope you enjoy.






Even the white men can do it... :)

Women are psychos

Now, when I was younger, I was told that mad men only chase down light skinned girls. So you can imagine naturally, I am quite afraid of insane men. However I was watching a movie:"The Legend of Bagger Vance" that made me think, "Maybe I have been hanging out with mad women all my life":

(This scene takes place mid golf tournament. Matt is about to take a shot, swing, kick....well whatever its called)Please read this with a rich Southern drawl.It'll be more interesting.)

Charlize: We need to talk!
Matt: This is not a good time.
(Grabs his hand and drags him to the bushes)
Charlize: Where were you for the last 10 years. No phone call. I deserved at least some sort of correspondence. (15 minutes of words that went more or less the same...) You didn't even say sorry.
Matt: I'm sorry.
Charlize: Sorry? Sorry? It's too late for sorry.
(Me: baffled!)
Matt: Then what do you want me to say. I am truly sorry.
Charlize: (Bites her lip) This is not the right time for this conversation.
(Stomps off)
Matt: (Stands there probably thinking "I thought I said that half an hour ago)

Now if the above conversation makes perfect sense to you, then you are probably a woman. Because that's how we think. A thousand unfiltered words a minute. And most times we are not even sure when those words will just come stumbling out of the cellars and scar humanity.

They say that insanity is described as doing the same thing over and over again in the exact same way and expecting different results. Now no one does this better than a woman. I'm not here to batter women with their own rolling pins but there are days I look in the mirror and wonder "WTH is wrong with you? Is logic not sold at your kiosk?" But we are natural nags, so it goes without question that we would nag an issue into submission, Its not that the situation has changed, its just that we are insane and some situations (read, men) are afraid of being rubbed badly by your insanity. If food is bad today, cooking it in the same way tomorrow will not make it any better. So same rule applies to all situations. If loving a man today does not make him love you back, loving him in the same exact way tomorrow....well....no, just don't do it.

Then there's the "we need to talk..." that we are just soooo big on. Girls, unless its unplanned pregnancy or you have a fatal disease, a talk is never that badly needed and we know it. The only reason men finally accept to come to the "talk" is because until it happens, all the conversations thay will ever have will start with the ill-fated "we need to talk" Worst part is that most of the time the conversation is mundane. A break-up should never start with that sentence. A more direct, "I think we are going in different direction....it's not me, it's you" would work much better. Maybe we should consider trying another statement that would put them abit at ease seeing as years and years of using this line have yet to work their magic. Let's try "Hey, babe...dinner tonight." That should get him running towards you rather than away from you.

Judging from the very, very few "we need to talk" conversations that I've had, women seem to have an infinite ability to talk to themselves. Yes, he will show up and yea he will sit there pretending to pay attention but you might as well be talking to the blank wall. Only mad men and women talk to themselves for hours on end and expect a reply. So not to call myself insane or anything, but it's gotten to a point, I feel its easier to talk to myself and find solutions than to frustrate myself and still not find solutions. I think it is perfectly sane to believe so. Don't you?

Our mood swings are also anything but normal behaviour. One moment you're high on excitement and delirium, the next, you're wailing like a bereaved woman (Disclaimer: I promise I do not do that. Promise. :-) We lack emotional stability of any kind. I am starting to think that perhaps every woman should be allowed to carry a tranquillizer to control her emotions. Stablise her and maintain her sanity. It is a perfectly honest request. Screaming in meetings, stomping off because dishes have not been washed in the last 25 minutes, beating a man with a gift he may have thought very keenly about and screaming "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME." Not normal behaviour people. Not normal behaviour.

But in our defense, insecurity makes a woman more psycho than normal. Put her in a place where she feels she needs to defend her territory and she will scratch your eyes out so that she can sit by your bedside cleaning your wounds. As long as you are within a place she can watch you, she will be perfectly sane. Because, let's be honest, a woman's psyche is more often pegged on the kind of men she has around her at the time. So you have to accept, women are psychos but men are bastards. That's how the balance is maintained in the universe. If at least one part of the species was near normal, the world would tip on its axis, and then where would we be after that?

I will not even go into the torture we put ourselves through when dressing. Comfort is clearly never an option with alot of us....well, that's a story for another day.