Wednesday, June 30, 2010
I think the part of me that's supposed to do that is broken or at least there are bits there that are not functioning as they should. I have a general bad memory when it comes to people and I do not know whether that makes me a bad person but it will definitely make me a bad HR exec. Could you imagine me sitting behind a HR desk and every single time someone comes to apply for an advance I say "Who are you again?". Terrible stuff!
Anyway, I'm a highly suspicious person when it comes to human relations. I prefer to have few very close friends and the rest of the masses can sit on the side in a faceless amorphous form as I assess their suitability from a reasonable distance(harsh but true). It takes about an hour for me to decide to like someone, about a lifetime for me to believe that they are lovable and if you cross me the wrong way, it'll take about half a second for me to scrap you out and forget you. (ok maybe after half a lifetime of ranting and raving)
My approach to friendship is far from the best laid plan. I have friends who ease into any social situations like a second skin and the reason they have expensive phones is only because the phone book entries can go into the hundreds of thousands. It is an enviable fete. One that I wish I could master but again, I'm lazy and suspicious. Not a great combination by any standards. So every year I make 2 new friends and cross my fingers real hard and hope they don't make me regret it and so far it has been a pretty solid plan with few casualties.
But I think next year, I'll take a new approach and try and gather a few more friends and keep my suspicions at bay. My heart is stopping a bit every time I think about it but life is all about growth. Isn't it? Tell a few jokes, show my good side (the left one), make sure I return their texts and show enthusiasm to all their interests. It shouldn't take that long really. Should it?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
A Time for Everything
1 For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
Do you have those friends who seem to have landed into their dreams a bit earlier than expected? They got a job that pays millions when they can barely manage their daily bus fare, met their future spouse when they can barely control themselves, took over companies pre-maturely before they have a chance to live life like a normal person. It feels like the sun just fell on their laps and your world is still pitch-black.
I know. It's like the best problem in the world. Isn't it?
Until it's your problem and you're wondering what you did wrong. Sometimes I wish I had such a problem. Then I'd probably know where my life was generally headed. But we cannot all be so unlucky to have a life where you keep thinking that if you fail, you are going down with whole corporations and actual dreams and ambitions. Right now, I know if I fail, I only have myself to pick up, dust off and move on.
We all like to think that everything happens in its on good time. But we are human and want everything to happen right now. But have you ever wondered what would happen if suddenly you fell into those multi-millions, met that person of your dreams, suddenly started running that industry or just became president after some strange twist of the universe. What would you do next?? Do you know what step 2 will be?
That's why those people who fall into such luck are not as lucky as we'd like to think. Especially if it happened on them by surprise and that makes it so much easier for them to fail. So, I'm not too sad that I'm not rolling the millions and driving out a 4.6 Hse out of my garage in the leafy suburbs because I have no idea how to handle that life just yet.In a couple of years, hopefully not too many, my time will come. By then, I'll know exactly where to throw all that pomp and glamour.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Hi. By now I have lived a lot longer than you so I know a lot more than you do( I am giving you only 5 seconds to roll your eyes). I am not your mother so I can tell you things directly and hopefully you will listen to me.
You are an intelligent, beautiful girl. You will soon realise that it's both your curse and your blessing. Unfortunately, you may not be able to control either but where it is a blessing, use it to the best of your ability ...where it is your curse, well, we will cross that bridge and burn it when we get to it.
Men are still abit eeew! right now. Shockingly you will get to like them, love them, hate them and then want to burn them. Do not freak out. You are not the same.They are not the same either. Men are not all bad, they may all be idiots, but they are not all bad. It's just a genetic pre-disposition so just take the good and the bad and make the best out of every situation. Shockingly again, they is alot to learn from them. Remember that which does not kill you, makes you strong enough to kill it.
Everyone eventually picks up a drug of choice. Some choose religion, some choose men, some choose career and well some choose actual drugs. If you choose religion. let it be One True God, if it be a man, let it be your one true love, if it be career, let it be your one true passion......if it be politics, there you're on your own. But each drug has its own dangers so choose wisely. If you however try them all as you very well might, just remember, cocaine's a hell of a drug.
Listen to the folks. They may be old and most times they sound like they are losing their minds but no one will ever believe in you as much as those two. You will eventually reach an understanding so just wait out the teenage storm. They taught you a very important lesson. Everything in moderation. Never ever forget it because it will be your saving grace. Use your money in moderation, speak in moderation, indulge in moderation and eat your vegetables and fruits..... in moderation.
