The Bride

Never sunshine without a little rain,
Never light without darkness,
There's no definition of joy without sadness,
And where a smile brightens, a tear may have surely fallen

The Groom
He held her hand. He didn't want to hold it as tightly as he did. But with every passing moment, he held it tighter. She was so cold. All he wanted to do was warm her up. Suddenly his hand felt too small. It wasn't doing what he wanted it to do.The bed was too small for body warmth and anyway he didn't want to crush her. He didn't want to make the situation worse. The wedding was dated for this weekend. 3 days away. Was. He needed to send out apologies. He just did not have the strength to explain it. Maybe they watched it on the news or read it in the paper.

He couldn't lose her. He didn't want to lose her. He hadn't left the bedside in 4 days. Not since they had come crushing through the emergency room. He willed her everyday to speak, to laugh, to smile. Not to give him this emotionless, calm fce that he was looking at. All he wanted was for her to wake up.

Mother of the Bride
She stood at the window clutching a blanket and stared blankly into the room. She had promised him a blanket.He refused to leave the room. A room she had come to call her home. She had been unable to pray. She had been saved for the last 2 decades and now she didn't seem to remember how to pray. Her women's group had called. Everyday since the incident they called. To say they were on 24 hour prayer watch. She never replied, she never spoke, she just listened. She was dead inside. It felt like her energy had flowed out of her 4 days earlier. Her tears were flowing freely. She wasn't crying out loud and wailing, she just didn't seem to control her tears. So she let them flow. She let them flow for her.

Father of the Bride
He had been pacing up and down the accountant's office. He was annoyed. He was annoyed that the accountant was not moving fast enough, he was annoyed that the doctor hadn't been able to fix his daughter, he was annoyed that the idiot drunk then run her car off the road, was still alive somewhere probably still getting drunk, but mostly he was annoyed at himself. At how helpless he felt. He replayed that night over and over and over. He couldn't understand. She had come home for dinner. She was moving back in for the last week to the wedding. The last week before she belonged to someone else. She was his only daughter. His only child.
He was the next of kin. He had to deal with the technical stuff and they were slower than retards on drugs. It was all he could do not to punch someone. His wife was acting so much stronger than him. He felt ashamed.
He needed her to wake up so that he could sleep. He needed them to wake her up.

The BestMaid
She couldn't take leave from work. They didn't consider her best friend a family member so according to the forces that be, this didn't count. She was developing a routine. A routine that prevented her from falling apart. She was crushing. She was dying slowly. She hadn't cried. Not since the call had come through. When he had been screaming deranged that she was in hospital and he couldn't wake her up. She was on her way to his house. He said. It was all his fault, he had screamed. She didn't even bother to change from her night clothes. Her husband had woken up confused. Running after her as she jumped into the driver's seat.
The bridal gown had arrived today. It was gorgeous. She walked into the emergency room and all she wanted to do was tell her about it. She came every day after work and told her about her day and discussed fabric and cake samples. She talked about current affairs and what was happening on the grapevine.
She had heard that people in comas still hear. She wanted her best friend to know that people cared. That she had something to come back to.

The Bride
It was so peaceful here.So quiet. So undisturbed. It was a nice place to be. She could hear people in the distance. But she really couldn't make out what they were saying. She recognised the voices though. She knew them. She could feel they were saying something important but she couldn't make out what it was. Maybe she should walk towards the voices. It might be important to hear. It might be important to understand.She wondered where her father was. He'd like it here. So would her mum. Maybe she should ask them to join her. She thought about her boyfriend. She smiled. But it was so peaceful. She felt like she could rest here. Like really rest. She didn't know how she got here. But she was glad she did.
She needed to walk back to the voices. They were getting louder. She really should walk back. But she sat down instead. She needed to feel this peace for just a little longer. She would go back later.

Girl Power

"My persuasion can rule the nation" Watch the video. Never has there been a more blatant display of girl power. No heart break, no whining and pouting lips just a declaration that women run this town.

In church, its been all about the power of the woman this month. You don't realise what power you have until you have been told about it. At least I was not too sure about it until I heard it told to me. Whine on the phone and get Mr. Man to rush home with the milk and a kg of roast, Bat your eyelids and put on the smile and get the shopkeeper to give you freebies with your tomatoes. Twist your hair and hike your skirt up abit and you might just be able to hand in your assignment late. We're a combination of Superman and Prof X in a tight little pretty package.

But we have taken power to a new level. A more positive level. We do run this town. We have Stella Kilonzo doing a stellar job at the Capital Markets Authority, Betty Murungi, rocking her fabulous hair at the Kenyan Human Rights Commission and Olive Mugenda who has taken Kenyatta University to whole new level. Setting the example.

(She goes with out saying. Read about her here)

It is with pride that I look up and see what I can become. If those women can do it with quiet dignity, why can't we? There are a few things that every woman needs to know. Things that will make you woman enough to run this town. One or five positive attributes that can get you there without stepping on toes in your Minello Stilettos.

1.God focused:
Your belief drives you. Your God guides you. A prayer a day never hurt anyone. It never refused to put food on the table or slowed down your focus. Whether you believe it or not, God does push you that extra mile that you don't have strength for. He does give you grace to withstand the forces that may be put up against you and the patience to look unblinkingly into a future that does not seem all that bright.

2. Others focused:
"Our influence is useless unless it is others centered"
An attitude that shouts me, me, me never got anyone anywhere. At least not how they wanted to get there. You might end up powerful but who wants to get rich alone? Who want to reach at the top lonely? A selfish attitude leads to an eventual life of loneliness. Help others and they will be instrumental to getting you to the next level. No matter how small the gesture, someone, somewhere will remember. In your time of need, they'll remember that lady who stood up for me, who gave me a lift, who gave me a job, who listened to my troubles. Ladies, we have trouble with the concept of selflessness...I should know. But we can change. Try it out and see how improved your quality of life will be.

3.Be informed:
Let us be honest. We don't watch sports, we hardly read the paper and we don't watch the news. International news gets to us months later and usually as a caption in one of those fashion magazines at the salon. The information we get is usually fifth hand and like in a game of broken telephone, usually very, very broken. We can't make an impact using information passed down from an 18th source. When people of influence around you talk, try and listen. If the market in China crushes, ask yourself how it affects you and your business. Find out. Read and understand. Continuously be informed.

4. Wisdom:
She who desires wisdom, should just ask. For the Lord shall give it to you with abandon. Where there is wisdom, there is no need to make great shows of strength. We need to understand we are not men. We lack physical body strength. And we tend to counter that by being blonde and ill informed instead of making wise decisions. You don't have to be illiterate to be blonde. And blonde ails us as women. Make your business decisions using your head and not your heart. Listen to your 6th sense before you jump onto any deal. Consult the people in the know if you are feeling unsure of something. Like they say, "Common sense is sometimes not so common" and in women it's because our wisdom stems from our emotions as opposed to our facts.

5. Be brave and courageous:
Women are cautious by nature. Sometimes excessively so. Timidity might just be what's holding you back. If you have everything else, all that is left is to jump in. No looking back. If men can do this with reckless abandon, why can't we do it with cautious abandon? Our ability to see all the results and our 6th sense should be able to let us sail through any and all decisions we make. We have the ability to persevere longer than men so we can see a business idea grow and blossom into something great.

If you remember nothing else, remember this:
Acknowledge your power. It is in every woman and you can never reach it unless you acknowledge it's presence.
Bring it out. It is only any good if you decide to create an impact.
Confess. Women are good manipulators. We need to harness our power for good instead of the evil we are prone to. Be sorry for your past transgressions and be willing to change.
Direct it. Know your targets, know your dreams. Use your power.

Girls everywhere, Unite!

"She may only be one but she can influence her whole world"
(Inspired by Pastor Janet Mutinda from 1 Samuel 25)

If it really ended today...