Finally, don't forget you only have one life to live. Don't go denying yourself the few joys that life throws your way. Don't repeat over and over something that you will live to regret. No matter how great it is. Try and keep yourself warm. The cold weather has a bone to pick with you. Disease will plague you during the cold season like a bad smell. There is no one else in the world like you so let no one tell you otherwise. Try your best to live a dignified life. Mistakes will be made so don't sweat the small stuff. It will put you in hospital with white people's diseases.
Live life, love hard, laugh loud.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
So I took off at neck break speed in search of Jane. After several false starts and very many wrong Jane's, I finally found the letter that broke her heart:
My Dearest Jane,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Monday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 23th of April at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation,
If the Post Office had lost my reply, I'd be broken hearted on the train too.
(I think I'm digging this new class)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
"Snuff" by Slip Knot
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again
So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can?t destroy what isn't there
Deliver me into my fate
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you
Ooh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your lights
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight
So save your breath, I will not care
I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go
So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away, you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control
Ooh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care don't ever let me know
If you still care don't ever let me know
Well it is mostly true, I was number 1 for like 3 years in Primary, almost number 1 in high school and well campus never graded us like that so I will never know.
I have pretty brilliant folks so I usually don't doubt that at some point they were leading the pack with great margins but why do all parents go out of their way to convince you they were the best?
The answer is simple. Every one wants someone to look up to them especially their own kids. You are their first role model. Even being able to pee inside the toilet bowl like daddy is a great achievement to them. I don't want them to seeing my weaknesses, discovering my failures. To their small innocent eyes, I should be and I am wonder woman. When the kid jumps from the top of the bed, to my husband's (hypothetical husband. lest we get confused) beer belly, I need him to take it like a man and bite his inner lip so that his tears don't flow.
If I am great then the possibility is the mini-me's I brought into this dark and hard world will want to be great. Everyone has made mistakes. Some more than others but I don't need them seeing or knowing them and I especially don't want them repeating history and finding our how bad that decision was and always will be. I need them to believe they are the greatest, the brightest, and a leap away from superman/ wonder woman.
So was I no. 1? Hell yes. Every single time I picked up my pen to that exam, every time I ran in a race, every single time I entered a competition. Hopefully when they are older, they will be bright enough to realise I was lying through my teeth but by then they would really have been number 1 in whatever they did so it really won't matter. i will be too busy beaming in parental pride to care if they realised. I am and will always be number 1.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
If you are a lucky round peg like myself, you have come across a square peg. Some one who sees further than you, thinks such things that most would think impossible, talks about things you can't even begin to comprehend. These lucky square pegs do not conform to society's expectations and rarely follow the usual path laid. They are extremely brilliant and unfortunately are the most unemployable people in society.
Square pegs discovered fire, invented the wheel, created microsoft, programmed facebook, created the engine, invented the bungee chord, discovered sliced bread, etc, etc. They are not many but they do live among us. In their young age, I hear people called them weird because they would day dream all day about a time when they would try out new and wonderful inventions. They hate employment because it restricts their creativity and impedes their thought process. Every time they see something, they try to fit it into their plans and not the other way round.
Some square pegs are smaller than others but in whatever capacity, they still break the mould they were born in. They want to discover if there is something beyond the horizon and more often than not they find it. And because they dare to create their own square holes, they live lives we can only imagine in our wildest dreams. Some we know, some we will only ever hear about. If you are thinking you are a square peg as you read this, I hate to disappoint you. You, just like me, can only wish to have been born that enlightened. Square pegs know themselves from very early on. They don't brag about it, they are mainly loners and would do what they do not for money or fame but for the sheer thrill. Without them we'd all still be living in caves and dying off in winter. Thank a square peg today.
Monday, June 21, 2010
I hardly ever speak my mind. I think about my response, I phrase and rephrase it in my head, I find proper synonyms for all the wrong, hurtful words and finally when I open my mouth.........all the wrong words come out. I console myself by saying that my mind is much much faster than my mouth and so if I say what I really meant to say in the first place, I'd trip all over my words and wouldn't make sense anyway.
That is a lie! I'm afraid that my words will hurt someone else or that people's opinion of me will change or that they won't understand the gravity of what I'm trying to say or some other reason that barely makes sense. That's why I'm amazed by people who speak their minds and wear their emotions on their sleeves. They have a freedom I can't lay claim to. They let go of things much more easily. They don't over think, they don't get misinterpreted or misquoted and I think they don't go around regretting things they should have said but didn't!