If the world did end today, 21.05.2011 as predicted, what would I want to do different?Where would I want it to end, how would I want to remember my existence? What I want to leave behind as my legacy? Most probably I wouldn't be blogging or thinking the thoughts I'm thinking now. I probably wouldn't have driven 20 kms to do something I would regret.I probably would have watched a movie, hang out with the people I love the most and hopefully loved me back and dress comfortably preparing for take off.

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you knew the exact moment in life that would be your last. Who would you declare your undying love to? Who would you run over with your car? Who would you want to spend your last moments with? Who would you have your last laugh with? Who do you want there when you shed your last tear?

I have to admit that my life has been less than ideal up til now and the more I live it, the more I think I get worse at it. It's like I understand more and yet somehow live less. I wonder if I believed I would still be as scared as I am. As confused. As regretful. Would I allow myself to think like this?

Paulo Coelho said, "Don't live every day as your last, live it like the first!"

But if I knew the world was ending today, if I truly believed, I would have loved more, I would have let myself be loved. I would have opened my heart to more possibilities, I would have been more decisive, I would have voiced my opinion, I may even have said No! more often. I would have asked for forgiveness and I would have given it back. I would like to leave this world with no regrets, no fears, no shame.

I might have bunjeed off the Zambezi, I might have traveled to Ghana and bought amazing fabric and made amazing clothes, I might have gone to South Africa and shopped til I dropped, I might have lazed on the beaches of Seychelles, collected shoes from Italy, eaten in France....

I did make a significant change in my life so I guess I'm at peace with myself and I really hope God is at peace with me. But the regrets remain. They do not burn in fires made of sticks and papers.....I wish they did. But the world may or may not end today for most of us. But I do hope that everyday I wake up, I don't wake up with old regrets but with new begins.

If you believed that today was truly the end, what would you do different? Would I say goodbye to yesterday?


Song on my mind...

Almost a decade on...lakini wapi!!!

I hear men are born knowing how to drive. Not just how to drive but how to drive manual. stick, clutch, brake, gears, hill balancing and the whole shebang. I am living proof that driving is not genetic, it's gender-insensitive. If it was genetic, I would be a fabulous driver. I would turn and park and reverse like an F1 driver. I would drive like the rest of my family. With the ease and calmness it requires not the rash and frayedness that I display.


So yesterday, Number3 calls and tells me to pass by Junction and get him yorghurt. Simple enough. All I have to do is pass by on my way home and get yorghurt. Right? Wrong.So wrong. Usually when I'm parking, I look for wide open spaces then swing into the space like an 18 wheeler. Only wide circles are done by yours truly. Unfortunately, the parking lot was amazingly full. My heart stopped. how now? I hate this situations. No swinging space. No wide open spaces. What was I gonna do? Then, the opening came. The miracle I was waiting for. Right when I needed a space, a Range rover reversed out. Not this new fancy ones that are specifically built to fit into parking spaces. I mean the huge Vogues that were the size of a small sized canter and had bodies of hard steel.I was in a car barely half the size with a steering that could make the car turn on the spot. I could hear Hallelujahs and bright lights.

Clearly someone somewhere saw the need
So there I am, waiting patiently as this beast turned out. Smiling at myself for my good fortunes. That space must be huge. That was until I tried to park my little car. Now, if you have seen me park, it is quite an amazing scene. I am one of those girls who ends up on youtube in ridiculous predicaments. So I stared at this space for a few moments and then took in a deep breath and swung in or rather slowly, very slowly creeped in.


Now this would all be fine if I started driving last month or if I had one of those cars with those big caution signs up top which tell you "New Crazy Driver behind the Wheel" but I have been at this for 9 and a half years. 9 and a half years of which I cannot park forward, let alone reverse into a parking(oh! how I hate reversing) Now if the fate of the world was dependent on my reversing into a parking, we would all be doomed. The world would truly end on Saturday.

It took about 3 minutes to get into the parking space. 3 whole minute and I still couldn't get out because I was way too close to the next car. I wasn't about to reverse back and try to park properly because from past experience, that particular stunt has never worked.So I thanked God for the ability to suck in my stomach, the fitness to jump over to the passenger seat and the grace to allow me to be alone in the car this one time.

He's called Leo

That made me wonder why men are so great at this driving business and I am just so terrible. The worst part is that I actually enjoy driving. I love the power of my small engine, the control of my simple steering wheel but for some reason, I can never get the hang of it. It is ridiculous. Especially since I come from a family of such proficient drivers.(probably because they are all male!)

Let me give you a brief breakdown:

Number 1: The man who I got all my genes from. All of them other than my driving gene, which I think I got from an old ancestor who used to call the train, a metal snake. He is amazing behind the wheel. He has taught everyone I know how to drive.
His weakness:Other than a small feud he has with various kerbs in the city(he keeps driving over them with a determined vengeance), he has hardly ever had an accident or incident. Oh, maybe a small incident where he reversed into a ditch near our garage.

Number 2: Now this man can park a truck into a space fit for a bottle top. He reverses, parallel parks, squeezes, pushes, pulls and folds into any space that is available. Meet his baby sister, I couldn't park a bottle top into an open field if I was given a binoculars and a compass. I'm terrible at any activity that does not just let me step on the accelerator and move in a forward direction.
His weakness: His only problem behind the wheel is an inability to concentrate when he's driving forward.Hold onto your seat, buckle up and maybe tie a rope for good measure. If you need to be there in 20 minutes, he'll probably get you there in 2.

Number 3: You should see this child behind the wheel. I never drive when he's around. Why would I? He's careful, consistent and all those things that I am not. He drives like superman flies.....so naturally, so smoothly. Like he glides over the road on little amazing clouds. I trust him with my life.
His weakness: Other than picking on his father's love for the kerbs, I am yet to find a problem with him.

Then comes in me and Mrs. Number 1.Well, the Mrs, has had decades of experience on me and being prim and proper, she drives in a prim and proper fashion. We wait at junctions til the road clears, we sit by the lights on an empty road til they turn green, we never cut in or drive over 50 in a 50kph area. She's the total opposite of Number 2. If you so both of them drive, you would never believe they are related.

I am so sure my driving part is much bigger than that
Now, I will admit that occasionally I have the urge to stick an L sign on my car and let the rude drivers do what they may. but Number 1 never let any of us put them even when we were just starting out (he doesn't believe in such sissy behaviors)so you can imagine his shock and embarrassment if he walked out and saw a big red L sign on my wind screen. Instant heart attack. I'm sure there are times he watches me drive out and wonders what he did wrong. I guess I cant lay claim to all talents. All I can do is hope that my lack thereof doesn't finish me before May 21st.


Parting shot to all women out there: It is perfectly fine not to get out of your car at the petrol station. Let men not cheat you that it is important to walk out every time you park next to the pump. You can see the pump by simply turning your head, you can see where they are putting fuel by angling your side mirror correctly. For the longest time, I thought it was absolutely important to get out of the car. Men can be so strange sometimes!!!

I Will Wait For You/ Almost

Sometimes all you need to do is believe.

Today, I won't write my own post. I'll write someone else's. I'm generally disillusioned to marriage and the whole concept. My past with relationships hasn't been all that great so the future sometimes looks bleak. Mostly because of me, sometimes because of them. But every so often I read something that makes me believe.