I have a couple of regrets about things I should have said. I think I regret more what I never had the courage to say than what I have ever said. I keep thinking that maybe I could have changed the situation I was avoiding. Tactful speaking is fine if you are running for president or when trying to land a big client(and occasionally when your boss threatens to fire you) but now I'm starting to learn that it doesn't exactly help much in normal day-to-day life.
I should have screamt when I needed to, I should have laughed out loud, I should have taken the compliment instead of brushing it off and when the tongue lashing was required, I should have done it with my whole heart behind it. Since now I know better, I'm hoping I'll be able to say what I should say, when I should say it. No more hiding behind polite talk, no more cooling off in the bathroom to avoid confrontation, no more worrying about imaginary consequences. Its time to really say what I mean to say. Just get it off my chest and move on.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
But you know if they ever happen again, the experience wouldn't be the same. The adrenaline through your veins would never compare to that first time.
Life is generally quite the boring experience. We work Monday- Friday, hang out with the peeps on Friday night, clean and do your errands on Saturday, go to church and chill at the balcony on Sunday and wait for Monday. Most times we want to shoot our heads in and make the boredom stop.
My life is like that. The same boring routine 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year and it never ends. I'm not an extreme person most days of the year but for one or two days I let myself loose. This year, I am pretty much saving up to do the extreme climb up the Kilimanjaro. I'm so excited about it that I count every shilling. My life is getting into a lull I cant shake off so I am hoping this will boost my blood-flow. Most of those experiences, I never ever ever want to do them again but the memories are precious. I never want to forget that me and only me by myself did that. I showered in ice at kona baridi, I hiked Magadi- Nairobi in 3 days, I bungee jumped. It makes life worth living....just a little bit!
That is why occasionally we should just throw caution to the wind and go bungee jumping or kayaking or drag racing or even to the shooting range. Of course this is not something you should do everyday because you could possibly die. Everyone has their own speed. Not everyone will take the leap of faith from 40 m up and not everyone will aim a gun at a blank wall and start randomly shooting but everyone has something that makes them feel alive. Whether its learning new recipes or wine tasting or just deep sea diving off the coast of Zanzibar.....whatever makes your blood pump through your veins, do it before your blood runs cold.
Friday, June 18, 2010
That's because whichever sage that this was knew how easy it is to pass on the blame. You go and muck up and then immediately look around for the nearest victim. You crush into the gate drunk, the watchie didn't open the gate on time, you crush into a wall, the wall wasn't there yesterday. You burn the food, hii gas ni mpya,iko na moto mob! We have all sorts of excuses why it will never ever be our fault.
But have you ever thought that maybe you are to blame? Everything that has gone wrong has one common factor. You. When you got fired.....did you steal office supplies?! When you burnt the food.....the baby wasn't crying then. When the tyre burst in the middle of nowhere......your housemate told you to get them checked. And when you crushed into that car, well insurance told me never to admit to fault.
Sometimes things go wrong and it is honestly not your fault. Some other idiot came and messed everything up. At that point you can scream out his/her name at the top of your lungs and blame them with everything from global warming to the traffic in Nairobi streets at end month. But we are so used to passing on the blame that when we have done something so awful, we just never look at ourselves.
We are not avoiding blaming ourselves and we are not particularly afraid. I think we just don't know that we are truly on the wrong. It's probably why sincere apologies are so rare. We don't understand that someone is getting blamed for the pain and distress only we are causing. If it is a one-off event, then you can be excused for your ignorance. However, if you just never seem to get it right over and over again, then maybe its time to step back and see exactly who is on the wrong.
It hurts less to blame someone else and the only person you think you are hurting is the one you are piling the blame on. Unfortunately fate has a way of turning the tables and some day guess who'll be in the receiving end? At some point you have to declare that this time you are going down for your crimes (and no!don't go around thinking people will respect you more. They probably won't even notice your act of selflessness) but it is the right thing to do and you know it. So the next time something avoidable goes wrong, don't be too quick to grab the life boat and jump ship. Try staying behind and fix your mess.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
For the longest time I wanted to be Peyton Sawyer of one tree hill!She's the reason I continued watching the show after it outstretched its tv-life. She was everything I was but exaggerated X 422. She was creative, fun, very dark and owned her very own music studio where great rockers just randomly drop in. Plus she had the hottest and sharpest man on the show.
Of course my life was a very far cry from Peyton. My relationship was falling apart like an old net, my school work was flowing down the drain uncontrollably and my darkness had quite overpowered my fun side a couple of eons back. But that din't stop me from being Peyton Sawyer....in my head.