They Saved Each Other
For most of my life I’ve not been the type of person given to being particularly emotional. I cry at neither weddings or funerals, I rarely lose my temper, and rarely am I happy to the point of jubilation or sad to the point of depression. Feelings and emotions for me have always been completely controllable; tools I use to generate desired responses from individuals I’m in contact with. I’ve been called ‘heartless’ more than a few times in my life, mostly by folks with whom I’ve been romantically involved; when they’ve said it they meant it not as a dig or as something hurtful, but simply as an observation.
I thought about that as I walked into the empty restaurant. The chairs and stools were turned over on the tops of their respective tables, the lights were off, the bar was empty and if I tried, I could probably ice skate on the film of dust covering the floor. Despite all of this, it looked exactly as I’d remembered. I found a broom in one of the closets and began sweeping up as much of the dust as I could. I placed candles along the bar and on all of the tables whose tops weren’t covered by chairs. Finally, placing candles side by side along the floor, I made an aisle that lead from the front door all the way to the center of the restaurant. At the end of the aisle, I pulled down two chairs, placed them next to each other and sat. Looking around at all the lit candles, I was pleased; the place looked exactly as I imagined it would.
Sitting in that chair, I thought about how all those years earlier on a Friday night not unlike this, I sat in the exact same spot fiddling with my phone until she came and sat down next to me. We chatted for an hour or so and as she left I made sure to ask for her phone number. I would not have believed you if you told me then that a few years later I’d be sitting in the same spot at the same restaurant, waiting for her to come sit down next to me, but that this time instead of asking for her phone number, I’d be asking her to marry me. I especially would not have believed you if you told me that this would be possible despite the fact that the restaurant had recently closed.
But here I was. Two weeks earlier I called the restaurant to make a reservation for dinner; at that dinner, I planned to propose. But when I called I got the voice-mail. I called back a couple days later and still, no answer. Finally, after a week of talking to voice-mail, I decided to go there to make the reservation in person. I was shocked to find that Mad28 – the restaurant where I met my soon to be fiancé, had closed. The awning was still there, and the inside was still as it had been, but it was dark and empty. In the window hung a realtor’s sign that said “space for rent” with a phone number. I was disappointed, but already moving on to plan B. Our first date had been to Justin’s (Diddy’s old restaurant) and so I figured I’d carry out the same plan there instead. On a whim, I took down the realtor’s number. Monday morning came, I called the realtor and, of course, got his voice-mail. I left a detailed message saying that I’d met my girlfriend at this restaurant and wanted to propose to her there, but that it was now closed. The next day, he called back. To my surprise, he said he thought this was awesome and that he wanted to help anyway he could. He called the building’s super, convinced him to stay late to open the doors, let me do my thing, and then lock up when I was finished. God is good.
Finally, Friday arrives and everything is in place. I told her we were going to a friend’s birthday party and to meet me on the corner of 29th and Madison Ave to grab something to eat before the party. My phone rang.
Her: Hey, you said 29th and Madison right?
Me: Yep
Her: Ummm, I’m here, and I don’t see you.
She was clearly annoyed.
Me: Oh, my bad, I’m actually one block down … just walk down to 28th.
Her: Urrgghh, o.k.
I hung up and figured she would walk down the block, pass the restaurant, remember that we met there, look inside, see all the candles and then realize what was going on. Not my baby though, blinded into obliviousness by her annoyance, I watch as she walks right past the restaurant without even flinching. My phone rings.
Her: O.K. I’m on 28th and Madison … where are you?
Me: You just walked past me, walk back up.
I hang up the phone before she can respond. Again, I watch as she angrily storms back up the block, right past the restaurant. Picking up my phone, I call her.
Me: Yo, you just walked past me again.
Again, I hang up before she can respond. Sitting in my chair, I watch her as she walks toward the restaurant door, then she stops, looks inside and I see it happen. I see her realize that this is where we met, and that this is where she’s supposed to be. All annoyance instantly vanishes and I can see the nervousness begin to creep from way down deep inside her all the way up into her face. She enters, walks down the aisle of candles and sits in her seat next to me just as she had in our memory. Our words to one another from here are our own so you’ll have to forgive me for not sharing. All you really need to know is that I got down on one knee and she said yes.
After that, we grabbed a quick bite to eat at a restaurant not too far. While eating I asked her if she wanted to swing by Justin’s and have a drink since we’d had our first date there and since it wasn’t too far from where we were.
We got to Justin’s, walked through the door, and just as I planned, all of our friends and family are there to share the moment with us at our surprise engagement party. It was an awesome night.
My last post was about a woman for whom I’ll always be a villain. Today’s post is about being a hero. And while I felt like a hero putting together such an awesome proposal and surprise engagement party, the true hero is my wife. By saying “yes” that day and then eight months later saying “I do,” she saved from my villainy all the Nicole’s I might have known and disappeared on; and she saved me from the abject life one leads when they’re completely disconnected from their ability to feel. Marriage has its ups and downs. Sometimes I’m great, and sometimes I fail. Sometimes she’s great, and sometimes she fails. And while I’m still generally closed when it comes to emotions, she is the conduit through which I am able to experience joy, pain, anger, disappointment, fear, hope, and sometimes … love. Without her, these would all be things I could conceptualize but never really touch or grasp. She saved me, she is my hero.

extract from : Single Black Male http://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/05/13/there-goes-my-hero/

Maybe someday, I'll make someone want to line candles in an empty restaurant. Maybe someday, I'll be one of those girls giggling down the aisle and running home to cook dinner for a loving family. I don't walk around holding my breath though but life is full of uncertainties. And it's those uncertainties that makes life that much more special. Its those uncertainties that make me still want to believe.

Lessons In The Cold...

So I went on a soul searching mission last weekend. It was way more fun than I anticipated. Way, way more fun. So off I went to the cold of Limuru to meditate, internalised, sing and dance. The place was ridiculously cold. Not to mention the fact that I had packed like I was going to the coast instead of the cold, misty Limuru area. Which was strange. I always pack a scarf to go to the coast for "Just in case" BUT there I was with barely a sweater to go to the perpetually cold Limuru....who does that???? Anyway, I did pick up a few literally tit-bits that both amused and made me wonder at the same time:

1.Sin in Haste, Regret in Leisure - Agatha Christie.

Now if there's anyone who loves sinning in haste, it is yours truly. Ok! well, not in recent times but I used to be a rather derailable creature before age caught up with me. There are some things I look back at and think yenyewe "Mungu Alinionekania" (directly translated: For real, God saw on me!). There's so much to regret when we act fast and think little. Youth does that to us. Thinking that we can live with no regrets. No consequences. But if you are going to sin, I guess, you should sin in leisure, that way when you are regretting in leisure, you have some semi-good memories to fall back on. My advice though: Try not to sin at all.

2.If you give what you do not need, that is not giving - Mother Teresa

I always wonder how people end up being quoted, I guess it's by saying profound things like Mother T. Do you just offer help because you are available and in the area or do you do it because you genuinely want to help.I guess some of us, me included, tend to help with the left overs and not with the best. You give out your worst clothes, cook your most basic meals, give out the weakest plants in the garden, offer your services when you are most tired etc etc. You may call it what you want, but what you are doing is off loading excess baggage. Giving is from the heart. Giving is about pure sacrifice.

3. We make a life by what we give - Henry Ford

Not to beat this horse dead but I guess it was suddenly clear to me how little I helped before.Giving should be a part of everyday life. Some of us have more than we need, we just don't plan for it as we should. Giving makes a difference in so many people's lives. It defines who we are. Take last week and Ngendo's family (Read it here). It demonstrated the power of giving and what it can do. Someone somewhere is noticing what you are doing and you shall reap where you have sown.

4. Forgiveness is not for the Forgiven, It is for the Forgiver - Faith Mugera

Now forgiveness is rough on all of us. We want to hold grudges until that person gets hit by a car on a road with unmoving traffic or struck by lightening on a clear sunny day. We want to sit around plotting and praying that some unfeeling woman will step on their toes with stilettos. At the very least, they should experience our pain in double doses. But if you don't forgive, how will you ever heal? When will you ever think of other more important things? Your arch nemesis has already moved on and yet there you are "you hurt me, I will kill you now" like a bad Kung-fu actor. Life is not fair BUT forgiveness does bring peace. If only for that, we should learn the practice of forgiveness.

5. Remember who you are - Mufasa, Lion King

To understand the depth of this you have to watch the clip:



Most of us forget our own greatness. Some of us don't even know of our own greatness. But every time someone puts you down or you feel like you can't go on or think that you could just shoot your stupid neighbour next door, remember this scene and in a deep baritone voice (it has to be deep and baritone) look in the mirror and "Remember who you are. Remember." Because once you give up, you deny the world of your awesomeness.