Every so often, a dream will come true and suddenly for 5 minutes, you are Jet Li or Jack Bauer or James Bond. For those 5 minutes you are totally happy with your lot in life. When you finally get that job you have always dreamed of, you buy that car straight out of the show room, you have just landed the hottest chic/dude on campus or you finally buy that house in the leafy surburbs. For 5 minutes......until the ceiling starts leaking, the citi hoppa writes off your car, the chic/dude turns psycho and you discover that your new boss is the devil's spawn.
Movies know when to end. Our lives don't seem to be written on the same script. Your long lost ex won't come to pelt your window with rocks while he belts out tunes from the late 80's. You relaize your job will never pay you your worth and that Range Rover you drove proudly into your garage last month needs 4k of fuel every day and insurance premiums that could educate your village. The kissing will never be on cue, the production house will not foot the fuel bill and all those pretty houses on wisteria lane are in fact small model houses scale 1:100.
We need to remember to be grateful for that hour and a half that life finally goes our way because there is someone out there who really wants to live under that leaking roof for an hour, work for your crappy boss for a day and just breath in the pure leather in your guzzler for a second. I know I will never fly or move things with my mind. I will never be Peyton Sawyer. Her life will end at the end of the season but mine will have to go on a little longer after that. So for every hour and a half that God lets me live in my own movie, I shall be truly grateful.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
It's alright coz I like the way it hurts/
Just going to stand there and watch me cry/
It's alright coz I love the way you lie/
I love the way you lie.
Those are the words to the chorus of the song I love The Way you Lie (Eminem/Rihanna). I love this song. Mostly because it's eminem but because it tells a truth that we often ignore. We all believe we hate being lied to. Whether its for our own good or for selfish reasons. We were raised to believe that lying is bad. And it is. That's why in an attempt to classify the severity of a lie we classify them as white, black, purple, blue, pink......
But sometimes lying does prevent us from going to a very bad place. Take the example of a guy who has been in a relationship with this fabulous girl (or at least he thinks she is). He knows he's not good for her. He knows his presence in her life will just take things from bad to worse. If he stays on in the relationship, he is lying that he'll be there forever. However if he leaves, he is lying that he doesn't love her right now. Damned if he loves her, damned if he doesn't. Either way, he'll lie. For her own good.
Your boss will lie that your check is in the mail when infact the company account is dry as a bone. The client will lie that he/she is just around the corner when they are actually getting on the plane in Kisumu. We naturally lie. Some more than others. We do it to save ourselves. We do it to protect others. We do it because we really have no other way out.
Of course sometimes the stupidity of a lie just makes other people think that you are dafter than a tree stump and some lies are totally unnecessary. I don't know why human beings think people around them can't handle the truth but I guess that's just how we roll. We lie and we watch the truth blow up in our faces sooner or later. No one likes being lied to. They may appreciate the gesture and the effort but "loving the way you lie"..............I think not! The hurting may make them feel human but the lying makes them feel like fools! So if you are going to lie, do it wisely. and when it blows up in your face, arm yourself with a great excuse.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
We all do things for recognition. We want to be the best in our field, the best looking among our friends, the brightest among our peers. That's why we work so damn hard so that everyone out there knows what we are made of. The pastors and serial killers do it. The presidents and terrorists do it. you and me? We are not special. We just do not have a big enough audience.
Men are more psychopathic in the sense that they tend to be indifferent to everything that doesn't concern them. Not all of them may swing Onyancha style but it explains how they can so easily step on peoples' toes in the office, neighborhood or home without a second glance back. Or even how they can go binging with the boys for days on end without remembering they have loved ones at home worrying sick. It's how they get ahead.That's why they make such good employees....and bosses. Because they don't carry their emotions around with them on every project.
Women on the other hand are extremely narcissistic. It should explain my 30 pairs of shoes or the fact that all women (at least those who can afford it) buy a new dress for every useless event. We want to be the best and the prettiest. That's why we make the best models and sales people. We want to be seen, heard and stared at. That is why Chanel is in the Forbes list and plastic surgeons will still remain the richest doctors. That's probably why we are so talkative. Out talk, outshine, out walk is the female motto.
My point is this. Don't beat yourself up because everyone else thinks you are not sensitive enough or other people think you are selfish. They are probably just as bad. They only know how to hide it better. You don't need to blame the society,the sun, the house, the air. You are just human. Maybe occasionally we need to consciously think about others and their needs (of course that is if we don't want to be is-lands). We are born and trained to put ourselves first and everyone else a very distant second. Fight for your spot in society and after you think you have enough, maybe fight for someone else. If you don't think you have the above qualities, I suggest you check yourself into a self-evaluation class.