6. Hii game yenu ni chafu - Some chap on the pitch (Loosely translated: This game of yours is dirty)

Yes, I played soccer. For the first time in never and I must say, my right foot should be insured. I should be ranked right up there with Cristiano and Messi and just maybe Rooney (although I think my skills are way better) It was awesome on that pitch. Soccer is a rough game and I am sorry to have ever called any player a sissy. Although they really should stop diving at every single touch. I hadn't been on a field, any field in a long, long time so it was fun and loose and tiring. And I scored a penalty kick with my amazing right foot. I may never walk right again but " game yangu ni chafu". You best believe.

The Power of Imperfection.

I was watching the movie "Just Go With It" last night. I tend to watch sappy movies when I'm tired and I can't seem to get to sleep(confusion tends to do that to me). In one of the scenes, they were playing this game where you ask each other random irrelevant questions like "If you were a bird, what would you be?" or "would you ever like to be an alien?" or "what colour of the rainbow do you think you are?" and other such things that really get lost on me. Sometimes I wonder who sits down and wonders whether they are cyan, indigo or a bright yellow. Me, I just think I'm badly tanned black person.

Then one of the kids picked one of those mother of questions:

"If you were to be anyone else in the world, who would you be?"

Of course the scene wasn't as dramatic as I'd have liked it to be. With people going into deep monologues (like they were posing in a beauty pageant or something). But then again this was a rom-com and not "Twilight". I was probably the only person who felt the gravity of that question because for the longest time, I wanted to be someone else. Anyone else really would have been fine. Anyone but me. Sometimes I still feel like that. Some days like today.

"If you were given a chance, would you still come back as yourself?"

A lot of times when I was growing up, I wondered what my life would have been like if I had grown up in a different place or went to a different school or had a different lifestyle or just maybe, if I was born as a white person. Blonde, pretty, bright, popular. Just not myself.

I don't know how many people go through a case of identity crisis but I remember mine and it was not a pretty picture. It took more than a little will power to accept who I was. To accept the person I would eventually become. When you get to that point of reckoning, when you finally realize that you are who you are, it knocks you back a bit. Like you had been living someone else's life and you just recently found yourself. Wanting to be someone else or be somewhere else doesn't change that fact that every morning you wake up and look in the mirror, all you will ever see is you.

I am slowly learning to accept who I am. Slowly. I found out rather painfully that it's the only way I will accept who I was meant to be. I have held on to things I shouldn't. I have coveted things that were never meant to be mine and I have wished for dreams that I knew would never be realised. I have even prayed prayers that were not meant to be prayed. At least not be me. But this year, I told myself that I would strive not to lie to myself. Not to deceive myself. I am trying my best to be open with all that I am. The good, the bad and the ugly. Especially the ugly.

I'm not really sure I am satisfied with who I am or with what I have achieved so far. And today I was certainly doubting the person I saw in the mirror. But maybe that doubt is what is causing me not to achieve the things that are truly mine. That uncertainty is what is curbing my true potential. I have not been afraid to be myself in a long time and I had forgotten what a scary place fear creates for me. What a depressingly dark place it is.

I am not perfect. I never will be. But accepting that has also given me a power I never had before. Accepting that sometimes I forget who I really am. Well, I guess that's just who I am. Learning to love every imperfection as it crops up. Learning to accept each personality flaw with absolutely no doubt that it was meant to be. God created a creature of beauty. Maybe I should just accept that and move on.

Today, it may be abit hard to accept who I am. I know I will feel like this for a while. Wishing myself away to a place I don't have to face myself or anyone else for that matter. I should know since I have been there before. That dark place. The only difference between that last time I was there and now, is that now I know who I am. What I am. Who I was meant to be. I may not be perfect but I am liking my imperfections more and more each day. Those imperfections are what make me unique, different even sometimes special.

"Would I still want to come back as myself?"

At this point I probably will not answer a strong "yes" but I can tentatively say I will soon be fine with not wanting to be anyone else. Although I am absolutely sure right now, I don't want to be blonde.

I am who I am. I am me! Nothing, not even myself, can change that.


(Song that was on my mind)