Monday, June 14, 2010
I'm unhappy with the fact that I don't know what I want to do and I think by the time I get to that point I will be too old to care. I'm unhappy that I can't move out of home tomorrow. I'm unhappy that I'm lonely for about 14 hours a day. I'm unhappy with the fact that I feel it's my full time job to please the masses. I'm unhappy that I have to wake up at awkward hours in the morning to do a job i can barely stand.
I'm unhappy that I think I suck at relationships. I'm unhappy that I'm not aggressive enough to get what I want. I'm unhappy with the fact that I feel I need to blame everyone else for my blunders. I'm unhappy that I don't know what everyone else is doing right and I'm doing wrong.
I'm unhappy that I think no one else cares when I know they do. I'm unhappy that I think I have it bad when I should know I have it relatively great. I'm unhappy that I'm broken and don't want to be fixed. I'm unhappy that I don't feel like I'm making a difference.
I'm unhappy that I'm unhappy. But mostly I'm unhappy that I went re-discovering myself. I was so happy when I was ignorant!
Friday, June 11, 2010
This is my 2 cents of advice to all women: you have a life beyond him, his boys and his issues so this month I suggest you take full advantage of the fact! Do you remember how much fun life was when you were single? Well, this month you have been given a free pass to raise your waving flag too. There are a million other things you could do other than hovering around the TV tending to his every emotional whim. He can get his own pint from the fridge and switch on the water heater at half time. Woman, it's time to get your groove on.
1.You can club Monday-to-Monday because if you both think about it critically, you are just being a disturbance in the house. Girls nights out are back. You best recognize.
2.He will have no problems with food. As long as you order nyam chom and kachumbari and stock the fridge with crates of his favorite EABL brand, there will be no complaints so guess what? no cooking this month.
3.That best friend metro- sexual pal your neanderthal boyfriend/husband hates. It is time to get him off the shelf. I mean, you still need to be told how pretty you are and as long as Mr. man has world cup, who is meant to notice those new jeans that make your arse look so damn fine?
4.The TV is yours....the car is mine.You are finally fully mobile this month.and anyway he won't even notice it's not in the parking.
5.It's time to try all those things he just never wanted to do with you. I don't want to watch soccer and you don't want to learn pottery in that class with the Enrique look-alike teacher. cool!greatest compromise ever!
6.Finally, (and this I will whisper so he doesn't feel bad) no morning sex. He will be too tired to even want to bother anyway so why remind him. Just roll off quietly from bed and leave.
This will be a brilliant month. "When I get older, I will be stronger..........."
Thursday, June 10, 2010
- Keep your car locked. Always. If you get out of the car for even a moment, lock your doors. It only takes a moment for someone to jump into your car and take off, with or without you.
- Keep them locked while driving. Car jacking has been known to happen when a running car has stopped at a stop sign or light in a desolate or remote area.
- If any stranger is approaching you while you are in or near your car, be aware. Get in and lock the door as soon as you can. If they try to open your door, honk your horn repeatedly to draw attention. This should scare them away.
- If your route takes you through a high crime area, you can avoid a car jacking just by choosing an alternative route.
- If you have car trouble and someone offers help, roll your window down a fraction of an inch and tell him or her help is already coming, even if it isn’t. Keep the door locked.
- Some people attempt to take your car by bumping you on the highway. Once you pull over to exchange insurance information, they will take your car.
- Never, ever leave your child unattended in any car, locked or not.
- When parking in parking garages, park on the bottom floor or near the booth. Make sure the space is well lit and near the elevator. A car jacking is more likely to happen in the more desolate and dark areas of a parking garage.
- If you are at the mall or shopping anywhere after dark, park directly under a light and be aware of your surroundings at all times. If someone is hanging out by your car, go back inside. If they are still there ten minutes later, ask for help.
- Always peek into your backseat before getting in your car, especially if you accidentally left it unlocked.
- If you must give someone your car keys, such as a parking attendant or a mechanic, only give your car key. Remove all other keys, most importantly your house keys, from the key chain.
- Never pick up a hitchhiker. Even the most innocent looking people can be out to hurt you or take your car.
- If you think someone is following you, do not go home or to your destination. Keep driving and call for help.
It only takes a little awareness and a few safe practices to avoid car jacking. No one wants to lose his or her car, but remember your life is more important. If it comes down to your car or your life, hand over the keys.